"AITA For refusing to eat at my brother's wedding?"
I (21) have emetophobia. This developed after eating some bad food on a cruise when I was 12. My SIL, Ana, (25) and my brother (29) recently married. She's never had great food hygiene. No one else notices, but all I do is notice these things. I mostly eat vegan, it just reduces my anxiety and gives me a reason to decline food from people.
My auntie's business was catering for the wedding; I asked to make a chicken dish specially for me. She's the only person I trust to make me food independently. She taught me food hygiene and helped me to trust meat (fish is out of the question, forever) again. My brother was so proud of me when I said I would be eating with them, but Ana didn't really have a reaction.
The wedding: Everyone is seated and Ana's mother pushed out a food cart. She then gave a speech about how proud she was that Ana learnt the family recipe for the wedding (some paella dish).
After, I subtly got her to speak with me in the hall. I asked her what was going on. She said this was a very important Spanish family tradition, that I need to grow up, stop eating like a toddler and embrace their culture. I spoke & she screamed at me that I was being a baby.
I had several calls and a voicemail from my aunt. Ana had cancelled on her, at 11pm and her mother uninvited her to avoid drama. She only turned up to give Ana's mum my meal for her to put in the fridge. I looked for it - it was on the counter. Probably since morning. So I went back to my table and accepted that I'd cook later.
Surprisingly, Ana's mum brings my meal, piping hot. She took great pleasure in seeming well-intentioned and made sure that my partner and the other guests at my table knew she lovingly cooked me this meal since I'm an awful picky eater. Of course I wasn't going to touch the plate. My partner noticed my discomfort with the food and took it away to ease my anxiety.
I spoke to my brother and quietly explained the situation. I asked him to let the kitchen know I didn't need dessert. Ana overhead and started to cry silently and asked if I really don't trust her that much. I said at this moment, yes. Her crying was no longer silent. Her mother stepped in and blew everything up right at the head table.
I apologized to my brother, then left quickly. He didn't deserve his day to be ruined any further.
The next week my brother invited me over. Ana said I ruined her wedding and I wasted her money since she still had to pay my auntie. She also said I ruined her wedding photos by looking gloomy with no food whilst everyone else was happy and eating. She pointed out the ONE problem photo where I was barely in the foreground, I have the worst rbf so sure, I may have looked gloomy.
My brother stayed neutral. But he said it was a bit of a dick move for me to chuck away my food. He said it would have been less embarrassing if I at least ate the vegetables furthest from the chicken. His wording of that hurt. That he's essentially saying I embarrassed him at his wedding. AITA?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
eloquentpetrichor said:
NTA. And I feel bad for your brother that he has that manipulative mess for a wife and in-laws. Hopefully, he doesn't end up with food poisoning some day if they willingly leave meat out on counters all day.
Also, it was Ana's fault she canceled on the Aunt last minute and still had to pay. I'm glad your aunt made them still pay her expenses. Good on her and on you for standing your ground.
Like_the_rainbow said:
NTA, Ana never intended for you to to find your chicken dish as they served you the paella. She can't force you to eat something you don't want and then make a big circus out of it.
And your brother telling you to eat the veggies off of a plate that hasn't seen a fridge since morning? He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, is he? He's seen you deal with your condition for years and thinks you'll touch that?
If they really wanted you to eat something, they knew what to do. They just never had the intention to do any of it. Nevermind what they did to your aunt. I'd be pissed, they are assholes beyond belief.
[deleted] said:
ESH - your SIL has issues. I don’t understand the bizarre move of paying for catering, cancelling the night before, and then cooking for everyone. I also don’t understand her over the top reactions.
You, though, made this about you at every turn. I get being very specific about food. For you it’s a phobia. Other have deathly allergies. Some just have strong preferences. It’s no one’s problem but yours.
If you had simply declined to eat that would be one thing. But you kept involving them - at their wedding - in the food issue. Not once, but multiple times. You turned this into a whole family issue instead of just letting it go. It was very selfish.
In the future, you’ve got to be prepared. Bring snacks, eat beforehand, whatever. You can’t depend on people to take your food concerns into account because at the end of the day, they are no one’s priority but yours.
OP wrote in the comments:
I thought it's worth clarifying, hiring my aunt's was a decision my brother and Ana had made early into their wedding planning. I wasn't involved in the planning, but my brother bends over backwards to make his wife happy, and I would be shocked if he were to not listen to any input Ana wanted to have in the catering. So for whatever reason it seems like Ana chose to just not bring up this tradition.
Once I found out my aunt would be catering, I then approached her about making something for me. If I had knew this wouldn't be the case, I would have most definitely have prepared something for myself. But the whole situation caught me off guard. Thanks for all the responses
She later shared this update:
I called with my brother after reading the responses to see if I could understand Ana some more.
He said she isn't open to speak about it, and she seemed embarrassed. In the last few years she's expressed concern to him that she thinks I have an eating disorder. After any social gathering, she would always comment on how much weight I'd lost and that they should do something since I'm clearly using my phobia to not need to eat and avoid having my eating habits questioned
I'd never lost weight as dramatically as she seemed to think, and I always actively monitor and so my best to stay in a (medically) healthy range. I've always been on the low side of a healthy BMI, sometimes dipping under but I always make the effort to regain when I notice.
Perhaps it felt like that was her one opportunity to to actually make sure I am eating? I'm still confused on her mother. Probably just a control issue if she's one of those "clear your plate there's people starving" parents.
I also want to say I understand I should definitely be in therapy. I've been researching for the last year or so, but I've not been able push myself to actually book a session. My partner and I have been talking about them cooking for me a couple times a week though, and gradually decreasing my involvement.
Thank you for all the responses and I appreciate those who (try to) understand what a phobia can be like ?