'AITA for refusing to financially support my parents and explaining why when my brother asked?'
"AITA for refusing to financially support my parents and explaining why when my brother asked?"
I (38F) have been living in a different state from my family for over 10 years. I’ve supported myself the entire time and rarely asked anyone for help. I didn’t grow up with my parents, my grandmother supported and raised me, and I never had a close relationship with them.
Last year, I went on vacation with my siblings. During the trip, I found out that my youngest brother (29M), who makes the most money out of all of them, has been paying the mortgage and most of our parents’ living expenses. He asked me why I wasn’t helping financially.
Since he asked directly, I answered honestly. I told him that our parents didn’t support me growing up, and that I still remember when my grandmother asked me to write them a letter requesting financial support for my education.
My mom wrote back to my grandmother saying she should teach me not to ask them for money because what my dad earned was “just enough” for them and my three siblings. My grandmother let me read that letter, which I don’t think my mom knows.
I told my brother that I contributed financially when we immigrated and that I paid rent when I lived with them for two years. I also used whatever money I earned to help support my grandmother, who actually raised me, until she passed away.
After I moved to a different state, I have been completely on my own with zero financial help. Because of that history, I didn’t feel responsible for supporting our parents now.
Apparently, my brother told my mom. She confronted me via text and accused me of being “disrespectful” as a child. I explained my side and the experiences that shaped my feelings.
She mentioned times she believes I was disrespectful, including verbal and physical conflicts. I explained that these incidents didn’t happen in isolation and were often triggered by her actions, such as trying to persuade my grandmother to send me somewhere to dance for money or deliberately ruining my school uniform by putting soy sauce on it.
I told her she had not treated me like a mother should when I was growing up. The conversation didn’t go well, and afterward my mom stopped talking to me. Eventually, the rest of my family did too.
Now I’m basically no contact with all of them. I feel like I told the truth and set a reasonable boundary, but somehow I’m the one who ended up alone. AITA for refusing to help financially and explaining my reasons when asked?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Your mother went no contact with you?
Appreciate the peace and quiet. NTA.
And block her right back, don't let the narcissist have control of when a communication channel reopens. In fact, block them all. Sadly OP has not had family since the passing of her grandmother.
She is not all of a sudden alone, she just didn't realize how long she has been alone because there were people with a shared DNA claiming to be family, however they were not fulfilling the role of family.
NTA. Perhaps it is normal in your culture to have parents abuse and neglect their children and guilt-trip them for as much as possible, after which the children are obligated to take care of their parents while these parents should be working to take care of themselves and their future, but in other cultures this is not the case.
Adults are supposed to take care of themselves, of their own future and of their children while they are minors and unable to take care of themselves. If I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn't mind all that much to be shut out of a family that neglected me and now dares to have financial expectations of me.
You weren't raised by your parents, and your mom even tried to get you sent away to dance for money (which I can only imagine would have been in an exploitative/ sexualized context unless you were a trained dancer, and even then this wasn't what you wanted so regardless would have been wrong).
I don't see how you owe them anything more than what you've given them. Obviously we only have what is given but if they all cut you off for this, you are probably better without them. It sucks but families sometimes suck. I am sorry and I hope you are well. NTA.
Your Mother, and your brother constantly badger you, and abuse you. The ONLY person in your family who has ever shown you any respect was your Grandmother.
The fact that your Mother is now had a little hissy fit and decided that they will no longer include you as part of their family is probably the single greatest gift she ever could have given you. Whatever you do, don't tell anyone!!! The proverbial trash has taken itself to the indubitable curb.
NTA. But, next time someone in your family asks you an overly personal question* don't explain. They clearly are only asking so they can argue and berate you. These people aren't on your side, so you don't owe them anything - money or answers or anything at all.
Tell your mom/dad/brother/cousin something like, "Because supporting them is not part of my budget." Or, "Because I've decided not to do that." Or just, "I'm not going to answer that."
Then stick to that. Keep repeating it in slightly different ways but do not give more reasons. They only want you to give reasons so they can tell you they're invalid.
*They will ask again, no contact doesn't last long when people want money.
Sorry you lost your family. But if you think about it from a slightly different angle, maybe you never really had one. NTA of course and you’re better off without these people. You would be better with a loving family, so time to make your own, I guess. Good luck and good life!