Man refuses to forgive brother for affair with girlfriend after near-fatal accident. 'I'll never give you closure.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to forgive my brother for sleeping with my (now ex) girlfriend after my accident and for refusing him closure?"
I (33m) was in an accident when I was 22 years old. It was near fatal and I suffered a TBI as a result. I had been dating Jessie (33f) for 5.5 years at that point and she was at the hospital with my family including my older brother Cameron (35m).
Soon after the accident Jessie found out she was pregnant and terminated with Cameron's help and a while after they started having an affair. My sister caught them and she forced them to tell me when I recovered enough.
Jessie confessed eventually but she acted like we were going to work through it. I made it clear it would never happen and I told her I never wanted to see her again and I wouldn't be going back to our place ever again. Cameron tried to shame me for that but I kicked him out and refused to see him. Our sister let him know he was dead to me and I'd never forgive him for it.
For a while he let me work on recovery but he tried to make amends or whatever. But I rejected it and then I found out him and Jessie were together and they were expecting a baby.
The whole thing made recovery so much worse and my sister was honestly the best support and only person I fully trusted through it all. My parents wanted me to work things out with Cameron and Jessie.
They wanted us to be a family and I just couldn't deal with them trying to force me into that after the way I'd been treated. My sister had to be my advocate at times when I couldn't do it myself.
I'm back to normal now but had a health scare last year in the run up to my wedding. It was stress related. Cameron found out the health scare in April and he asked our sister for my contact details.
She refused to give them so he started showing up at her house until he caught me and my wife there. He was demanding answers about why nobody let him know sooner about the health scare and why I wouldn't let her share my details.
He said we needed to put this to bed once and for all and get closure. I told him I needed no closure and because he was digging in his heels I decided to tell him to eff off one more time for good measure. He told me him and Jessie both need my forgiveness and they need me in their lives because their kids ask questions and it sucks not having answers.
I told him I'll never forgive them, never let them back into my life and eff him for putting his kids questions on anyone but him and Jessie, and I told him I'll never give him the comfort of closure. I said he should try being in my position 11 years ago and then have the people who stomped all over you trying to demand forgiveness and closure. I told him to get over himself.
My sister had to call the police to make him leave. He would not go. She heard from him afterward and he was ranting at her that I was willing to die spiting them and it's wrong and if I'm happy I should move on and forgive, etc. She blocked him and told our parents she is completely done with Cameron too.
They're so upset over what happened and they asked me if there was nothing that could be done to make me forgive. That they hated keeping my health scare from Cameron and would hate for him to miss out on saying goodbye if the worst happened to me. I told them he should have thought about that before everything.
They begged me to be more loving. I admit it pisses me off that they want to brush this all away and for us to play pretend. But AITA because I won't actually work on forgiving and allowing them closure?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA, what exactly do they want you to do? Tell the kids how their parents cheated, that their mom actually been pregnant with their cousin which lead to said cheating and you hate their parents guts? Like what exactly do they think would be smart about forcing a relationship? You owe them crap, and your parents show clear favoritism that they still don’t understand why TWO of their kids now is no contact.
Hour_Upstairs9502 (OP)
They expect me to be the loving uncle, brother and brother in-law and to act like the past never happened. But you don't forget stuff like that.
NTA. He was way in the wrong and if you don’t want to forgive him you don’t have to. It’s your choice and everybody else should keep their opinions to themselves.
Yeah honestly, forgiveness is a personal thing, not a group project. If it still hurts or feels unresolved, he's allowed to take some time or never go there at all.
And forgiving is really for the harmed person, and his own peace of mind. It doesn’t mean that things revert to happy family, all is well, and everyone gets together for the BBQ. They did damage that cannot be undone.
screw him, screw your ex and screw your parents. you sister on the other hand is a true champ. its probably better for you to let go of all the hate, which doesn't mean you have to interact with those pricks. remember, the opposite of love is not hate, its indifference. The termination of the pregnancy, was it yours or his? Its not rly clear.
Hour_Upstairs9502 (OP)
The pregnancy she terminated was mine, but with Cameron's help. He took her to the clinic, etc and the affair started after that. Such a romantic way to fall in love.
NTA they hurt you in the worst way possible at a very vulnerable time in your life they expect you to play happy families because they had kids after yours was aborted? Nope they don't like that if they answer the questions the kids have then they would look like jerks which is what they are.
Yes you are happy and maybe that's cos you cut the toxic people out of your life. I would see about getting a no contact order of he keeps harassing you and your sister. Also if mom n dad can't get on board with ur no contact I would limit them too.