'AITA for refusing to forgive my sister for telling my husband about my infertility?'
"AITA for refusing to forgive my sister for telling my husband about my infertility?"
CutieTootsieXoXo
My (34F) husband (36M) and I have been trying for a baby for the last three years. Recently, I was diagnosed as infertile, and I’ve been struggling to cope with the news. I hadn’t told my husband yet because I wasn’t ready to share something so personal when I was still processing it myself.
The news crushed me, and I felt like I needed time to grieve the loss of a future I had envisioned. I confided in my younger sister (30F), who I’ve always been close with, because I needed someone to talk to.
I made it very clear that I wasn’t ready for my husband to know yet. I wanted to figure out how to have that difficult conversation when I was in a better emotional space. But just days later, my husband confronted me in tears, saying my sister had called him to break the news.
I was furious. I felt completely betrayed by my own sister, someone I trusted to respect my boundaries. When I confronted her, she defended herself by saying my husband had a right to know and that I was being selfish for keeping it from him.
She thinks I’m being a “bad wife” by withholding something this major, and she claimed that “he deserved to know the truth” as soon as possible. My husband, meanwhile, is heartbroken but agrees with my sister.
He’s devastated by the news but says he’s glad she told him because he felt it would have been worse if I kept it from him any longer. He believes we should face this together.
Here’s where it gets even more complicated: I’ve been considering alternative options like egg donation or surrogacy, but my husband is strongly against these due to his religious beliefs.
I hadn’t even brought up the topic yet because I knew it would lead to a serious conflict. I needed time to weigh my options before discussing it with him. Now, with my sister’s interference, I feel like all that decision-making power has been taken away from me. I’m backed into a corner.
My sister keeps insisting she did the right thing and has been asking for my forgiveness, but I can’t let go of how she overstepped my boundaries. I wanted to protect my marriage by handling this delicately, and now I feel like the trust between my husband and me is damaged, not by the infertility itself, but by how it came out.
My parents think I’m being dramatic and that my sister was just trying to help. I’m beginning to question if I overreacted, but I can’t shake the feeling that something was taken from me. AITA for refusing to forgive her?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NixKlappt-Reddit
INFO: How long did you know about your diagnosis without telling your husband? I can understand, when you wanted to process this first. But as a couple it would have been nice to process this diagnosis together.
Pure_Cat2736
You are both TAH. Her for overstepping and you for thinking its “personal” yet you went and told your sister and not the other person who is directly affected by this. In marriage the word personal shouldnt exist especially if its something that affects you and your partner.
Zelaznogtreborknarf
Without timelines, it is hard to say. If you found out Monday, talked to your sister on Wednesday as you are processing it and trying to figure out how to tell your husband, then NTA.
If it had been weeks since you found out and weeks since you talked to your sister, so we are into at least a month then YTA. Regardless, your sister is a big AH as it is yours to share. At best she should have been encouraging you to talk him and helping you with the best way to do so.
Sabor117
Your latter point is why I think this should be an ESH. OP outright says that the trust between her and her husband "feels damaged" but that's not her sister's fault for telling the truth, it's OP's fault for not sharing this with the person who is meant to be closest in her life (and the person who it affects the most after her in fact).
Having said that, yeah I think the sister is also an AH for breaking trust as well (although I can appreciate being morally conflicted in her shoes there). The only non-asshole here, if you ask me, is the husband.
Darthkhydaeus
I was with you until you told your sister before your husband. If you were keeping it to yourself because it was personal, then it was no longer the case once you told your sister.
sammac66
You didn't say how long you knew. I do believe it is okay to take a couple of days to process the information yourself before telling your husband. But not more than a couple of weeks. Your sister was completely out of line and way overstepped.
I would definitely be going NC with her for a little while and going forward I would not give her any information that you don't want repeated. Sit down and have a serious conversation with your husband let him know that you weren't trying to trick or trap him. You were just devastated and needed a couple of days to process the information yourself.
Tell him you had every intention of telling him you just needed to be in the right state of mind to tell him and be supportive for him. If he loves you too will work things out, there are many many options out there if possible don't let religion get in the way. Remember when the Bible was written it was a different time things have changed drastically and the world has evolved and people have to evolve with it.