'AITA for refusing to fund POTENTIALLY life-saving experimental surgery for my GF's sister?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to POTENTIALLY save my GF's sister's life?"

8 months ago my GF (Mary) of 9 yrs informed me that she wished to help pay for her sister's(Emma) ongoing cancer treatment. I'm not a controlling/heartless individual, I let my Mary know that I find it incredibly noble that she wants to take on that responsibility & would be happy to cover more of the bills we share (we have been living together for about 6 years & have two wonderful children) to allow her to do so.

Fast forward to present day & Emma's condition has taken a toll for the worse, the doctors' opinions on her current state are that she will likely not last another 6 months.

They informed us that she qualifies for an experimental treatment that could possibly slow or even stop the cancer currently ravaging her body, something I initially felt was fantastic news,sadly this is where my personal dilemma begins. This potentially life saving treatment is incredibly costly, so costly infact Mary has no way of affording it.

Her sisters insurance will not even entertain the idea of funding experimental treatment. Mary recently came to me & asked me to please help her fund the procedure, she knows that I have a bit of an inheritance from my grandfather's passing & a savings account I have paid into since I was 18.

Without divulging the full extent of my saving or the cost of the treatment I can say my savings are at a low seven figure sum & that I would be left with about 10% of it after funding the treatment.

I can honestly say I panicked when she asked me, maybe it makes me selfish but I had no desire to give up that amount of money to help Emma, quite frankly I'm not even fond of Emma she was never kind to me before growing sick & strongly opposed to my relationship with Mary.

But I understand how much she means to Mary & that they share a very deep & loving sisterly bond so I did my best to get along with her & even help Mary in supporting her to an extent.

I told Mary I needed time to think & that perhaps I could help her setup a GoFundMe, but she seemed to know immediately what that meant, in our 9 years together I don't think I've ever seen her look at me like that, with such a combination of hurt & loathing.

I genuinely don't know what to do, I feel terrible that Mary is suffering, but these savings are something I worked almost my entire life to accrue, despite my inheritance most of the money in that account is money I worked like a dog to collect.

I skipped fancy meals, didn't vacation, worked multiple jobs with long hours & spent as sparingly as possible with the dream of retiring young & being able to provide for myself & my family while doing so.

Mary of course being included in that dream. I'm not ready or willing to start over so that MAYBE Emma will survive, I fear I may lose Mary over this & I feel disgusted with myself for putting a price tag on a human life, but I just can't do it. AITA?

TLDR: My girlfriend of 9 years wants me to fund an extremely expensive experimental treatment that may save her sisters life but would cost me nearly my entire life savings.

Update for clarification: The cost of treatment is an accumaltive number that factors in more than just the cost of the drug (which I would be required to pay for), such as additional medical care, relocation & taking over the full cost of her sisters current treatment as her sister was receiving treatment in the Dominican Republic as a low income citizen & would need to move to Mexico.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Kaleopolitus said:

NAH - My condolences. You must understand, it is your right to say no. You have no obligation to Emma, and Mary KNOWS this. She asked because she is desperate. Sadly, this will likely cause a rift. Your willingness to "Let her sister die" (which isn't true at all) will haunt Mary and she's liable to do and say things that only the desperate can.

Again, I am sorry for you, you're in a terrible situation with no path forward that doesn't screw someone, or everyone.

Rach5585 said:

NTA; It's VERY, VERY likely this ” new treatment” is a scam.

I'm a two time cancer survivor. ”experimental” treatment I recieved was paid through insurance for what was hospitalization, and the study for what was the testing. ' Normally you don't pay for experiments. Maybe it's different outside the US but I'd be very, very careful. Everyone I have heard of that went to Mexico got little more than coffee enemas, fevers, and a horrible death. Please. Please.

Make sure this is legit or this poor girl will die alone, away from home, in agony. I know how sh!tty this is, I've been in a bed with everyone doing everything they can to save me. It's awful. I was 25. But I would be shocked to hear Mexico has anything to offer above what's normal. It's not a bad country, we visit often enough, but there is a lot of corruption and very little recourse.

sorrylilsis said:

NTA. But man, you guys are gonna need help to navigate this because if you just say no chances are she's gonna blame you.

And xamethyst89x said:

NAH. You aren't obligated to help her but you are likely going to lose your girlfriend over this.

He later shared this update:

I just wanted to thank everyone, regardless of your opinion, for taking the time to read my post & offer your perspective. To all the survivors out their reading this, to those who have lost someone, thank you a million times for sharing your stories with me.

I received many questions & unfortunately I don't have all the answers, I created a list of questions I could find after reading, what was honestly a staggering amount of messages for me. I didn't think this would catch any real form of attention & expected it to be buried within a day, but I digress.

I will answer the questions to the best of my ability & with as much transparency possible ,while still maintaining anonymity.

1.) Emma's condition is a form of melanoma, she is currently Stage 4.

2.) The treatment they are hoping to pursue is cryo-immunotherapy, the doctor in the Dominican Republic referred to it as "experimental & relatively new unproven method."

3.) The reason the cost is so high is due to the fact that if Emma moved I would take over paying ALL aspects of her treatment. That would include her medications, all testing, physician pay, housing/relocation & based on the timeline a live in caretaker for hospice care.

4.) Emma & Mary have very little living family left & what little does remain is in no financial condition to donate such large sums. 5.Friends will no longer donate funds, this is not a new condition for Emma, as I stated in the original post my wife started handling payments 8 months ago ,but before that Emma had already received various donations when the cancer was not so advanced.

5.) The hospitals being used in both the Dominican Republic & Mexico have good reputations from what I could gather.

6.) I at this point cannot prove or disprove that this is a scam, unscrupulous people are everywhere & as one redditor put it "the doctor may have drank the Kool-Aid."

7.) The choice to not get married was Mary's, she has a very negative view on it due to a complex personal history that I don't feel is my place to speak further on.

8.) I am not ludicrously wealthy, I have a decent job & save heavily. I have been doing so for more than 20 years.

9.) I have since spoken to Mary, she is upset ,but following the numerous bits of advice generously offered here, I believe I have bypassed a worse scenario. She is upset , she is hurting, but she agrees that our childrens well being should go first. She is staying at her sisters side & has asked for some space while she goes over her feelings.

10.) I have spoken to Emma, she has told me that I am a monster & that I will burn in hell for taking even a 1% chance from her. If I where religious I'd likely agree.

11.) This isn't about the money , this is about security. I grew up very poor, my father was our sole provider & he lost his ability to pursue his career of choice very early-on due to an illness. I watched my father work himself to death, I honestly believe if we had more money at the time my father would still be with us.

I hope this provides closure for some of you, thank you for restoring a bit of my faith in humanity everyone.