'AITA for refusing to get my daughter with severe social anxiety a service dog?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to get my daughter with severe social anxiety a service dog?"
My (45f) daughter (15f) suffers from severe social anxiety. It is incredibly crippling and has prevented her from many extra curriculars and even her education over the years. I left my job five years ago to start homeschooling her and have since put her in therapy.
The therapist and I have been working on getting her into school more and more for the past year and a half. This is all to say - I am not trying to shame my daughter for her social anxiety at all. It is a debilitating thing to live with and I can see that first hand.
Last month the therapist recommended getting a service dog for my daughter in order to be able to help her navigate public settings better. Despite thinking this was a huge responsibility, I did see the excitement on my daughter's face.
She really wanted a dog and seemed determined to continue her progress with the help of an animal. I was initially on board with this and started the necessary research required.
However, a few weeks ago I left my daughter with my sister in law for a few days because my mother was sick and I needed to visit her a few hours away and my husband was on a work trip.
The plan was for my SIL to continue her homeschooling for as many hours as she could manage but instead I got a call from her two days in demanding I take my daughter back home.
I came to find out that my sister in law had to leave the house for a few hours and asked my daughter take care of her senior dog. This dog is very old and small. She was adopted just over a year ago so she's still a bit weary of people.
My daughter, in an attempt to recreate some stupid online video, took this senior dog to the roof of the house and left her there. The poor thing was so scared she messed herself on the roof, shaking, while my daughter filmed.
Of course this didn't go to plan and the dog ended up falling off the roof and into the swimming pool out of sheer luck. However, due to her age and size the dog ended up breaking a few ribs and her paw.
When I heard this I was absolutely livid. I confronted my daughter immediately and she admitted to wanting to recreate a video she saw online. She then proceeded to use a defense that went along the lines of "that dog is old.
If it were younger than nothing would have happened." She also mentioned how she didn't really think what she did was that bad because it's an unloved shelter dog with no real "value" like a service dog or new born puppy.
I was very upset to hear these words coming out of my daughter's mouth. I have no idea where she learned this from considering neither me or my husband share these beliefs.
I instantly told my daughter that she would not be getting a service dog. I also told her that she would have to pay her aunt's vet bill no matter what it took. Because the bill is in the thousands, she will have to find a way to make that money.
My daughter got upset and said I was being unfair because she can't get a job due to her social anxiety but I told her she should have thought about that before doing what she did.
My daughter has since then been attempting to search for a part time job that requires minimal face to face interaction. Despite me and my husband helping her she was only able to find a waitress job.
I asked my sister in law if she was okay with my daughter working the vet bill off instead but she refused saying she really had no interest in having my daughter anywhere near her house or dog again and I honestly thought that was fair enough so I told my daughter she had to find a way to stick with this because that vet bill was her responsibility only.
My husband told me I might be an AH for suggesting our daughter pay off the entire bill and that we should probably just restrict her pocket money until the bill is paid off.
I think that's not a good enough punishment because her pocket money isn't earned it's what me and my husband give her for "free time" at the start of the week. Also this bill is entirely her fault and therefore her responsibility. It's unfortunate that the only jobs available are in customer service but what else can we do?
My daughter's therapist also reached out saying she thinks it was wrong of me to completely take the service dog idea off the table considering it is a medical necessity as well as pointing out that suddenly forcing my daughter into an unfamiliar job may be a bit too daunting.
Are my husband and my daughters therapist right? Am I being too harsh on my daughter? AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
urlz1st
Despite what the therapist says, I’m not sure that a legitimate service animal organization would approve an animal for your daughter.
Viperbunny
Nor should they.
haleorshine
She injured an animal, and only through luck didn't kill it, but when called on it, she blamed it on the dog being old, instead of being appropriately remorseful. She should absolutely not have access to a dog.
I do think potentially making her pay for the entire vet bill (vet bills can be masssssive) is a little overkill, but she absolutely is not responsible enough to have a dog.
Poundaflesh
This is a little sociopath who has been coddled far too long!
cakivalue
In OPs shoes I'd be asking myself, how much of this is a legitimate social anxiety disorder and how much is the frustration of having to interact with people who annoy her, that she can't control, can't use or manipulate to make herself feel good.
Heris11
As someone who is a specialist working in schools with kids with these issues, I did have such a case in the last 12 months. Also, exposure therapy is what works for social anxiety, unless there is then a plan to not solve it and avoid people forever.
Somewhat_Sanguine
Honestly your daughter kind of sounds like she has sociopathic tendencies. I guess you could have social anxiety and be a sociopath, but eh. Service dogs are a huge responsibility, very expensive, and what happens when the dog is too old to work? Will your daughter discard it? I wouldn’t trust her with any living thing. NTA but I think your daughter has more issues than just anxiety.
A week later OP came back with this update:
Okay first off, I would like to say that although I was warned people would be absolutely brutal, you guys did not hold back. Shout out to the person who DM'ed me to tell me to kill myself and my family. I would like everyone to know that I read almost every single comment - even if I didn't reply to all of them.
Also to clarify - when I said a service animal I was told that we would be able to get one to alert my daughter of panic attacks and help calm her down. However after now speaking to other resources, we were explained that what the therapist was talking about was an ESA. Apologies for any confusion - this is new to me.
And yes, where we live in America, psychologists can prescribe simple anxiety meds.
And also yes, I obviously took away my daughter's phone and laptop after this. She's only allowed what she needs to complete her studies.
Onto the update: there was also a lot of helpful advice and support so I do feel like I owe you guys an update.
My and my husband have been fighting for weeks now on how to handle this. We did end up taking her to a psychiatrist and she was diagnosed severe social anxiety (as before) and also Bipolar.
We were told that the reason she wasn't diagnosed earlier is because she was far too young and this is something that most likely only became visible very recently as she just hit puberty. So no - my daughter is not a sociopath, sorry to disappoint. And yes, we were told to continue homeschooling as it's too late to put her in a school where everyone has already developed their own friendship groups etc etc..
I once again had to leave to care for my sick mother which left my daughter with my husband. Apparently while I was gone my husband thought it was a genius idea to turn up to SIL's house and ask for my daughter to see the dog under supervision.
My SIL didn't agree but was coerced by my husband (this is what I'm assuming because despite what my husband says I don't believe she would have been on board with this). My daughter started crying and apologising claiming she felt so sad seeing the broken senior pup too scared to come close to her.
My husband has since decided that in light of this, my daughter deserves her ESA. I completely disagree with this stance and believe that she needs more support, therapy and a large range of resources not limited to an animal. Even if my daughter is genuinely sorry, this isn't a mistake that can be easily forgiven in a month.
I still think we should be pushing her to continue a part time job - something she's been beginning to do. She's been sent home from the restaurant a few times already for panic attacks and has even complained to vomiting during her breaks.
I told her she's welcome to search for other jobs she might find easier, which she has started to do, although it's been almost three weeks of working and I have asked her to do this a minimum of two months before quitting and finding something else. She's also not allowed to quit unless she comes to me with a different plan to pay the money back.
My husband told me he has started the application process for an ESA. ETA: By application I mean he has contacted the local shelters and started filling out their application process. I was very angry and asked him to stop but he argued that he thinks he should take over her care from now and quit his job while I worked instead.
I disagree because I'm the one who has been handling it for six years but apparently I don't truly understand just how "sorry" she is now. In light of this I contacted my SIL and told her that I think it would be best she file a police report.
I do want this on record because as many of you said, they won't give my daughter an animal if they find out about this. She agreed and did file a report - which was totally heartbreaking for me. It really hurts to have to do something like this to my daughter.
My husband did find out and we've now been arguing for days. He's incredibly angry but I'm attempting to stick with this. I'm not sure how the next few weeks will pan out but I will say that I'm incredibly worried for the future.
I have no idea what to do or how to get my husband to see my side. This is very concerning but, thank you for listening. And for those of you who gave advice and support, I really really appreciate it.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
This is a hill I would die on. That girl does not deserve a dog and you did the right thing telling SIL to file that report. I know that’s hard for you but it was in fact the correct thing. Your husband is being a Disney dad and in the long run that’s not going to help your daughter at all. Hopefully real life consequences will show her how wrong exactly what she did is.
The husband looks like a real AH here. What he does is a band aid for the immediate situation but is highly damaging to both his daughter and her relationship with her parents. This teaches her very bad lessons that can backfire horribly.
Probably assumes that his daughter will treat the service dog better because um... reasons? What the girl did was stupid and thoughtless. She may be sorry now, but is she sorry because she realized what she did was wrong... or because she got caught and punished?
Even if she were to never hurt another animal again, what's important here is for her to understand that her actions have repercussions. Right now she's just learning that dad will wipe her butt for her and make it all better. What if the next extreme action involves another person and they get hurt?
Or if she does something that puts herself in extreme danger? She's at a major point in her life where it's important to make sure she learns how to process things in as safe a manner as possible. All of this is about the dog, but it's also not really about the dog.