'AITA for refusing to give my boyfriend children because he won’t marry me?'
"AITA for refusing to give my boyfriend children because he won’t marry me?"
My boyfriend (33m) and I (31f) have been dating for seven years. Early on we talked about marriage, kids, a house, the whole shebang. I like kids and I think I’d be a good mother. I’d like to have children but I wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t have any.
I’m happy with my life as is, and I could be happy with children as well. My boyfriend has always dreamed of being a dad, and recently suggested that we’re in the place to start trying for some.
I was a little confused by this. I told him early on, within the first year, that I would never have children with a man that I’m not married to. I feel like children are a much bigger commitment than marriage, so marriage should come first.
Additionally, if a man doesn’t love me and isn’t committed enough to spending the rest of our lives together, I don’t see why I wouldn’t make the sacrifice of bearing his children? Maybe it’s old fashioned of me. I explained all of this to him, once again.
He was awkward, and said he just doesn’t want to get married. He said men get screwed over in divorces all the time, and he just doesn’t think marriage is important or a smart choice.
I said that’s fine. We don’t have to get married. I’m happy with our life as is. We just won’t be buying a house together or having children together. We can each buy our own house and live in one, and rent out the other. If we aren’t getting married I don’t want to really entangle our finances in any way.
He blew up at me and said I’m punishing him for not waiting to marry him. I said I’m not, its just that having children outside of marriage goes outside of my personal values.
I also told him that since he’s super against the idea of marriage I am not going to marry him just for a shut up ring, that he only gives me because he wants kids. I want him to actually want to marry me, and if not, that’s okay.
Children and marriage are off the table for us. If he wants kids now he needs to leave me and find someone who will have kids for him without expecting any stability in return. And maybe I could find someone who wants to marry me, and maybe or maybe not have kids. I said all of this to him.
He’s been very distressed and emotionally distraught. He has a disease that very much so limits his life expectancy. He has said that if he doesn’t have kids asap he probably shouldn’t have them at all, because otherwise he wouldn’t be able to see them into adulthood. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. If he thinks men get screwed over in divorce, he should see how single women get screwed over with children! Please get some sort of birth control that cannot be tampered with.
This! Women often end up being the primary caregivers after a divorce, but even if the couple agrees on joint custody, it’s super common for a mother to have sacrificed years of her career to having and raising the children.
Which affects her finances and earning potential, not to mention all of the medical risks of pregnancy and the permanent physical changes. If he’s not willing to take any risks with his finances, then it’s completely unfair of him to expect you to risk both your finances and your health.
He also has a disease that could potentially end his life earlier than usual, according to OP. So she gets to “carry on his line” without the commitment or legal stability, and deal with pretty much being a single mom anyways because of his death.
NTA. He wants you to stick around, bear his children, and then take care of him when he is ill? Nope right on out of there hon. You are worth way more than that.
NTA. ’He said men get screwed over in divorces all the time, and he just doesn’t think marriage is important or a smart choice.’ Explain how women get screwed over all the time having babies with men who won‘t commit and you don’t think having a baby with him would be a ‘smart choice’ either.
NTA Just because he’s sick doesn’t mean he’s entitled to change someone else’s values just to give his life a sense of meaning—especially not through emotional manipulation and trying to guilt-trip you into compliance.
You even offered him the option to leave and have children with someone else, yet it’s clear he just wants the most convenient way (i.e., your existing relationship) to immediately satisfy his desire to have kids. Parenting responsibilities or the child’s well-being don’t actually seem to be his focus. Honestly, even if you were married, it doesn’t sound like he’d be much of a father.
On top of that, he seems more worried about losing money in a divorce than he is about possibly not seeing his future kids grow up due to his illness. This man is clearly only thinking about himself.
NTA...your thinking and reasoning is perfection - I can get why your ex is so distressed and distraught : because he can only gaslight you, but not find a single fault in your thinking.
Stick to your guns but also, if you want to marry and have children, leave him. You have no time to waste on a man who is not on the same page. And a man who expects you to put your life on the line when he isn’t event willing to put his money on the table, is not a man you need to be with. Stop compromising.