'AITA for not giving my ex the closure he’s asking for?' UPDATED
"AITA for not giving my ex the closure he’s asking for?"
This is probably a bit stupid but that boy has got me questioning my own mind. Either way, sorry if this is a bother. I broke up with my bf a few weeks ago. I had realized - in part thanks to these forums - that some of his behavior was absolutely not okay & when I tried to talk to him, the conversation escalated to me breaking up with him.
I have a pretty severe case of face blindness/prosopagnosia. It means I can’t recognize/remember people’s faces & go by other characteristics to try & put a name to someone. (Voice, (hair)style, posture, etc.). People around me know & introduce themselves when we meet & other things to make it easier. (I have a lot of anxiety because of it.)
He used to try & test me, which gave me a lot of stress. Changed up his look without warning to see if I knew it was him, and a lot more. He called it pranks. (He is a jokester.) So, we broke up. It’s been a lot. He’d been calling/messaging non-stop with both apologies & non-apologies, ‘till I blocked him.
In moments of a lot of emotion I said things like I never wanted to see him again, and he’d reply that he was hurt, that I wouldn’t even know if it was him & I was lucky he wouldn’t do it. Made me feel icky.
He’s contacted me again yesterday - through a new account - saying he just wants one more face-to-face conversation, if only to give him his stuff that is still at my place & get some closure so we can both move on. I said my plan was to get a mutual friend to bring it over to him. He was hurt.
He did seem a lot more calm than before & told me we were together for a year, he just wanted one conversation after I suddenly broke things off. That he had some time to process now, etc & that he doesn’t understand how he suddenly - after a year of loving each other - became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him.
But I don’t feel good about it. My gut’s telling me this will not be a good conversation, my worst fears are telling me he might play a trick to prove some point. WIBTA if I don’t reply anymore/just say no?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
marv115 said:
I would not do it, you told him why, more than once to stop, even his message that it out of the blue proves he still don't understand. This conversation will bring you nothing but more deflecting and avoidance.
Herm_in said:
"he doesn’t understand how he suddenly became so evil I couldn’t have one chat with him." So everything is your fault and he did nothing wrong ? You shouldn’t bother, it won’t be productive conversation and you’ll probably feel worse.
Jeezus_Christe said:
Stay away. NTA. If you suffered from regular blindness and he tripped you all the time would it be ok?
Do not set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You are not responsible for anyone else's emotional state or peace of mind or happiness or.....
Do with those statements what you will.
About a month later OP posted this in another sub, "I have face blindness, and I don’t know if I’m losing my mind or my ex is messing with me."
We broke up nearly 3 months ago, it wasn’t pretty. There were a lot of things not right between us. Among other things, he kept messing/joking with the fact that I have a severe case of face blindness. (I wasn’t perfect in this relationship either btw, not trying to make him the villain.)
Usually I go by voice, obvious traits and so on. I’m lucky enough to have a lot of wonderful people around me who’ll introduce themselves once we start talking, warn me if they changed their looks or even get/wear something that’ll help me (like my dad who got a tattoo, just for me.) But it’s still hard & gives me so much anxiety. So maybe I am imagining it all?
I stayed with my parents & wee cousins for a while after the break-up but since I’m home, I feel like he’s still around.
The first time, I went to a club with a friend & her bf, started dancing with a guy & went outside with him to get some air. The moment we stepped outside & I heard his voice, I knew it was him. I was so sure. I freaked, went inside again & left with my friend.
I messaged him later and he denied it vehemently, telling me he was not even near there. That we can meet up & talk if I want.
My friend says she’s not sure, she was off with her bf and didn’t see him.
So maybe I am wrong. My gut says it was him, but I can’t trust my brain with these things.
There’s been more incidents like this since. If I go out, sometimes I just feel like he’s there. Like I’ll see a guy focused on me & will know it’s him, but he’ll deny it. Or someone will come to my job & I’ll recognise the voice, but he responds so confused & I’ll feel like a crazy person making a scene, so I just quietly give him what he needs.
I’ll go to the grocery store & a guy will suddenly be next to me. He won’t even say anything to me, but the smell/traits tell me it’s him. But then later he denies it all.
It’s not every day, or something. Once a week, maybe not even that. But it’s enough to make me feel so on edge.
The thing is, I could be wrong. Maybe it was never him.
I don’t go out a lot anymore, unless I’m with someone. I keep my phone in my hand in hopes of snapping a picture to show to my friends. Looking into how to get a camera. I don’t know what else to do, really. I’m afraid if I talk to others about it, they’ll simply dismiss it.
At the same time he’s still messaging me, just as kindly as when we first started dating. He says he’s worried about me, that he wants to help. And I just feel.. like I’m going crazy. Maybe I am.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Start taking pictures of the guys you think are him and send them to your friends and ask them to verify.
OP:
Yeah, that’s my plan. I hope it’ll put my mind at ease.
I have also face blindness and if your gut is so sure, then it must be it because we did compensate by recognising people in other ways. If you feel that it happens again, take you phone and film the surrounding (don't hide it).
If he suddenly pops up to say "hi" you are right and if not, you can always check it later with a friends what triggered this kind of perception because seems that it was a toxic relationship and there is a change that you were traumatised and a gesture could trigger your brain.
He’s gaslighting you. It’s him.
Two months later, she shared this update on the situation:
Hi! It’s been a wee bit, and since I’m still getting messages about this, I thought I’d just give one big update for this. So more than a month ago I broke up with my BF because he kept pulling ‘pranks’ involving my face blindness. (I can’t recognize faces & am dependent on other aspects to recognize someone, and even then it’s still confusing.)
After that he’d been bugging me that he wanted to meet up, so we could get some closure. My gut was telling me not to, but I felt guilty. With you guys’ advice (& my own gut feeling) in mind, I decided not to go. I asked a friend, R., to go bring him his stuff & kept him blocked - including blocking the new accounts he’d made.
R. came back with a letter from him, to me. The letter in itself was v apologetic. He even said he was grateful for our time together & took full responsibility. It ended with him saying he’d respect it if I chose not to reply or message. Honestly, a lot of very respectful words.
I still decided not to get in touch. (Still trying to get over the break-up myself.) But I did appreciate it, till I found out he wasn’t letting go like he said. R. & some other mutual friends let me know he was asking them about me A LOT, if I had read the letter, if I was seeing someone else (already?!), and so on.
Couple of days ago he showed up at my place. He was clearly not sober & v upset. He just seemed so broken, so I - stupidly - let him in. For a while he was just being miserably nice, while I got him water & stuff. But the more sober, the more angry he got. At that point I messaged basically everyone I knew to come. I didn’t think he’d hurt me, but I didn’t feel comfortable being alone with him regardless.
Among the many accusations of me not even having the decency to reply, that I clearly never cared about him & that I was a horrendous person, he told me ‘I cheated on him & didn’t even know it’ so how could I blame him for not trusting me?
I’m not gonna lie, I was trying to stay calm but failed. (And I know I should have not lost my cool.) I screamed at him, asked him what he was talking about. Apparently on a night out with him & others, he asked his friend M. (who knows of my face blindness & has similar characteristics as my ex, part from a v different voice & smell) to ‘swap’ out with him, and kissed me. And I didn’t know.
I don’t know if he’s lying or not. But knowing I was drinking & in a crowded, loud room, I know it’s a possibility. Especially since M. tried to kiss me another time, though then I immediately realized it was him & lost my sh!t at him. (When I told my then bf, he was more angry than I had ever seen him, so idk if that time was a ‘plan’ as well or not. Either way M. is a disgusting human.)
I know it’s ‘just’ a kiss, but it did make me feel sick to my stomach just thinking about how they might have played me. I told him to get out, he didn’t. Luckily it didn’t take long for some people to arrive & get him out. I’m endlessly grateful for the people I have around me.
I’m staying at my parents’ place now, took a break from work & am looking into therapy. My mom & dad (who got a tattoo years ago just so I would never doubt it’s him) are treating me like a princess & reminding me of the kindness people deserve. Haven’t looked into a restraining order, but might if it continues.
Thanks to you all for helping me see what’s right in this situation. This community has been wonderful I am very grateful. I probably won’t update anymore, as this is over & done with. But I’m glad I got to pour my heart out to y’all.