'AITA for refusing to give my ex husband our kids' medical records?' UPDATED

"AITA for not giving my ex husband our kids medical records?"

Hey everyone! I (36F) and my ex (37M) separated 9 months ago and are actively going through the divorce process. Due to some high conflict situations I decided to seek a lawyer and so did he.

We have two kids (twin 4yo) together and eventually we were able to agree on a custody schedule and plan that worked for both of us. For the last 9 months I have tried to coparent with him with little to no success.

Within the last 5 months he has spiraled uncontrollably. He began cancelling all of his scheduled visits, then started to become non responsive and began to no show on his visits. I then found out he went to rehab. Once completing his program, within 3 days of being released he relapsed again and no called and no showed on the kids again.

We had a court hearing scheduled to modify the custody agreement after learning of his addiction and he no showed to the court hearing and didn’t even let his attorney know of his whereabouts that day. Later that same day of the court hearing, I shockingly drove by his car crashed in a ditch which we suspect is for a DUI.

Finally, a couple weeks after the crash I learned that he eventually went back to rehab for a second time only 3 weeks after being released the first time. To this day, he hasn’t seen the kids since January and has been in and out of rehab. At our last court hearing I expressed to the judge that his absence has greatly affected our kids negatively to the point where I’ve started to notice some behavioral concerns.

Due to this, I want to seek play therapy services for them to help them during this really difficult transition. All of this to say that I was granted sole legal and physical custody of the kids.

When my ex found out of my attempt to get our kids into therapy he immediately got defensive questioning why and what their issues were. I explained to him what I had observed over the last 6 months and he then started getting upset that I’m insinuating that it’s his fault and that he caused it.

It was a long drawn out conversation that I’ll spare you all on but ultimately I express that his repeated absence and inconsistency has had a great impact on them negatively.

He has requested that I update him on how therapy goes for the kids, which I’m happy to provide. However, he is now demanding for copies of the doctor’s notes of their therapy sessions. Stating how he has the right to know as their father. I explained that I will not be proving him with anything as I don’t have to but more importantly for their own privacy.

I know they’re only 4 yo but I do believe that they deserve some privacy regarding how they might be feeling towards their father and his recent abandonment and lack of effort.

From a legal standpoint, I do not have any obligation to provide any information let alone documentation to him since I have full legal custody. I personally feel like he just wants to see what the kids and professionals have to say about his recent actions and his struggle with addiction.

He is still in rehab as of this posting and I don’t know when he’ll be released. In the meantime my sole purpose is to protect my kids and their emotional and mental wellbeing. So, AITA for not giving my ex husband our kids medical records?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

cceptable_Water4648 said:

19F here, when I was 11I went to therapy, because I had a really hard relationship with my father and I said something that set off C.P. S somehow and because my therapist was a therapist in training, it was okay because she was a mandated reporter and they let, My father read everything that I'd ever said about him

.

And he wasn't happy about it. He yelled and screamed and threatened to put holes in the walls and it was my fault. Don't let you kids feel the same way I did

East-Republic-5919 said:

Nta. He’s spiraling and wants an excuse that lets him continue his behavior. Don’t play this game. There are no winners.

Saying this as a fellow mother of twins, now 15, and while I wasn’t married to their addict father he did try at one point to sue me for custody and somehow put two different birthdays on the paperwork, neither of which was right, which was how I was awarded sole physical and legal custody and his parental rights were terminated when he didn’t show to the court date since the judge recognized his name.

Fun times. He now owes over 30k in child support

Dry-Session-388 said:

Him: I want copies of the therapy notes You: You are welcome to petition the court for those documents

Him: I want copies of the therapy notes You: The children are doing well in therapy thank you for inquiring

Him: I want copies of the therapy notes You: those are not generally available but thank you for checking in

Don't discuss anything with him. He can go to court if he wants something.

And Specialist_Return488 said:

I’m fairly sure a doctor wouldn’t share therapy notes anyway but protect your kids. You’re doing the right thing.

She later shared this update on the situation:

Thank you everyone for all the support and reassurance regarding my decision. It has been very difficult navigating through this especially since I never grew up with anyone struggling with addiction.

I’d like to provide some more context about our situation. To not go too deep into our marriage, I chose to leave after years of lying, manipulation, and emotional and verbal abuse which I recently learned is heavy tied with addiction. Once I noticed these behaviors being directed towards the kids, I made the decision to leave.

For safety concerns, I left our family home to my parent’s house and we have been here ever since. From the beginning we started to only communicate through a parenting app due to many high conflict situations that occurred when I decided to leave.

For the most part this is how we’ve communicated except for when he is in his program. In the facility he isn’t allowed his phone so we’re subjected to phone calls. Once he is out, I’m reestablishing that we move back to only communicating via the app. After his missed court hearing, his lawyer withdrew representation. Therefore, he no longer is being represented by an attorney.

We do have an upcoming court hearing in a couple of months as he wants to try to establish a parenting plan. I personally don’t think he’ll be ready considering that he is still in rehab. I agree with everyone commenting that he needs to get himself in a healthy place first before adding the responsibility of parenting.

I’m not sure what this court hearing will bring but at the very least I can see the judge granting supervised visits at a facility to start. I do plan to seek the recommendation of their therapist first and provide the judge with that in effort to advocate if she feels that visits with their father is not a good idea.

All in all, I’m just taking this one day at a time and doing everything to prioritize our kids wellbeing. I sincerely appreciate you all for reassuring me that I am making the best decision to continue to protect our kids.