'AITA for refusing to give my late husband's (possible) affair baby any money?' + UPDATE
"AITA for refusing to give my late husband's (possible) affair baby any money?"
My husband passed away almost three years ago leaving me a solo mom of an 8 year-old. I've learned a lot about who he really was since then. Let's just say that if he were alive, we wouldn't still be married.
About six weeks ago, a process server showed up trying to serve him with a court order to submit DNA for a kid. I gave him a copy of the death certificate and sent him on his way.
Shortly after that, a woman shows up on my doorstep saying that the kid she had with her was my late husband's child. Is it? I don't know and I don't care. It kind of looks like him, but also looks young enough that they would have had to have been conceived very, very shortly before his death.
I told her that he was gone and where she could find his grave. She almost immediately started demanding "her half" of his estate. I laughed and told her that half of nothing was nothing and she was welcome to that.
Where I've been informed that I might be TA is that while it's true there was no estate, there were assets that passed outside of probate. One of those assets was a rental property that his parents gave us years ago, deeded with him and I as joint tenant with rights of survivorship.
In short, it became mine when he died. I've already sold it and that will be the money that sends my kid to college. Legally, I'm good (already talked to my attorney about this). While I feel bad for this child, I also have a child of my own to look out for.
I'm going to edit this to answer a few questions that I've gotten.
No, there was no will in place for him. In my state, intestate inheritance laws say that if the only heirs are me and my child then the first $50k of the estate go to me and my child gets half of what's left.
If this does turn out to be his child then half of the estate would go to me and half to the children (i.e. my child would get 25% and the other child would get 25%). However, that is a moot point because his estate was literally an empty bank account and $40 in cash.
Everything else passed outside of probate.
A good estate attorney is worth every penny even if I never could get him to meet with her to do his damn will.
There was no life insurance.
Yes, I'm in the US and my child is receiving survivor's benefits. They aren't huge, but they do pay for the therapy bills. He hadn't worked for a vast majority of our marriage, but luckily did have enough credits to qualify.
At this point, I'm not opposed to helping the other child receive the same benefits since it won't affect mine, however my attorney has recommended to hold off at this time because we don't know what she's planning.
She assures me that if the other mother files with social security that they will backdate any payments to at least the date filed, so holding off won't affect the total amount if it does turn out to be his child.
I have no idea if she knew he was married at the time or not.
My husband's parents are alive, but our relationship is strained, at best. I haven't told them about any of this and have done my best to let them keep believing that their son was a saint.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's inital post:
NTA. And for what it’s worth, that’s not a terribly uncommon scam for some reason. If you still have the papers I’d look into if they were even legitimate.
One-Teaching3577 (OP)
They were. That's the first thing my attorney looked into. The working theory is that she really didn't know when she filed. Why she waited so long is anyone's guess.
She probably thought the dad was someone else and it took that long to get his DNA. Or she had a list to go through.
NTA - I would have said “He died with a ton of debt. Let me get your info so I can transfer half of it to you.” She would be out of there so fast!
NTA The gall of this woman to show up at your door. "I banged your husband and had his baby and now you must give me money." Too bad for the kid, but she's reaping what she sowed. Do NOT lose sleep over this.
Four and a half months later, the OP returned with an update.
So, it is his child. Or at least there's enough shared DNA to determine that my in-laws are the grandparents and there's no way that it's their other son's. The biggest update is that the mother doesn't currently have custody.
I'm still a bit unsure of the timeline, but there might have already been a CPS case open when she first contacted me. She's apparently a fan of the same illicit substances that my husband was. That would explain how they met.
Unfortunately, that means that the child is now in foster care. My in-laws were not deemed an appropriate placement, and I won't do it. I have been working with the caseworker with regards to getting social security benefits for the child.
In my state, survivor benefits offset any child support obligations, so even if there was an estate, the SS benefits most likely exceed the amount he would owe based on his work history prior to death. This hasn't effect my own child's benefits.
I still haven't determined exactly what I will do with this information going forward. I have set aside some money in an online savings account, but it's still in my name. Until the mother's rights are completely terminated or the child ages out of the system, I don't want anything that would possibly giver her access to it.
I will also eventually have to tell my child that there is a sibling out there. I've been through the ringer over the last couple of months and I'm still just so effing mad that I'm still cleaning up my husband's mess.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Wow, I can’t imagine how hard this has been for you, and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You’re not just managing the fallout of your late husband’s actions—you’re also being incredibly thoughtful about protecting your child and this other child’s future, all while trying to navigate your own emotions.
I think it’s really commendable that you’re ensuring the child gets the social security benefits they’re entitled to, even though you’re under no obligation to do so. Setting aside money for their future is above and beyond, especially given the situation with the mother. Keeping it in your name until things stabilize sounds like the smart and safe call.
When the time comes to tell your child about their sibling, I hope you have support to help navigate that conversation. You’ve already shown so much strength and grace in a really unfair situation.
Don’t forget to give yourself space to process everything—you deserve peace after everything you’ve been through. You’re doing amazing, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
It sounds like you’re making the best of a bad situation. Hang in there.
And remember, the best response to "Why won't you take your husband's affair child? It's the right thing to do/the kid is innocent in this/how can you be so heartless and not take the child/you have to take the child." is "Thank you for volunteering! I'll contact the case worker immediately and let them know you're going to take the child since it's the right thing to do."
Why are people telling OP to take the child? What the fuck is up with reddit trying to force people to parent a child that they have no legal or moral responsibility to?
This is just a awful situation all around, for OP and the affair child. Honestly, she's doing more than many others would. I can't blame her at all for not wanting to raise another child, let alone the offspring of her late husband's affair. Leave it to a selfish cheater to force everyone to have to clean up his mess.