'AITA for refusing to give my ex 'full access' to my life just because we co-parent?' UPDATED

"AITA For Refusing To Give My Ex 'Full Access' To My Life Just Because We Co-Parent?"

I (25F) have a six-month-old baby with my ex (24M), and we’ve been trying to co-parent since we split a few months ago but now he’s saying I’m being an “@$$hole” for not telling him everything I do when the baby isn’t even with me.

We were together from high school up until recently. Our breakup happened shortly after I gave birth, when I found out he had been cheating with multiple women. His excuse? That I wasn’t being "romantic enough” postpartum and he had a “high libido.” Yeah… that was enough for me to walk away.

Since then, I’ve been rebuilding my life. I got more involved in my church, formed new friendships, and started feeling like myself again for the first time in a while. I’ve also done everything I can to keep things calm and respectful for the sake of our baby.

But now, he’s making it an issue that I don’t share details about my personal life with him. He says I should be more “transparent” and that it’s important for co-parenting. He wants to know who I’m hanging out with, what I’m doing, who my new friends are, even if I’m just out while he has the baby.

His reasoning? He tells me about what he’s doing, so I should do the same. But here’s the thing: I’ve never asked him for any of that information. He voluntarily tells me, “I’m about to hang out with this girl,” or “I’ve been seeing someone new” even when our child is not in his care at the time. It’s his personal time, and I’ve told him I don’t need or want those updates.

Yet now he’s acting like because he shares that info with me, I owe him the same level of openness, even though I’ve never requested it and it’s unrelated to our child. He’s also been following some of my new friends on social media and asking me questions about them.

My account is private, so I don’t know how he’s even finding them. I suspect he’s using a burner account or he’s viewing my church’s page who posts pictures of me and the people I hang out with at times..

I had to ask them to stop posting me (we have a photography team that takes pictures during service or after service and post them online for media purposes ) for a while because I believe he was using those posts to find my friends and follow them. He’s never reached out to any of them, but the whole thing feels really creepy and invasive. It’s crossing a boundary for me.

I’ve talked to some friends about this, and their opinions are mixed. Some say he has a point that we should be transparent with each other since we share a child. Others think he’s overstepping and that this isn’t part of normal co-parenting, especially since our child hasn’t met any of these people and I’m not dating anyone right now.

Even my mom is siding with him. She’s liked him since we were together in high school, and anytime we argued, she tended to take his side and ask what I did wrong. Now she’s saying I should be open about who I’m hanging out with, to better “co-parent”. That makes me question myself even more.

I’m not trying to be an “asshole” or difficult. I believe in healthy boundaries. If someone’s going to be around my child, I’ll share that. But just living my life and seeing friends when my baby isn’t with me? I don’t think I owe him a play-by-play. So now I’m wondering AITAH for keeping parts of my life private from my child’s father when it doesn’t involve our child?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Lucky-Guess8786 said:

BS. Your mom is wrong. You are a strong, independent woman who is entitled to lead her own life. You do not owe an explanation to anyone, not your parents, your ex, or even your child. He's a loser who can't keep it in his pants. Let him show everyone he is the asshat he is.

Tell your Mom that you are not available for any discussions about your parenting situation. Follow that with you are absolutely tired of criticism and blame. Put her on a strong info diet. In fact, remove anyone from your life who is not a cheerleader, the obvious exception being your ex. It sounds like you already have a good info diet in place with him.

I do not understand parents who do not support their children. Why is she so supportive of your ex but not you. That's just shitty. NTA.

getfukdup said:

NTA. "No. From this point forward any words that come out of your mouth that aren't directly about our child, will not be acknowledged."

Amazing-Wave4704 said:

She needs to use a parenting app so everything is record.

OP responded:

I didn’t even think about a parenting app, that’s actually such a good idea. I’m definitely gonna look into that.

sfrancisch5842 said:

NTA. Question: do you have a court approved parenting plan? If not, get one. ASAP. And request to use the parenting app for communications. ANYTHING NOT child related… ignore. Period. Your life is NOT his business. Especially when it does not pertain to your child.

OP responded:

I’ve been considering a court approved parenting plan, just to have clear boundaries and a set visitation schedule, but I’m super new to all that so I’m not sure how it works or what I can even ask for. Definitely feels like it might be time to figure that out though.

TarzanKitty said:

NTA. He is just trying to control you. He doesn’t get to do that anymore.

JustMe518 said:

NTA. You are required to talk with him about your child and your child ONLY. If he really feels this strongly about it, tell him to take you in front of a judge. Please record that hearing and post it so we can all laugh.

TheFairyQueen420 said:

NTA. He's being weird AF. It's none of his business what you are doing, especially when you don't have your child. He's just trying to keep tabs on you & probably to see if you're dating someone new. You need to use a parenting app to keep receipts of his behavior. Your mom's an AH tho for sure. I'd put her on an information diet. I imagine whenever you start to date again, he will be even worse. Good luck.

The next day, she shared this update:

This whole situation has been overwhelming, and your support really gave me the confidence to start seeing things more clearly. Now onto the update:

Unfortunately, things have taken a turn… During our most recent drop-off, my child’s father started demanding once again that I tell him where I go, who I’m with, and who I hang out with in my personal time even when our child isn’t with me.

I stood my ground and told him, very plainly, that I’m not interested in hearing about his personal life, and I’m not obligated to share mine either. Unless it’s a conversation directly involving our child, I’m not engaging.

He then responded by saying (I tried to cut this conversation off beforehand to no avail) that if I have friends over at my apartment even if it’s just a hangout or if I attend church events that he wants to be physically present during those moments to “monitor who’s around our child.” He then said if I don’t start sharing more about what I do and who I’m with, he’s going to pursue full legal and physical custody.

I’ve never really been through the legal system before, but I’m going to reach out to a caseworker or a family attorney this coming week.

✨A lot of people had follow-up questions or offered suggestions, so I just wanted to respond to a few things that came up repeatedly: ✨

•- I’ve started looking into parenting apps and legal steps.

- That was something I hadn’t really considered before or really knew much about, but after how things have gone so far, I know it’s necessary.

- To those asking about my mom yeah, that dynamic has always been hard. She’s sided with him since high school. Even when I told her about the cheating, she responded with “well, men don’t cheat for no reason.” It’s been tough realizing she’s not the kind of support system I need, but I’m distancing myself emotionally and being more careful with what I share.

- As for the jealousy/manipulation theory… A lot of people have pointed out that he might be trying to make me jealous by constantly bringing up other women, and I agree. I also think he’s using this so-called honesty and straightforwardness as a guise to get information about my personal life. This does feel manipulative because he’s creating a one-sided demand for transparency.

- No, we don’t have a custody agreement in place yet. But I am taking steps to speak with a caseworker or attorney.

- Some suspect my mom may be giving him info and honestly, I wouldn’t doubt it. She and my ex are still friends on Facebook. There’ve been instances where he knows things that weren’t posted publicly, but were known by her.

✨Again, thank you all for helping me feel seen and less crazy in all this. If anyone has experience navigating custody arrangements or parenting apps, please share. Also, if you’ve ever had to juggle expenses from situations like this (going to court/seeking legal representation) any advice is greatly appreciated. ✨