'AITA for refusing to give my family money from my divorce settlement and car accident?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to give my family money from my divorce settlement and car accident?"

Let me start by saying in the past I have always given what I could to help my family over the yrs. They've always said it was a loan but never paid it back. That was ok bc I could at the time afford it and they were family.

At the same time, they never do anything to change the situation and it would just be a stop-gap until the next crisis. I've started to over the years feel like an ATM for them. My mother who has BPD is one of the biggest ones that do this. The second is an older aunt who allows all her grown children and their children to live with her. She has an excellent job but is always broke because no one else contributes.

3 yrs ago I started divorce proceedings from my ex we had some joint property that was sold with the profits split 50/50 after the balances owed were paid and any other debt accrued during the marriage.

For a grand total of 15k, not a lot but enough for me to start a new life. Last year I was also in a horrible car accident. I had to go through extensive PT, expensive medical tests and was also out of work during all this.

My family never helped me out financially during any of this. Luckily I receive a VA disability check so even though I struggled I at least had a roof over my head. So between the divorce and the car accident I got about 35k after dr, lawyers, and other fees were paid.

Well, when it passed through the grapevine about the amount my mom and aunt started hitting me up asking if I would give them each in the ballpark of 5k. Well, I finally put my foot down and said no that money is for me to start over with, I told my aunt she needed to get her kids to start paying their share and I was done bailing them all out.

I told my mother something similar. Well now as you can imagine I'm the ungrateful AH. The guilt trips have been so bad I've had to block most of them. My BF agrees with me and thinks this is for their own good. But I'm starting to wonder if maybe I ATA. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

littlefiestyfox said:

NTA. They're parasites. Don't keep feeding them.

gimmeyjeanne said:

NTA I believe it is your money and you are allowed to do whatever you want with it without having to answer to anyone. You wanna burn it ? Go ahead. Give it to charity? Be my guest. But in no way are you obliged to give it to people just because they are family. That just the excuse some use to guilt you into doing something, which shows what type of person they are.

The divorce happened to YOU, the accident happened to YOU. it is YOUR money. I cannot be more clear. Enjoy the stability, I understand that its hard to say no to the people you love but if they contact you only for the money, you might have to rethink it all.

So I've now checked my credit report as a few kind users suggested I do in this hunt to see how they found out and things just keep getting better...apparently I now live at my mother's address have a phone there, an electricity bill, and a cable/internet bill which are all PAST DUE. I didn't think I could become even more upset but here we are.

ColgateCocktail said:

You are obviously NTA but I've dealt with similar stuff in the past. I couldn't for the life of me keep a any savings. You've unknowingly fueled the problem in the past much like i have. This is what helped me Replying with: No as a full sentence or That won't work for me.

Trying to explain anything only helps them argue those points, brief responses are best. Guilt trips are just that. They are trying to manipulate you into sacrificing your quality of life so they can have a better quality of life. The tantrums will eventually stop whether they accept your decision or decide to give you the cold shoulder, either way that is not on you, that's their choice.

You are your own person, they have made their life choices and now it's your turn to make yours.

AMerrickanGirl said:

NTA. But why did they know about your money in the first place? It was none of their business. People with toxic families, learn how to keep them on an information diet!

OP responded:

I'm actually not sure I didn't tell any of them because I sort of expected it.

Jen5872 said:

You need to figure out who leaked it and stop the flow of information. Ask yourself who knew besides yourself, your BF, and your lawyer?

OP responded:

Ex-husband, a few friends, that's it really I know BF didn't do it because he's never spoken to any of them and knows nothing beyond their first names. I don't have them on social media either. I know the lawyer didn't...honestly probably a combination of two ppl ex and one of the friends. Also, bf doesn't know the total amount I got no one knew the whole total only one or the other.

Edit from OP:

ok so I'm not saying this over and over. I never told them what I was getting. In fact, no one, not even my BF knows the full amount of what I got. They knew one or the other. I don't know who leaked it I just know for sure who didn't and that I think it was a combination of people because as I said to know one knew the full total.

Edit 2:

Because I keep saying this. My aunt is a saint she takes in people and gives them whatever she can. She is in danger of losing her home but I'm afraid if I give it to her it won't go where it needs to or even if it does she will be right back in the same position in a few months.

She later shared this brief, upsetting update:

so I've now checked my credit report as a few kind users suggested I do in this hunt to see how they found out and things just keep getting better...apparently I now live at my mother's address have a phone there, an electricity bill, and a cable/internet bill which are all PAST DUE. I didn't think I could become even more upset but here we are.