'AITA for refusing to give my sister the wedding dress I designed, even though she’s terminally ill?'
"AITA for refusing to give my sister the wedding dress I designed, even though she’s terminally ill?"
This is my friend's story, but they told me to post it in 1st person.
So I (29F) am a fashion designer and recently launched my own bridal line.
One of my designs — a sleek, modern gown with hand-embroidered celestial motifs — went viral after a celebrity wore it in a photoshoot. It’s my signature piece and very personal to me. I designed it while going through a rough breakup and poured my soul into it.
My younger sister (26F), who I’ll call Lily, was diagnosed with a rare illness last year. It’s terminal, and she’s been incredibly brave through it all. She recently got engaged to her longtime boyfriend and is planning a small wedding in three months. She asked me if she could wear that dress — the viral one — for her wedding.
Here’s the thing: I had already promised that dress to a museum exhibit showcasing emerging designers. It’s going to be displayed alongside other iconic pieces, and it’s a huge career milestone for me. I gently told Lily that I’d love to design her something custom, even more beautiful and tailored to her, but I couldn’t give her that dress.
She got quiet and said, “I just wanted to feel like a star for one day.” My parents called me heartless and said I was putting my career over family. My aunt posted a vague Facebook status about “people who care more about fame than love.” Even my fiancé thinks I should reconsider.
But I feel like I offered a fair compromise — a custom dress, made with love, just for her. I didn’t say no out of spite. I said no because that dress represents something bigger than me, and I want Lily to have something that represents her. So… AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
It's currently not yours to loan to her. You promised it to the museum.
NTA I mean doesn’t she understand you could design her an even more beautiful dress for her? Or hell maybe you can even design a dress similar to the one you made. You just can’t give her that dress but you can make her, her own dress. Everyone is overreacting.
The sister doesn’t want a more beautiful custom dress. She wants this dress because it was worn by a celebrity and “she wants to feel like a star.” I don’t think OP is the AH for saying no. But another dress doesn’t have the history attached to it even if it is custom and more beautiful.
If OP doesn’t want her to have the dress, offering another won’t make her feel the same. She has every right to say no, but the sister is going to be disappointed. So they will all need to live with that. Especially given the illness, no one wants to disappoint her right now so OP is going to have to learn to deal with any potential backlash.
NTA. You offered a more than fair compromise. Regardless of the family, illness, and other links, you owe no obligation to provide your property to your sister. The emotional blackmail by family members is disgraceful.
NTA. The thing is, I get it that she wants to wear it. And only borrowing it for the wedding would be ok, but she can't guarantee that it wouldn't get damaged. There are so many possibilities what could go wrong.
Something as simple as someone stumbling and spilling something on it. Not to forget, what if the dress needs to be alternated to fit her? If a celebrity wore it, and those are known to be thin… most normal women don't usually have that size that celebrities wear.
Furthermore, I feel for your sister, and being terminally ill sucks and is terrible when you are that young. But realistically, which I hope will not happen anytime soon, and you didn't say how long the doctors give her at all… But she'll die, and your career will not wait for that to happen. It's about your future, too. And it can possibly be a big step-up.
Money is for sure not everything, and happiness is important. But it shouldn't be that you have to sacrifice your ambitions. No one knows if such an opportunity will ever come again. Often it's a one in a lifetime thing.
I like the idea better, that you design something meaningful for her. That's a fair offer. And is a huge connection between her and you. Because you do it with her in mind. Updateme. Just in case.
NTA. You can make a dress that is the same, and then use that. You've already promised that one, and if you really need to push it, just say its under contract and can't be given out right now since it's technically been promised already. Its your work, and you have every right to do with it what you will.
nta. I could see where she wants something with that connection to you, but she is not taking into account that you have already made a commitment for that dress. your offering to make her her own dress would really be much more meaningful, but she has stars in her eyes and wants to have that dress that will live on after she does.
her feelings are all over the place, and understandably so, but you have already committed to something, stay firm in your no and your offer of her own dress. family members need to butt out.
Would she fit the dress without alterations? If so I'd think about it. Yes, the dress is the most amazing thing you've made, but it would be amazing for you to have your sister wear it for her last hurrah too.
The only caveat I see here is that she promises you that it will be returned to you ASAP, not after the honeymoon or whatever. She takes it off, puts in the bag give it to you. Just think about it. Can't say YTA or not here.