Couple called 'intolerance' for refusing to give bedroom to new gay couple. 'Trauma doesn't excuse your behavior.' AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for refusing to give up the master bedroom to a friend’s boyfriend during a group cabin trip?"
My friend group [me (26M), my girlfriend (25F), and friends Jay (25M), Eva (26F), Liam (25M) and Frank (26M)] has a tradition of renting a cabin every summer/winter. The cabin has a master bedroom (double bed), a twin room (two single beds), a loft (two single beds), and a pull-out couch in the living room.
My girlfriend and I have always paid extra to use the master exclusively. Everyone else shares the remaining beds, and Eva usually takes the couch since she snores and doesn't want to room with a guy.
This year, Frank asked if his boyfriend Ed (28M) could come with us. None of us had hadn’t met him, but Frank said he’d cover meals to make up for the cost. Ed seemed nice at first and paid for dinner the first night which was cool.
Problems started when we got to the cabin. Ed said he and Frank wanted to take the master bedroom. I told him (maybe a little harshly) that my girlfriend and I usually use it since we pay extra.
Ed said he didn’t get what the big deal was and that we could sleep in one of the single beds or the couch. These single beds are small and could not comfortably fit two people, plus Eva would have to share a room with one of the guys, and she didn’t want to. Ed said that my girlfriend and Eva could share the couch, and I could room with one of the other guys.
I didn't want to room with a guy when my girlfriend and I have been together a lot longer, and there's no reason for me to room with someone else in favor of a couple who's been together less than a year.
Jay and Liam tried to help, like giving Ed and Frank the couch so they could sleep side by side, but Ed said he didn’t feel comfortable in open spaces and insisted on the master.
Ed and I argued more, and he called me homophobic, saying I didn’t support his and Frank’s relationship by not letting them share a room. I was about to shout when my girlfriend shut me up and told Ed we’d take the couch.
We didn't see them much the rest of the trip. I mostly hung out with my gf and Eva on hikes. Ed and Frank used the master and left a few days early. My girlfriend, Jay, Liam, Eva and I have been talking about what happened.
Jay supports me, but Eva and Liam said I made a huge deal out of nothing and that letting them have the master for a week wasn’t a big deal. Even my girlfriend says I took things too far by keeping everyone up.
I'm still outraged about being kick out of the room but I think I might be AH because it was late and everyone wanted to sleep but I kept dragging out the argument, and I didn't welcome Ed after he argued with me. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. I have a few problems here. Aside from the fact that you paid extra, why did your friend not end this as soon as his bf, who had never met you, cashed you homophobic? Second, if this was his first time meeting the friend group that is a horrible first impression.
Joining a regular friend group vacation he should be sitting back, figuring out the dynamics and getting to know everyone so he gets everyone’s blessing, something he did not do. Finally, if they just wanted a week away to have sex it shouldn’t have been on the friends vacation group. Honestly your friend is maybe the bigger A for not standing up for his friends.
Wild_Win9820 (OP)
Frank has always been the quietest, I don't know why he didn't say anything in my defence because I'd never want him to think I didn't support him or his sexuality. Ed seemed cool at first, paying for dinner at a pricey place we ate at on night one, but everything went downhill after that. I did my best to ignore both of them after the blowup.
Let’s be honest. Ed wanted to be able to have sex. Ed sounds like trash and Frank needs to grow a spine.
Right. "We pay extra to share that room," should have been the end of discussion. Ed sounds kind of entitled. Any of the solutions he suggested for you is something he and Frank could have done. It's ridiculous that you wound up paying extra to sleep on a couch (which also made things inconvenient for Eva).
NTA but why on earth did you argue with a GUEST on your trip. I would had ignored him while unpacking my suitcase. You did make a big deal out of it by arguing when you were right. You didn’t have a point to make; you didn’t need to make a point. Make sure you get back the extra money you paid for the master bedroom.
Twelve days later, the OP returned with an update.
I had some people ask, so I wanted to update. Thanks to everyone who commented. I realized I need a bit of distance from this group for not having my back. On the money issue, I spent some time trying to work out the cost breakdown since many people asked about the numbers.
All prices have been converted to USD. The total cost for the 7-night cabin stay was $1,744. My girlfriend and I covered half of that (3.5 nights), and the other half was split between Frank, Liam, and Jay.
Eva paid for gas (she drives a van for work, so she drove us all up), which came to $199. Ed paid for three meals and snacks, which came to $230 ($157 for the first meal, and $73 for snacks and 2 fast food runs).
What everyone paid:
Me: $436, Girlfriend: $436, Frank: $290.67, Liam: $290.67, Jay: $290.67, Eva: $199 and Ed: $230. So, Ed covered almost the cost of one night, but it was significantly less than my girlfriend and I paid for the master.
The six of us have been going to this same cabin for 5 years, and before my gf and I got together, she and Eva used the master. The others are more than welcome to use the master if they pay what my GF and I do, which I see now might not be super fair to them since we’re the only couple in the group, so that we can afford it more easily.
Like many said to do, I texted Frank and asked him to pay me and my girlfriend for one night’s stay on the trip ($290). It might have been a little under, but I didn’t want to argue anymore, and my gf told me to sort this out and drop the issue. Frank paid me a few days later and asked if we could meet so he could explain what happened at our local bar.
I was to see Ed there when my GF and I arrived. It took some time for the conversation to start, but Ed eventually told us his relationship with his parents has been rocky due to his sexuality.
A few months before the cabin trip, he brought Frank home to meet them for the first time, and his parents made them sleep in separate rooms. Ed said his folks implied that he and Frank would be kicked out if they didn't. He said that when I refused to let them use the master bedroom, it brought up those bad feelings, and he misdirected his anger at me.
I don’t totally buy that explanation, not the full extent of it, but I can understand how not being allowed to share a bed might bring up bad memories for him. For Frank’s sake, I agreed to let it go and told them I appreciated the apology, but I still need space. I’m not ready to pick up where we left off.
My friends usually talk about taking another trip in November at this time, but I think I’ll find somewhere closer to go with my girlfriend so I don’t have to deal with this group drama again. I'm still not entirely over her not having my back either, so nothing's in the works right now. Thanks again.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Whatever his explanation is, tagging along with an existing group as an outsider, to a trip that’s basically a tradition of their, being invited to the trip by 1 person from that group after the plan was already made and then kicking out 2 core members from a room they paid for is a rude and entitled thing to do.
yup totally NTA. absolutely out of line. you join an existing trip? you get what’s left. also dude fighting with the group like the first night isn’t. a good look.
I read the original, and I just want to say that I'm taking your side over the GF. I would feel exactly the same way as you do. The fact that GF doesn't back you up doesn't necessarily mean she's wrong, but it does signal that you two have very different sets of values.
Has this mismatch (in values) manifested in other areas of your relationship? It's something you are probably already reflecting on as you ponder your future with this person. I certainly would.
Usually, people tried to make a good first impression. Even if this did give him some sort of flashback to conflict with his parents, he's still in the wrong. Is your girlfriend just wanting to let it go to keep the peace, or does she not see anything wrong with the issue?
Wild_Win9820 (OP)
She told me she was tired, and that if I should stop waffling on the issue, to make up my mind if I'm upset about the room and want money back, or just to let it go because I was making the entire group uncomfortable. We were friends in this group before we started dating. It feels like she sometimes puts the good of the group above our relationship.