'AITA for refusing to go on a family trip because I feel that my boundaries were not being respected?'
"AITA for refusing to go on a family trip because I feel that my boundaries were not being respected?"
For context, I (M30) was invited to a family trip by my brother (M34), with my mom (F62), my uncle (M58) and two cousins (M30) and F(33). Everyone mentioned in this trip has a significant other except for me and my mom who is a widower.
When planning the trip and picking the house my brother indicated that my mom and I would have to share a room. I let them know that I am not comfortable with this for two reasons.
One, My mom is a 62 year old woman who deserves her own space and should not have to share with anyone, and two, I am a 30 year old adult man who should have his own room. I even offered to pay the difference with regard to a bigger AirBnB.
My brother and his wife then got all huffy and puffy saying they would share the room with my mom and that "you don't need your own room, you're single, and are being selfish" and offered to share the room with my mom and I would take theirs.
Now I don't want to speak for my mom but she is too nice to stand up for herself in these contexts. I have spoken to her and know how she feels, however, she just said that she is okay with that arrangement to make my brother happy.
The truth is, she told me that it makes her feel like an afterthought and that after losing my dad she feels like she is treated as less important or valuable, due to stuff like this. (this is not the first time my brother has tried to pull something like this).
She told me it made her feel like he or anyone else in the family did not really care about her to even consider giving her her own space. She was also upset that nobody else was asked to share the double room, (two queen beds).
For context she is my uncle's older sibling, the oldest in my family, and feels like my cousins and uncle always treat her like less, and nobody else will be sharing a room (except their spouses or kids).
I just feel like we should all have our own rooms and they should all be equal. I don't want to have to share a room just because I am single, while my brother basically rolls out the red carpet to everyone else, (giving my cousin the master bedroom even though my brother is planning the trip) or force my mom to have to do the same thing.
When I offered to just not come, since it would solve all the problems, they got all huffy and puffy again calling me dramatic and saying I am disrespecting the family. So AITA here?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
medongisallsoggy said:
Go on vacation with your mom and make some good memories for her. Do tourist things, have fun, be cheesy together, act like a kid for a bit, get her to have fun. Let the rest of your family go on the vacation they want and take your mom on a vacation she deserves.
I've been to Vegas a few times with my mom and it's always fun, we get to get away together, we hang out during the day and do a mix of what we both want to do, she goes to sleep early and I go out and have some fun. We take a bunch of pics and have memories that will last.
Widowwoman714 said:
NTA and your brother sounds like a very unpleasant person. You’re a good son to look out for your mom. It seems like you and your mom are treated “less than.” Are you sure you even want to go? If your heart’s not in it don’t go. Best of luck to you and your mom, and I’m so sorry for your loss.
ToriBethATX said:
NTA. Instead of totally bowing out, find another AirBnB that’s 2-3 rooms to share with your mom or a nearby hotel. Tell your mom that you are getting a hotel nearby, and would she like you to book her a room in the same hotel. Then send a group text that you and your mom will be staying elsewhere, but nearby, while still participating in the daily activities.
When everyone (but mom) else complains tell them that you, as an adult male, do not wish to share a room with an adult female unless it’s an SO that you plan on enjoying adult activities with.
Also tell them that mom deserves to have her own space as the eldest and that it’s only the respectful thing to do. I’d also point out in that same text that you offered to cover the difference in cost of a larger space so that you and your mom could have your own rooms, but that the offer was shot down with no (good) reason given.
Helen_Magnus_ said:
NTA. Oh as a single person this situation makes me SOOOO ANGRY. Just because I don't have a partner or kids does not relegate me to be treated as a "random add-on" who doesn't have their own wants and needs like anyone else.
Status-Biscotti said:
NTA. Have you told your brother what your mom privately told you?? You should. Maybe if it’s not his “idiot brother’s” opinion, it will mean more. Besides that - WTF?? A grown-a%s man sharing a room with his mother?? I (57 f) barely will share a hotel room with my sons, and they’re early 20’s.
More-Yogurtcloset531 said:
NTA at all. Forget the others and go on vacation with just your mom. Then no one will complain you have your own rooms.