'AITA for refusing to go to my brother’s wedding after years of mistreatment?'

"AITA for refusing to go to my brother’s wedding after years of being treated like I don’t matter?"

Me (F29) and my brother (M31) have never gotten along. This year, I was invited to his wedding—and I said no. From those candy skirmishes onward, I was the one who always thought ahead. If we were given 3 candies each, I’d eat one and save the rest. He’d eat all of his immediately, cry, and my parents would tell me to share mine because “he’s craving them.” That dynamic never changed.

I worked hard in school, got good grades, and went to a public school. My brother was never too interested in studying. He got into trouble because of which my parents needed to transfer him to a different school. He was rewarded with a transfer to a prestigious private school.

I had to fight for every extracurricular or tutoring session (like English classes or extra math lessons) . He got funding for everything he wanted as a job—bartending, massage, barbering—you name it.

When I moved abroad after college, I had almost no support. My mom secretly gave me $600 behind my dad’s back and my boyfriend paid for my flight. I landed in a new country with barely enough for one month’s rent and my luggage. I struggled, but I was determined.

Three months in, my parents asked me to help my brother move to the same country. I resisted as I was not in a great position to anyone as I was slightly drowning myself, but they kept pushing. I found him a job, a place to stay, and even let him crash in our shared living room. Two weeks later, he quit and moved to the capital to live with friends. He thought money abroad grew on trees.

About a year later he returned home, as apparently this was an awful country and he hated it. Everything was so hard and no one was helping him. He tried to start a business (which failed), then wanted to come back again.

I told him I couldn’t help at the time—we hadn’t spoken in over a year, my boyfriend got a great job opportunity in another part of the country, and we had to move houses a second time in the same year. I had to quit my job to follow my man and haven't found one yet. So money was tight and I had my own struggles to worry about.

He didn’t take it well, because as usual, he thinks that everyone owes him. Eventually, my parents helped him through cousins and he returned to the country with his girlfriend this time.

Also during all of these years my parents would call me before his birthday to push me to call him or send a message to him with a Happy Birthday, to be "the bigger person", and that sort of thing.

Our birthdays are 1 month apart and after my message on his birthday, I won't get one back on my day. So I stopped doing that. Fast forward a few years, I worked my way up, took every opportunity to learn, every extra task and responsibility, and got a few promotions. Now both my husband and I are doing well. When we got married, my brother didn’t come. Claimed he had no money and that was struggling as usual.

But I later found out my parents offered him $1500 to attend (flights and expenses). He declined the invitation—and they SENT HIM THE MONEY ANYWAY.

He didn’t even send a text. His girlfriend messaged me “congrats” days before the wedding,I said "thank you, but it's not today" then she deleted it saying it was meant for someone else. No texts or calls on the day of the wedding or after. We haven't seen each other ever since(2 years?). They don't know that we know about these 1.5K.

Now he’s getting married, and my parents are begging me to go. They say “do it for us,” “be the bigger person,” “he’s your brother.” But I’ve been the bigger person for years. I’ve sent birthday messages, tried to reconnect, and got nothing in return. He never once messaged me on my birthday, or cared enough to call me and ask how I am, except for the times when he needed help or money to borrow.

His fiancée actually had the nerve to say we were “luckier” than them and that our lives were somehow easier. They act like our success came from handouts or chance rather than late nights, sacrifice, and relentless perseverance.

They didn’t even bother to ask about our journey—just slapped the “lucky” label on us and dismissed every obstacle we overcame. Neither my husband nor I ever leaned on relatives or friends for help—whether moving abroad, switching careers, or relocating—so we built our life we wanted from the ground up.

People always feel sorry for my brother. He complains nonstop that life is unfair, nothing ever works out, and he’s permanently broke—and they rush in to help. It infuriates me because I never got that same sympathy when I was struggling.

He’s a 32-year-old with a healthy body and a functioning brain—more than capable of taking charge of his life. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, he needs to get off his butt, and actually put in the work. I’ve been through therapy, and I’ve learned that I don’t owe anyone a relationship—not even family. I’m done being guilt-tripped into prioritizing someone who never prioritized me.

To finalize this, I’m not asking if I’m wrong this time, I know I'm not. I just needed to share what still triggers me: that even after all these years, my family still puts him first and acts like I owe them something.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Hammingbir said:

1.) you make your own luck. He’s never deigned to try because he gets everything handed to him. Your parents robbed him of that life lesson.

2.) karma is a B. After years of neglect, you can’t be goaded into actions that don’t serve the greater good (and he’s no greater good) Your parents have spent a lifetime shielding him from accepting responsibility.

3.) let him learn how to be the bigger person. So far, he’s never been taught that. Your parents robbed him of the need to put someone else’s needs ahead of himself. The marriage is doomed…

MerelyWhelmed1 said:

Tell your parents you'll come if they pay for your travel, as they did for your brother when you got married. See what they say. (But don't go.)

CatAddictedNutjob said:

Let it out, it’s part of healing and letting it go. Don’t go you owe them nothing. Enjoy your life and stay nc for your sanity Proud of you 😊

And Appropriate-Round-77 said:

Why on earth would you go! Totally with you, save your energy for things that matter.