'AITA for refusing to go to SIL’s wedding after she disinvited us a week before it?'
"AITA for refusing to go to SIL’s wedding after she disinvited us a week before it?"
My partner (M) and I (F) have been together for about 6 years, married for just over a year. His sister is getting married in a week. She and him got into a huge fight a couple of days ago and she ended up saying awful things to him (I’m sure he said his fair share too) which included insulting me in really random and personal ways.
I thought we got along well and genuinely liked her so I was shocked to hear she brought me into their fight and said bad things about me. The fight ended with her telling him she didn’t want him or me to come to her wedding.
My feeling is we have to respect her wishes and not go, and my partner feels the same. However, in their family it’s not unusual at all that she blows up and says terrible things to people and then everyone just acts normal afterwards.
I know that she and the rest of the family assume nothing has changed, that we’ll be at the wedding as expected and act like nothing happened. She literally said “I don’t want you two at my wedding.” So…unless she contacts us and says otherwise (and apologizes for the ridiculous insults and accusations) I feel like we shouldn’t go.
But I know his mom (and SIL) expect that we’ll just act like nothing happened and let her save face and never take responsibility for what she said. Would we be the AH for not going?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Seems like it’d be rude to not respect her wishes, doesn’t it?
NTA, I would not bring it up or discuss it with anyone. Just don't go. No drama is required by you. If asked after the fact, you can state that you were not invited.
NTA Don't go and don't tell anyone you're not going. I laugh when brides and grooms actually think being uninvited to a wedding is some sort of punishment. No expensive gift, no dress up clothes, no cold chicken dinner, no endless polite chit-chat. How will we stand it?!
NTA the problem is everyone in his family has been enabling her toxic behavior for years and yes, it is time for you and your husband to make a stand. There will definitely be some blowback from not going to the wedding, but you’ve got to start making boundaries and sticking to them.
NTA. And fight this or you will be dealing with this behavior for the rest of your life. I know. My SIL is like this only I gave pushback to her and my wife so I don't have to deal with it. Of course, that took 15 years of misery.
NTA. When someone gives you an ultimatum or says they don’t want you at an event, take them up on their offer. Your SIL only gets away with this nonsense because everyone else puts up with it. Don’t put up with it.
She can either start acting like an adult & stop treating people like dirt, or continue to act that way with more & more family members not tolerating her behavior. Be the ones who put a stop to her nonsense. She said she didn’t want you there, so don’t go.
You’re in a no-win situation. NTA but you’ll be called that one way or the other.
Sadly you’ve been uninvited and wouldn’t want to cause drama. If a family member later says ‘oh she didn’t mean it really!’ I’d say ‘so you think she lied??’ Enjoy a peaceful night out knowing you’ll be the topic of conversation (and cost her two meals). 😈
NTA. Don't go, let the rest of the family deal with her. Take a little mini-vacation at that time instead. Good luck to you and your DH, your SIL will never really change for any reason.
NTA - She dis-invited you, you shouldn't go. If she didn't mean it, she should grow up and perhaps her brother missing her wedding will be the wake up call. I guess, I'd make sure mom knows that you won't attend until/unless she re-invites you and apologizes. That way mom can help daughter save face. But, I wouldn't show up to make her look good and not take responsibility for her childishness.
NTA, don’t go, if anyone asks, tell them you were disinvited. This is on her and you have zero reason to go to the wedding or hang out with someone who has a bad temper, says horrible things to you and that you’d need to walk on eggshells around. My feeling is she chooses not to acquire self control and expects everyone to live with it. I wouldn’t.
NTA- Honestly, I would stay home, and when they call me confused wondering why I’m not there, I would act just as confused as to why they were expecting me when I was uninvited.
“You know we didn’t mean it” “Well obviously not cause I’m not there.”
Turn the tables in a finishing blow and tell her that you were heartbroken about being uninvited, and you wished she’d just communicated clearly instead of creating this confusion for no reason.
No, and I think you should tell your MIL in advance that she will not be going unless she extends the invitation again. That should come with an apology. You might cut the bride some slack and give her some time. She's probably under a lot of stress. Not that that excuses her behavior. Confront her on it when things have calmed down.
NTA. She uninvited you. Respect her wishes. Go out with your husband and have a great time somewhere else. And keep your phones off. Maybe go out to dinner and then see a movie. And if toy bought her a present make sure to return it! Put the money toward you dinner. Have a great night!