'AITA for refusing to go to my sister's wedding because of her 'rules'?'
"AITA for refusing to go to my sister's wedding because of her 'rules'?"
I (26F) have been having a hard time deciding if I’m overreacting about this, so I wanted some outside perspective. I’m autistic and sometimes don’t always catch when people are being sarcastic or saying things that mean something other than what they sound like.
So, my sister (30F) is getting married in two months. She’s very excited, and honestly, I was excited for her too until recently. I’ve been with my girlfriend, Laila (33F), for almost two years now. She’s amazing! She’s a contracts attorney, super smart, and really kind.
She’s also butch and very masculine presenting. She’s 3rd generation Iranian-American, and she has the most beautiful custom-tailored suit ready for the wedding that matches the dress code perfectly (it’s navy blue and she looks so nice in it!)
Here’s where the issue starts: my sister has told me Laila can’t wear her suit to the wedding. She said the dress code requires women to wear dresses. I asked why, because it feels weird and arbitrary, and she just said it’s her wedding, her rules.
I tried to explain that Laila isn’t comfortable in dresses and hasn’t worn one since she was a kid, asking if she could make an exception so Laila would feel comfortable, but my sister just kept repeating that it’s her day and we should respect her wishes.
I told her it feels unfair and like she was trying to single Laila out, but she said it’s not just about Laila; it’s about the "vibe" she wants for her wedding. When I asked what she meant by that, she said something about “wanting everyone to look cohesive for photos” and “not wanting to confuse people.” I don’t really get how Laila wearing a suit would confuse anyone. She always wears suits and pants.
My sister has always been a little weird about Laila. When I first introduced Laila to my family, my sister said, “Oh, I wasn’t expecting her to look this mature.” (Laila does look older than me, but I didn’t think it was a big deal.)
She also made a weird comment about how Laila “must be doing very well for herself” because of how nice her car is. And when I mentioned Laila’s family is from Iran, my sister said, “Oh, that’s interesting.” But it made Laila look upset.
At first, I thought I was reading too much into things, but then my sister started referring to Laila as my “friend” when talking to other people about the wedding. I corrected her every time, but she’d just laugh and say, “Oh, you know what I mean.” And now, with this dress code thing, it feels like there’s a pattern.
I talked to Laila about it, and she said she’d be fine skipping the wedding if it’s going to be like this. She doesn’t want to cause drama, and honestly, I don’t want to go if it means having to fight my sister on this the whole time. I told my sister I’m not coming if Laila isn’t welcome as herself, and now she’s saying I’m being dramatic and ruining her big day over something “silly.”
My parents are saying I should just go and keep the peace because it’s my sister’s wedding and she’s only going to get married once (hopefully). But I feel like I’d be betraying Laila and myself if I went along with these rules. It feels like she's trying to exclude the woman I love. I'm struggling so hard and don't understand why she wnats to exclude Laila.
I feel like I'll let my family down if I don't go, but my sister is excluding the person I love most and I want Laila to know I don't support my sister being mean. AITA for saying I won't go?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Sorry OP but it sounds like your sister is judging you and Laila, or at least selectively biased against more masculine presenting women. NTA.
Exactly, she hits the trifecta of being a crappy person. OP, NTA. Skip the wedding and spend the money you would have spent on presents, clothes, etc on a weekend getaway with Laila!
Your sister's language surrounding the wedding and Laila is code for homophobia and I'm guessing racism. I think that telling people specifically what to wear and not to wear is a huge problem, and if a woman doesn't want to wear a dress, does that mean she gets tossed out?
Don't go. Don't apologize for not going. Just say that you can't abide by the rules and that you hope the wedding is nice. The end. And when she calls you selfish and it's for "familly," just tell her that if you did come you'd be ruining the vibe because you plan to wear pants and you know it's not within the dress code.
Plus there's no way Laila will wear a dress either, so it's just best for the two of you two stay away. Either way, the invitation is not a summons. You're allowed to refuse for any reason. NTA.
Your sister is a big homophobe. These “rules” obviously only apply to you and your partner, I don’t think she’s writing “women in dresses only” in the invitations. I would talk to her, explain how you understand it’s her day but she’s hurting you in the process.
Your sister’s rules sound more like excuses to exclude Laila, and that’s so not okay. You’re standing up for your girlfriend and your relationship, which takes courage. If your sister can’t respect Laila for who she is, she doesn’t deserve to have you there supporting her big day. You’re absolutely NTA.
Honestly, your sister is being pretty dismissive and inconsiderate of Laila. It's not about a dress code, it's about her not respecting Laila for who she is. You have every right to stand by your girlfriend. It’s not about “ruining her day,” it’s about standing up for what's right. Don’t let them guilt-trip you into choosing them over your partner. You deserve to feel supported in your relationship!