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'AITA for refusing to have my dad in my life after he chose his new family?' UPDATED 4X

'AITA for refusing to have my dad in my life after he chose his new family?' UPDATED 4X


"AITA for refusing to have my dad in my life after he chose his new family?'


When I was 13 my dad had an affair and left my mom and moved in with his affair partner who ill call J. At first me and my sister would visit every weekend and I will admit he was a good dad although I never liked J.

When J got pregnant and had their son our visits became less frequent and my dad was more concerned with his new family. He would miss some of my my recitals or my sisters competitions because he was busy with his son.

When I was 16. J decided she wanted to move for a new job opportunity. Me and my sister begged him not to leave us bit he just said "I need to prioritise my family". He moved 10 hours away. That pretty much ended our relationship and I decided to go no contact as it was clear he did not consider me family.

My younger sister stayed in contact with him. He would try and call me and offer for me to come and visit with my sister but I refused. When he came back to see my sister I would refuse to speak to him when he turned up at the house. I didn't invite him to my high school or college graduation.

I'm now 33 and have remained no contact with him, he has over the years repeatedly tried contacting me and getting his family to contact me on his behalf to reconcile. I have avoided family events in case he attended including my sisters wedding and baby showers.

My dad and his family moved back to our home town 3 months ago and he has been relentless trying to reconcile. I have received messages from my half brother and sister wanting a relationship saying he's a great dad.

My dad found out I'm getting married and keeps trying to contact me and has even tried to speak to my fiance. J messaged me saying I have broke my dads heart repeatedly and I'm pathetic and should get therapy. I replied back that she was nothing but a home wrecking whore and then blocked her.

Everyone seems to be wanting me to let him back in my life. I'm sick of all the harassment and accidentally bumping into my dad and his family in the town. Whenever I see him I just walk away and refuse to speak to them. Everyone is saying he's a good dad and tried his best to remain in contact but I pushed him away.

Everyone is pressuring me my mom, sister. Granparents aunts and uncles, even some of my friends. My fiance has even started saying I'm the AH for shutting him out. Its all starting to get to me so am I AITA?


Thankyou for your comments I haven't got through all of them but I'm glad to know that most of you think I'm NTA which is a huge relief as I thought I was going insane. I'm going to have a serious conversation with my fiance as most of you pointed out he should have my back.

If he continues to defend my dad then I'm going to have to think if this relationship should go any further. We are 12 weeks out from the wedding but need to sort this out sooner than later.

For information:

I own a local business moving away is not an option. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone and he is friends with a lot of people including my fiance family. My dad did not come back for me - he came back because Js parents need help and care.

He has not financially supported me since I was 17 he witheld my college fund to try and blackmail me into having a relationship with him so I had to work and get loans. I've avoided events because my family use it as a chance to force reconciliation.

He also won't leave me alone and makes scenes - hell come up to me talking as if nothing has happened try to hug me or starts crying. I cant simply cut everyone off - everyone is on his side and against me including my own mother.

Edit 2

To give you all a bit more context when he left my mom for J he only wanted us on the weekend my mom offered him 50/50 but refused. I didn't like j and was standoffish with her because I knew what they had done- my sister was too young to understand and was more accepting of her.

J was mean to me but nice to my sister when I was at my dad's I felt uncomfortable and she would purposefully leave me out of fun activities or plan things purely for my sister. We had a few arguments over minor things but my dad always took her side. My dad and me used to have daddy daughter date at least once every 2 weeks. J put a stop to that.

When she had my half brother we went from going every weekend to once every 6 weeks. My dad was MIA and had finally gotten his precious son. He stopped trying with me.

When they moved I was so upset he chose to leave us. He didn't want custody just for us to visit him every now and again and speak to him on the phone. Parenting at a distance so all of his focus was on his new family.

When I graduated from high school and refused to invite him everything blew up J called me some terrible names and so did my dad and he refused to give me my college fund unless i started being part of the family again. From what I gathered, he spent it on his new family.

I'm sick of being the one to miss out on events with my family. I would be willing to be in the same room but not interact or even be civil but he pushes things and makes it impossible.

Edit 3

Have spoken to my fiance.

Update will be posted shortly.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:


NTA but this is going to be brutal if your fiancé doesn't get on board with your pirate ship. Depending on the size of your hometown and how serious he is about pushing this, you may need to consider moving, especially if everyone around you is involved.


You're allowed to have whatever kind of relationship you want with your father. Did your fiance have to deal with being abandoned by your dad? Nope. Your sister was younger than you and may not have felt the loss like you did. You have the right to feel angry and hurt.

Block J. This is the woman who pressured your father to leave your town. She had an affair with him that broke up your family. Your father did those things too. Neither one of them has any right to tell you how to react or feel.

Deadbeat parents love to get back in their kids' lives when the kids are adults and no longer need to be parented and things are easy. You should feel totally free to do what is right for you.

Tell everyone else that you no longer want to hear about this. They don't get to dictate how you feel. Whenever anyone brings it up, leave the room or put down the phone. Do not tolerate it and people will learn to shut it.


NTA, I'd send them all a clear message that you do not consider him family after he quite clearly told you, when you were 16, that you are not family (are they currently aware of this?).

And also make it clear that you will start cutting them out of your life if they do not stop harassing you about this. Perhaps just throw them all in a group chat for this so you can send it once to everybody?

Your fiance siding with them instead of respecting your pretty clear boundary is worrying and would make me reconsider the marriage if he doesn't cut it out fast as that's a massive red flag that doesn't bode well for your future with him.


"He is a great dad!"

"Not to me you a$$h0l3"

If your fiance is joining the club you may need to reconsider marriage. So sorry you got abandoned by your dad and that no one respects your reasonable decision. NTA.


I would call him. Don't let him talk, just say "you told me you were prioritizing your family. I was clearly not in that loop. You chose not to be my father. I'm sorry you regret it.

But if you don't stop harassing me and sending people to harass me foe you, you will also have a restraining order from me. I am upholding the rule you made when I was a child. It's not my problem. Leave ne alone".

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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