Brother's wife causes trouble by revealing lottery windfall. AITA?
"AITA for refusing to help my brother after his wife blabbed about my financial situation?"
Imaginary_Bowl_273
A few years ago I won a lottery and became set for many lives over. Even though my name and winnings were public records, I worked hard to keep it a secret. For the most part it worked. After verifying my winnings and setting up a trust, I told my family.
My plan was to basically help each of my three brothers and my parents depending on their needs. My brother Chris and his wife Alice had three kids and I offered to pay for a down payment on a house they wanted. As crazy as it sounds, I was more broke the first year of winning than the year before I won because I was helping my family out.
I had one rule for anyone who took money from me - don't tell anyone about my money. Well Chris and Alice did for clout and that unleashed a lot of people bombarding me with money requests. These were friends of theirs, friends of friends of theirs, in-laws, etc.
Like my brother's BIL asked me to pay for a wedding in St Lucia because his fiancée wanted one and I met the guy twice in nine years. Though this happened in 2021, people still bother me constantly for money.
I was pissed and cut my brother off. This led to a rift in the family and I largely became estranged from them. It was unfortunate because I was very close to my nephews and wanted to spoil them.
Last week my other brother emailed me and said Chris has been sick all year and is bed ridden and gets specialized care. Something to do with breathing. I said that was sad. He said that Chris and Alice were going to lose the house because Chris hasn't been working.
They have four kids from age 4 to 15. I told him if he had something to say, then say it. He asked me if I'd help them out by paying their outstanding bills and until they can get back on their feet.
I said no. The money isn't the issue. It's my privacy. I have no idea if they will keep their mouths shut about my helping them. I get painted as a "nice rich guy" and then I have 10 people bothering me with their problems.
You help them once, they'll keep on coming back. It's very funny how people just happen to have financial emergencies when you're helping others out. The other problem is that of my brother does pass, then I don't want Alice getting a house that I paid 20% of.
She and I don't get along and she's the one who put my business out there. She was so certain that I'd take care of them that she didn't even bother to say "thanks for the down payment on our dream house!" How bad is their financial situation? Bad. I'd offer to help in other ways but beggars want to be choosers and negotiate their charity.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Informal_Sky_7866
NTA the hospital has to set up payment plans for him, let them sell their house and downsize to pay bills. If your brother passes you can help him out-by helping his kids with college money.
The OP responded:
Imaginary_Bowl_273
That's my thing. His wife won't get a job. She wants to be a stay at home mom which is luxury, not a necessity.
Brokenstoryunread
NTA. What I will say though is to consider opening up a post secondary trust for their children that only you have access to for if/when they decide to go to school after 18-years-old.
Those children should not be collateral damage based on their parents who went against your rules. You can always explain the situation to the children when they are of age. Other than that your brother and SIL can F OFF!
The nerve of them to tell everyone and then have you get harassed and viewed as a bank. Your family can step up and help them with their financial situation. If Chris really needed assistance he would have told you himself or Alice would have put her pride down, reached out, apologized, and informed you of needing assistance.
If that day does come, you can always help Chris and Alice financially, but get a legal contract that requires them to pay you back in full, that is signed by all parties! I hope you have everything set and stone, that you look after your well-being, and that you don’t allow ANYONE to take advantage of you!
The OP again responded:
Imaginary_Bowl_273
I can't do all that with grown adults and paying thousands to a lawyer to draw up a trust and this and that because I'm trying to help people who are trying to take advantage of me.
superedubb
NTA. You did a very big thing to help them...on one condition. The wife broke that condition. Now they need help and if I'm understanding everything correctly, one of the reasons they need help is because same wife refuses to work? Yeah, I wouldn't help either. If you're concerned about your nieces and nephews, set them up a college fund or something...that only they have access to.
annedroiid
"I was very close to my nephews."
"I don’t want Alice getting a house that I paid 20% of."
You’re absolutely not the AH, but I just wanted to give you some food for thought. Unless your nephews are late teens at this point if you want to be able to give them any help it’s going to mean helping their parents.
Is your hatred/disdain for their mother larger than your love for your nephews? Even if your brother dies from his illness? Are you okay with your nephews losing their home while also possibly losing their father?
It’s fine if the answer is yes, I’m not here to try to convince you one way or the other. Just make sure you’re aware that all of the above is what you’re choosing, and that it’s likely your SIL will (rightly or wrongly) make sure your nephews hate you for it if you don’t help out.