Woman refuses to husband's demands to cater to "helpless" MIL; "she treats me like a servant." AITA?
"AITA for refusing to help my mother-in-law after feeling like she treats me like a servant, even though my husband’s mad about it?"
More-Promotion-8327
I’ll try to keep this short, but honestly, I don’t even know where to begin with this one. For some background, I (F) have been married to my husband for a few years now, and things have been mostly good between us. But there's one huge issue that's been causing a ton of friction: his mom.
When we first got married, I wanted to be on good terms with her, obviously. So whenever she needed help running errands, picking up groceries, you name it I was happy to pitch in.
At the start, I thought it was just occasional stuff. You know, regular family helping each other out kind of thing. But over time, her “requests” have turned into what feels like a full-time job.
It started small she’d ask me to grab her things when I was out, or help with cleaning when we visited. But then she started calling me all the time, like several times a week, to come over and “help” with things she could easily handle herself.
Things like laundry, cooking, vacuuming stuff that isn’t even urgent! I started feeling less like a daughter-in-law and more like a personal assistant or... honestly, a servant. The worst part is that anytime I even hint that I have a lot on my plate already (I work full-time, and I have my own family responsibilities to take care of), she’ll start with the guilt trips.
Stuff like, “Oh, I guess I’ll just do it myself even though my back has been hurting so much lately…” And without fail, my husband just doesn’t get it. Anytime I try to bring it up with him, he brushes it off, saying, “She’s just lonely, can’t you just be there for her? It’s family, after all.”
Last week was the final straw. I had a long, exhausting day at work, and I was really looking forward to coming home, unwinding a bit, and just having some peace. But as soon as I walk in, my husband tells me that his mom called and needed help cleaning out her attic.
He’s already told her that I’ll go over. When I said no, that I was tired and needed a break, he looked genuinely shocked and annoyed. He called her back and told her I wasn’t coming and I could hear her reaction through the phone.
She starts practically wailing, saying how she needs me, how she doesn’t know what she’ll do without me, all that. After he hung up, he turned to me and said I was being selfish and dramatic, and now he’s basically giving me the cold shoulder.
He keeps saying things like, “What if we need her help someday? She’s family you don’t just abandon family.” And it’s like he’s totally ignoring how burned out and used I feel.
I honestly don’t know if I’m overreacting here. I mean, it’s his mom, and family is important. But I feel like I’m the only one sacrificing here, and he’s just letting her walk all over me. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
PervyMoon
NTA. You’re not a servant, it’s fair to set boundaries. Your husband should support you, not guilt-trip you into overextending yourself.
More-Promotion-8327 (OP)
Thank you ... I fell like her personal servant i can't keep up with it anymore it just to much to handle!
LawfulnessSuch4513
Why cant hubby go help “his mom”??? If it were tour mom, would he treat her the same as he expects you to do to his mom? Doubtful!!! Tell him ti go help her…now!
More-Promotion-8327 (OP)
Thanks.. No he would never help my mum as much as I do for his mum but that ends now .. He will have to step up and do the servant part from now on for his mother!
TopAd7154
NTA. Keep saying no. Why can't he help her?
Wrong_Moose_9763
“She’s just lonely, can’t you just be there for her? It’s family, after all.”
Tell him to get off his ass himself.
"my husband tells me that his mom called and needed help cleaning out her attic. He’s already told her that I’ll go over."
Same as above. You have a huge husband problem, HUGE. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM. NTA.
Candid_Process1831
NTA! Your MIL sound like she is taking full advantage of you she sounds more like the AH. You need to sit down with your husband and have a serious conversation about your MIL and her taking advantage of you, he could also ho over helping her out it's hit mother!!!
frozenbroccolis
NTA but you don’t really have a mother-in-law problem here, you have a husband problem. The first issue is that you’ve let this go on way too long; and she’s taking advantage, but your husband‘s unwillingness to hear you and understand how you feel and support you and then blame and guilt you is the main problem in your marriage.
He is telling you that his mother’s voice is louder and more important than yours. To the detriment of your mental, emotional, and physical health. You really need to think about that.
theworldisonfire8377
This is ridiculous. Make a list of everything you have helped his mom with. Literally everything you can remember. Then sit him down and give him that list, ask him if he would like to take over doing all those things in HIS spare time, such as after he works all day, and then ask him where in your wedding vows did it say that you were signing on to be his mother’s maid and caretaker?
You have a significant husband problem, and she isn’t going to stop until he establishes some very strict boundaries on how she is treating you. She is 100% taking advantage and manipulating you, but he is allowing it. NTA, both of their behavior is deplorable.