'AITA for refusing to help my parents out financially because they only help my siblings?'
"AITA for refusing to help my parents out financially because they only help my siblings?"
I'm (30m) the oldest of five and my siblings are 28f, 27m, 25m and 23f. Our parents were always generous with giving money when asked for it, except when it was me. I was told I should learn to work hard. I was told I didn't need the new video game or toy.
I was told earning money was the only way I'd ever have money and I hadn't earned money from them. But my siblings could get whatever they wanted. When I first graduated college I ended up struggling financially because where I went to work, the cost of apartments were so high.
I asked my parents if they could help me out and they said no. I ended up in a shelter for a few weeks and then rented a dump of an apartment with a friend who found himself in the same situation.
They not only helped my siblings through college, which they didn't do for me, but they gave each of them lump sums after they graduated to help them get started in life. They also helped them out when asked over the years. During Covid years especially.
They didn't offer any money to help toward mine and my wife's wedding. We didn't ask. But it stood out more when my sister (28f) got engaged and our parents had mentioned money for "all the weddings". Again, it was all except for mine.
Only now this has all caught up with them and they are in a very tight spot with money. They're asking me for money too. They told me they need our (mine and my wife's) help and we should do it because of how great they have been and they never say no to any of us.
I told them they never helped me with any of that. That they preferred to see me homeless rather than help me out. They argued back that it never happened and I could have asked if things were that bad.
I showed them screenshots of texts where I had brought the topic up after asking them verbally. My parents dismissed it and then told me they're still my parents and I'm the most settled and I could afford to help them. I admitted that I could. But I didn't feel they had earned it.
My parents called me spiteful and said I should help my parents rather than see them lose everything. I told them to ask the kids who they helped. My siblings were also outraged that I have said no. They told me that my mom and dad don't deserve my pettiness. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
misstangg_celeste
NTA for wanting to set boundaries, especially if you feel like the financial support isn’t being given fairly. It’s understandable to be frustrated if you’re consistently left out while your siblings get help.
You have every right to stand up for yourself and prioritize your own needs. Maybe have a candid conversation with your parents about how their actions are affecting you and your willingness to support them.
Dependent_Waltz_8236 OP responded:
A candid conversation with them is a waste of time after everything. I have made many attempts to speak to them about the disparity in treatment between my siblings and me. They only hear what they want to when it comes up. Like how they conveniently forgot about me asking for money when I had nowhere else to go.
He’s following the lesson his parents taught him, you get money by earning it. Throwing it away on disrespectful and greedy people is not a way to maintain those earnings. Parents have invested in the wrong children, must be pretty humbling that 4 of them can’t do better that just one.
here4theGoz
NTA, I would go LC with the parents just based on their treatment of you. Screenshot the texts, start a family group chat w siblings, and state that you are just treating your parents the same way they treated you.
No worse, no better that you are happy that your siblings had all that help and you're sure they'd be willing to return the favor now, exit group. And move on. You have zero responsibility in helping ppl who financially and emotionally (favoritism and isolation are forms of abuse) abused you growing up.
Apart-Ad-6518
NTA: " I told them they never helped me with shit. That they preferred to see me homeless rather than help me out. They argued back that it never happened and I could have asked if things were that bad. I showed them screenshots of texts where I had brought the topic up after asking them verbally."
I'm puzzled by this. I wonder if you were also the family scapegoat. Whatever the reason, kudos for achieving what you have despite the hardship you went through. "My siblings were also outraged I said no. They told me mom and dad don't deserve my pettiness."
It isn't pettiness though is it? You're just declining to use the resources you got through your own efforts. Your siblings can reciprocate what your parents did for them.
SnoopyisCute
NTA. You're the black sheep - expected to pick up the pieces for everybody else but nothing is ever reciprocated or appreciated. My parents literally had me driving them around to help my sister find her SECOND house while I was homeless when my ex changed the locks on our co-owned home.
They paid for her divorce attorney and wouldn't help me get winter clothes. Hung up on me when a mechanic ripped me off with 5 vehicles on their driveway. The stress of my separation and divorce has led to 100+ hospitalizations\ER visits. Not a call, visit, etc.. nothing.
Then, I got cursed out for not driving 2 hours to visit them when they were in the hospital (my mother has literally thrown hospital trays at me when I did visit). So, you CAN help but it won't be appreciated or reciprocated. My parents were wealthy so I didn't have that kind of pressure but I totally get the one-sidedness problem you're facing.