Sister vanishes for five years then demands support when life falls apart. AITA?
"AITA for refusing to help my sister after she went no contact?"
My (32F) younger sister, Emily (29F), cut off contact with me and our parents five years ago. There was no dramatic fallout no huge fight, no specific betrayal. She just slowly pulled away.
It started with unanswered texts, then declined invitations, and eventually, she blocked all of us. It hurt, but we respected her choice. Our parents took it the hardest. They kept wondering what they had done wrong.
My mom even wrote her letters that went unanswered. Every birthday, every holiday, they held onto hope that she would come back. I can’t lie I was angry at her. I missed her, but she made it clear she wanted nothing to do with us. At some point, I just accepted it.
Then, two weeks ago, I got a message from an unknown number. It was Emily. She said she was going through a rough divorce, was nearly broke, and needed a place to stay. She didn’t apologize or acknowledge the years of silence just jumped straight to asking for help.
I was stunned. I asked her why she was reaching out to me now, after all this time. She dodged the question and just said she “really needed family right now.” I told her, honestly, that it hurt to hear from her only because she needed something.
I asked her why she cut us off in the first place, and she got defensive, saying it wasn’t important and that she just needed a fresh start back then. I told her I wasn’t comfortable letting her move in when she clearly didn’t want a real relationship with me just a roof over her head.
If she had anywhere else to go, she should try that first. She got upset and accused me of punishing her for the past. She said she was in a desperate situation, and I was being cold and cruel by holding a grudge.
Later, my parents found out and begged me to reconsider. They said this was my chance to repair things, that if I helped her now, maybe she’d come back into our lives for good.
My mom started crying, saying Emily must have had a good reason for leaving and that I should be the bigger person. I told them that’s not how relationships work you don’t just disappear for five years and then expect unconditional support.
Now, I feel torn. On one hand, I don’t think I owe Emily anything after she abandoned us. On the other hand, I know she’s struggling, and I could help her. But would that just make me a doormat? Am I the AH for refusing to let her move in?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA, if your parents are so concerned perhaps she can move in with them. You owe her nothing.
True, but in unhealthy relationships, isolation is often the 1st step. The abusive partner separates the victim from family, friends, any support system. It's possible that she didn't leave intentionally.
She probably was in an abusive relationship and under coercive control. You should talk to her. Women in those situations are coerced into pulling away from loved ones to control them. Try to put your hurt aside and see if that’s what was happening. Women are most at risk for death when leaving abusers.
NTA. Emily cut you off for five years without explanation and now she suddenly wants support without addressing the past. That’s not how relationships work. Wanting an apology or at least an honest conversation isn’t "holding a grudge".
Helping doesn’t have to mean opening your home. If you want to support her in some way, you could offer temporary financial help or point her toward resources. But you don’t owe her anything, especially when she still refuses to acknowledge the past.
What is the situation with the “rough divorce“? If Emily was in an abusive relationship, this could explain cutting off family. Maybe talk to her more about this before you close the door.
I would go meet for coffee. Maybe her ex is a narcissist. Narcissistic people are classic at forcing the people that they are manipulating to cut off any family members. So perhaps she was in the grips of being manipulated by a narcissist. Ask her questions over coffee. Maybe TA. Maybe not.
I think your sister was married to a guy who forced her to cut you off. Not that that makes it right, but it’s hard to be in a relationship with someone when they have strong opinions about your family. When you see that partner daily but not your family, it makes it easier to cut the family off for the partners sake.
If you think she could have been in an abusive relationship, try to come to her again honestly and talk to her about things. If she still refuses to be vulnerable with you, I don’t think there is much you can do for her.
I don’t think it’s right for her to stay with you without even an apology about the past. The offender doesn’t get to decide something is in the past, that’s the victim’s right. So if you aren’t over it it isn’t over. But NTA.
She was 24 - it’s possible that she was in an abusive relationship given that text. Often times this happens in cults as well. She was an impressionable age and while you were wronged, I think it’s worth seeing if you can leave the door open to repairing things.
She’s obviously at this point a stranger so letting her move in immediately would be unwise. She may not be able to articulate or may have not processed all the happened to her yet. I’d be patient.