'AITA for refusing to host my soon-to-be SIL's brother over the wedding weekend?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for telling my soon-to-be SIL that I don't want to host her brother over the wedding weekend?"

So, I (42f) have been asked to host part of my brother's( "Brian" (38M) fiancée's family for their upcoming wedding next weekend. We'll call the fiancee "Diane" - she's 39F. They've been together almost 5 years.

First of all, my brother isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. He has fallen for lie after lie (and still doesn't really see the lies) and years of her fake persona and manipulative behavior. For example, she lied that she couldn't get pregnant in the beginning - literally said her uterus has been removed (then why are you having a period, psycho?!)

They now have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Still, these were "miracle pregnancies." 🤦‍♀️ She told him him they were ectopic tube pregnancies. Apparently my bro cannot use Google, nor does he believe countless family and friends who told him this was impossible to give birth from an ectopic pregnancy.

He works a lot and never was able to get to an OB appointment, and even if he did, he likely wouldn't have asked the doc. In the end, he said he loves her and it doesn't matter. Okay dude....fine. We'll be happy for you and our new nephews.

Needless to say, I am (and much of our family) are not fond of Diane. She is a user of the highest order, disposing of people like Kleenex once their usefulness has expired. I've watched her manipulate my parents, my bro, my sister, her own friends and family... it's just been gross when I've had to deal with her at family holiday events, weddings, funerals.... just ew.

Now, they are finally getting married next weekend. They've been planning this for about 6 months as she is a HUGE Halloween fanatic, but doesn't want to share her anniversary with Halloween day. It's not a huge event, about 50 people... mostly our family and some of hers.

Her brother, his wife, and 4 kids cannot afford a hotel. This is something Diane has known about for months, but just asked me last night if they could stay with us since I have the biggest house. This is an unreasonable (and undesirable) situation for me for a multitude of reasons:

1 - I live almost 3 hours away from the venue and the town they will be hosting events such as final dress fittings, rehearsal dinner, bachelor and Bachelorette parties.... that will be a lot of back and forth for them especially since my kids and I (plus my +1) are only invited to the wedding and reception. They couldn't even carpool with us because we aren't attending those events.

2 - Kids under 13 are not invited to the wedding or reception - assuming all the adults (and my teens) will be at the wedding - who's going to watch their kids (1,4,5, and 9) and where will they go during the festivities?

My kids are attending their Uncle's wedding - we're going to support my brother and see our other family members. So, if the plan is to see if I or one my kiddos (17, 16, and 15) will do it, the answer is "No."

3 - I have met these people ONCE in passing. I know nothing about them at all, and if they're anything like their sister, well.... I don't want to. Aside from that, there's the whole "trusting strangers in my home with my kids," as well. Nope.

4 - Why exactly can't they stay with Diane's parents? They have a 3 bedroom home and live alone. Why can't they host their son and grandchildren? (Answer: He and his dad don't get along, and since her dad is the only decent person in her family that I have met and liked, that's a red flag for me.)

I told Diane and my brother that I really am not comfortable with this, and the response was "Please? It's family!" Ughhhh. My boyfriend (weird to say bf at my age 😅) said he would stay with us all weekend if I was uncomfortable having them there alone, and would help out since I will also be expected to properly host which means cooking for everyone, etc.

That's great, and would help with the "uncomfortable" part, for sure. But even still, aside from the trust issues I have, I am primarily worried about where their kids will be during everything. The response was "We're still figuring that out." After that, I double downed on the "No " since I have visions of them saying the 9 year old could babysit 1,4, and 5 year old at my house.

My family is 50/50 on me being an AH about it, and Diane's family (except her parents) also think I'm being an AH since it is "just one weekend" and I usually host all the holidays and such. They say I am being a snob about it, and I'm out of touch because I cannot appreciate their financial struggles. Jfc - up until a decade ago, I was exactly in their shoes monetarily.

I don't care thst they don't have Bezos money. I care that they are strangers, someone in my house will likely be expected to babysit and miss the ceremony or be expected to babysit all weekend while their parents are out partying, and the fact that there is family tension between them and their parents is giving me anxiety about what I can expect from my potential guests. AITA?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Briscogun said:

Trust your gut, even if it means YTA. You will be left holdoing the bag and picking up the pieces in the end, I guarantee it. That's why she's telling you "we'll figure it out" or whatever. She has no intention of figuring it out, just shoving them off on you and letting YOU figure it out. Trust your gut.

Ok_Stable7501 said:

Firm no or you’ll end up babysitting. And driving them back and forth. And god knows what else. NTA.

McflyThrowaway01 said:

NTA. Tell Phantom Uterus that either she accepts and respects your decision or you are cancelling the party. Also id make sure she doesn't just have them dropped off at your house.

And hazelnuddy said:

NTA. She's known about this for months. She had plenty of time to make arrangements. This is your home, your safe space. Never allow anyone into it unless you're comfortable with it.

The next day, OP shared this update:

I have been getting bombarded with calls and texts from Diane and my brother - which I ignored until about an hour ago. I calmly asked "What's up?" when I answered. I could hear the panic in her voice as she rushed to berate me for being so cruel while she had ao much else to deal with.

Lady, I work full time, travel for work, have 2 kids playing high school football, have 2 kids who have part-time jobs, and I am a single mom - I don't exactly have an easy schedule and free time myself.

She went on to say that she had been "so sure" that I would be willing to "help" (read: babysit her family that no one else wants around, it seems) that she already promised them they could stay in the pool house.

(Let's be clear the "pool house" has a bathroom, a large living area, and a tiny kitchenette. It's barely the size of a primary bedroom, let alone big enough for 6 people. It's not some extravagant space).

I told her, "Sorry, but that's not my problem. You should have asked first. I also have the kids and I booked at the XYZ hotel because I plan to drink at the wedding, and I'm not driving home after that. How did you plan to get them to my house anyway? Are they renting a car? Who's babysitting?

Why can't your parents take the kids if the issue is with your brother? Why would he bring them if he couldn't afford it anyway? This is something seriously poor planning!"

I fired those questions off at her like bullets out of a gun. She said this was dumped on her, and she was stuck. I said, "So you thought I was the best choice to dump this on to take it off your plate? We aren't exactly close, Diane. Please stop asking me, I'm not going to do this for you. My answer is final. Sorry, not sorry."

We're uninvited to the wedding. 😂😂😂😂 I don't believe my brother will allow that, but if it comes to pass that we don't get to go - good riddance!

Then a week later, OP shared this second update:

So, my STBSIL called me and invited us back to the wedding today (wedding is Saturday).... I could tell it was a very forced action on her part - not an ounce of sincerity in her "apology" nor any mention that she was in the wrong save for "overreacting in the heat of the moment."

I had already spoken to my kiddos about what they wanted to do and their thoughts on it if they were to re-invite us - and they were of the same mindset as me - Screw that. So we made other plans for the weekend. I passed this along to her and she had the audacity to say, "OH well, then you guys can babysit, right?" I literally laughed and told her to eff off.

She started crying and saying that I never gave her a chance, I've always been so mean to her, and she doesn't know what she's ever done to me....blah, blah, blah. I (not so gently) acknowledged that I never gave her the opportunity to pull the wool over my eyes because I am smarter than her, BUT I have watched her quietly manipulate almost everyone in my family in some way or another.

My brother is angry with her because we're not coming, and it was her responsibility to "make it right," and she completely blew it.

To be fair - my bro hasn't communicated to me once personally about the incident, and that kinda pisses me off, too. Like - you couldn't tell me you don't feel the same, and you would like us to come? I've got my dad saying "Of course he wants you guys there. He is so pissed at Diane." Pfffft.... mmmk, Pops.

So, that's all folks - we'll be spending our weekend at the Michigan vs Michigan State football game and tailgating with the best fans in the state! #HAIL #GOBLUE