'AITA for refusing to host my niece and sister at Christmas and sending them to a hotel?'
"AITA for refusing to host my niece and sister at Christmas and sending them to a hotel?"
Between Christmas and New Year, my husband (39M) and I (37M) are hosting about 30 people, including my sister "Gill" (23) and her daughter "Ella" (6), with another ten who came for Christmas dinner.
The dinner was black tie, and my husband and I set up a table in a room adjacent to the dining room for the children which is, in my experience, pretty standard practise as sitting at with the adults and having to adhere to stricter table manners might be a bit overwhelming, especially as they’re all quite young (the youngest is four and the oldest is nine).
When I was explaining how dinner would be arranged, Gill said she wanted Ella to eat with the adults as she didn’t want her by herself. I said I understood her concern, and if she’s worried she could just check on Ella from time to time to make sure she was alright, as the other parents undoubtedly would be doing.
When Gill insisted, I said that while it would be a shame not to have her with us, everyone would understand if Gill wanted to eat with Ella at the children’s table. This seemed to make her particularly frustrated and she accused me of trying to humiliate her, and followed it with: “I didn’t know such a [f-slur] would be so uptight about the rules.”
This was completely out of the blue. Our relationship is nothing out of the ordinary for siblings, if a little distant just because of the age gap. She hasn't ever (in front of me) said that word before either, so I doubt she meant it in a particularly malicious way or would have said it if she wasn't a bit drunk.
While I can sympathise greatly with the worry about her daughter - she is a young mother, after all - I wasn’t going to tolerate that sort of language. She refused to apologise, and said I need to stop treating her like a child and I can’t force her to do anything.
I was already somewhat stressed from hosting and just didn’t want to deal with her anymore, so my husband and I agreed she and Ella should leave after dinner, and we paid for a nearby hotel room.
Gill sent me a text saying how inconvenient it was that she couldn’t stay late because when Ella got tired, she had to leave and get to the hotel. I’ve been rethinking it and do feel like an asshole for not allowing them to stay until morning at least.
Edit: reading the comments, some seem confused about the idea of a Christmas family dinner with children being a black tie event. One misconception is that it was a "family dinner". While family was there, they only made up half of the guests. The other twenty were friends.
Also, the reason why there were children there is because they're all (other than the ten friends who only came for Christmas dinner) staying for a week, and so those who have children brought them with them.
Also, black tie is much less of a "big deal" among my friends and family - it's just a dinner jacket and a bow tie. At university, every dinner was in black tie. It is probably a cultural difference - in the USA I think people tend to be much more laid back when it comes to clothing, so black tie may feel excessive in a way it doesn't in the UK.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA. She doesn't get to throw a tantrum and call you names, not in YOUR house. Maybe she needs to learn some manners and I would've just kicked them to the curb so you did better than I would.
I think she’d have been right at home at the kiddies table seeing as her behaviour is equal to one.
You actually let her stay for dinner. That’s above and beyond right there. You could have just as easily sent her to the hotel and door dashed her some fast food.
YTA for paying for a hotel for her. I would have disinvited her to the event.
NTA. Hosting a large event like a Christmas dinner requires managing many details, including arrangements that cater to both children and adults. Your decision to have a children’s table was practical and considerate of their needs.
While your sister’s desire for her daughter to dine with the adults is understandable, her response to your compromise was inappropriate and disrespectful, especially using a slur in your own home. It’s reasonable to expect an apology for such behavior, and your action to arrange a hotel stay after her refusal was a firm but fair response to uphold respect in your household.
Do not feel like you did anything wrong here. Personally, I would not have paid for the hotel after that. I would have kicked her out on the spot and would not have let her stay for dinner. What you did was above and beyond what she deserved. NTA. In any shape or form.
You're better than me, because that dinner plate would've been SNATCHED before she even got to it. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like she could be dealing with issues bigger than seating arrangements.
However, that definitely doesn't give her the right to disrespect you and I think you handled it very well. You set fair boundaries, and maybe after some reflecting she'll be able to realize she was very much in the wrong. Don't feel guilty for protecting your peace and space!
NTA. Your sister sounds spoiled and childish. She needs to grow up if she wants to be treated like an adult. Her child is 6 yrs old not 1. If she’s concerned about her daughter, she could have taken your offer to sit at the children’s table. Her disrespected you in your own home, what did she think would happen?