'AITA for refusing to include my ex’s spouse in all of our co-parenting communication?'

"AITA for refusing to include my ex’s spouse in all of our co-parenting communication?"

My ex and I share a child together, and communication between us has always been a bit inconsistent. Sometimes he responds promptly, sometimes I get silence for days, and sometimes communication becomes tense for reasons I don’t fully understand. Still, I’ve always kept messages polite, brief, and focused on our child (school info, medical updates, schedule changes, drop-off/pick-up logistics, etc.)

He has been remarried for a few years now, and for the most part I’ve kept things respectful and neutral with his spouse. We aren’t friends, but there’s been no hostility either. I’ve never interfered with the household they run on their time, and I’ve never objected to his spouse being involved in the day-to-day when our child is with them. That’s their home and their routine.

But recently, my ex started insisting (pretty forcefully) that I include his spouse in every single co-parenting message going forward. Not just major decisions or important announcements.

He means everything: reminders, school flyers, quick check-ins, questions about pickups, notes from the doctor, you name it. If I text “Can you confirm tomorrow’s drop-off time?” he wants his spouse copied. If I send an update about a school meeting, same thing.

I told him I’m uncomfortable with that. Co-parenting is between the two legal parents. I don’t have a partner, but even if I did, I wouldn’t pull a third person into our co-parenting communication. If he wants his spouse kept informed, he is perfectly capable of forwarding the information himself. That’s literally his responsibility as a parent.

He keeps saying that excluding his spouse is “disrespectful” and that I’m “ignoring the fact that they’re a team.” He’s accused me of “undermining their household” and “refusing to acknowledge his spouse as a parent figure.” For the record, I have never denied the role they play in our child’s life.

I’ve been nothing but polite and appreciative of anyone who cares about our kid. But appreciation doesn’t mean they automatically become a co-parent with equal standing in legal, medical, and custody-related decision-making.

I also don’t love the idea of opening up all communication to someone who isn’t legally bound to confidentiality or accountability. Co-parenting conversations can sometimes involve sensitive medical info, legal matters, or conflict-resolution. I don’t want a third adult involved in every exchange, especially when that person has no formal role in the custody agreement.

I tried setting a boundary and saying something like: “Communication needs to stay between the legal parents. You’re welcome to share anything with your spouse, but I will continue sending messages directly to you.” I thought that was reasonable. He responded by telling me I’m “creating unnecessary conflict,” “refusing to adjust to a blended-family dynamic,” and “making things harder on everyone.”

He says that if I don’t start including his spouse, I’m the one “failing to co-parent cooperatively.” I honestly feel the opposite, adding more people to the communication chain usually creates more miscommunication, more confusion, and more tension.

So here I am wondering if I’m somehow missing something. Am I being rigid or territorial? Is it unreasonable to expect that communication related to custody, medical care, and scheduling stays between the two actual parents, especially when the custody agreement is literally written that way?

AITA for refusing to include my ex’s spouse in all co-parenting messages, even though they’ve been married for years?

EDIT: A few people asked how OFW works for us and whether I’m messaging him outside the app. We do use Our Family Wizard, and his spouse has a third-party account. She can see the calendar and anything she’s tagged in, but she cannot see every message by default.

For clarity: I ONLY communicate through OFW. When he sends a message including her, I reply directly to him and remove her unless it’s about a simple logistical exchange (pickups, drop-offs, etc.). I don’t send her messages about daily updates, medical info, school issues, or any larger decisions, because she is not a legal parent and our order states communication is between the two parents.

He claims that I’m “not cooperating” because I won’t CC her on every single message. But he can share anything with her on his end if he wants her looped in. I’m not blocking communication, I’m just refusing to turn co-parenting into a group chat.

This is what people had to say to OP:

teresajs said:

NTA. He says you're "creating unnecessary conflict" but the conflict isn't between you and him. Maybe his wife is mad because he isn't communicating with her, or isn't involving her in decisions about your kids.

Thats my bet... His communication with his wife is as poor as it is with you (not replying to you for days). But his communication with his wife is his business, not yours. Stick to your guns. Your Ex needs to be responsible for communicating with his wife.

jrm1102 said:

NTA - its his job to include his spouse, not you.

Tbh he’s probably just being a lazy AH and leaving the parenting to her when the kid/s at his house.

MathNerd61 said:

You should provide screenshots to your attorney. They can advise you.

Weary-Passion5346 said:

I think he would rather fight with you than her.

And AggressivelyPurple said:

Was he a cheater? Cause this smacks of insecure wife insisting he include her in every message because she's worried he'll cheat.