'AITA for refusing to invite my estranged mother to my wedding?'
"AITA for refusing to invite my estranged mother to my wedding?"
I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed I am being harassed by my relatives to forgive my estranged mother just for context: When I was in high school my mom(51f) cheated on my dad(53m) with the father of a guy I was classmates with. It was a small town so the fallout was massive. My parents separated and I stayed with my dad but the bullying at school was relentless.
My mom's side of the family tried to reach out and appeal for her, telling me to forgive her, but I hated them all. The only exception was my grandma and a few cousins. My grandma was the only one on that side who truly understood my pain.
She passed away a little after everything went down, and her funeral was the last time I saw most people from my mom's side. I resented them for not disowning my mom, so I cut almost everyone off except for those few cousins.
Soon after nanna's funeral my dad and I moved to the east coast to live with his brother and his girlfriend, my mum didn't object to that which is like the only good thing she did. Moving away was awesome and helped me start over but that is when I started lying.
At my new high school, I just wanted a clean slate so I told people my mom had passed away. When she would visit for her custody time I would just give her the cold shoulder. I pretended she didn't exist even when she was in the room.
Eventually, the visits got interrupted and less frequent. She tried to come to my high school graduation but I basically told her that if she dared to show up I'd call security on her and I don't wanna see her there.
As soon as I turned 18 and couldn't be forced to see her, I went NC.
I went to college and she tried to visit me on campus once or twice.
The first time was real awkward she snuck in pretending to be my aunt or something which was confusing but when i saw it was her I told the house manager that I don't wanna see her and if she doesn't leave they might as well call campus security on her. Even after this, she tried to visit once again and I didn't even have to deal with that, she didn't even get past the front desk and they just handled it themselves.
I met my girlfriend (now fiancée) in my sophomore year. I told her the same lie that my mom passed away while I was in high school. After one whole year into our relationship I told her the truth about my mom and she kinda accepted it and I am so grateful she did because I was afraid she would be really upset she even told me that she felt happy that I opened up about it to her.
Fast forward to now. I've been doing really well financially, I have a great job and I finally felt stable enough to propose. She said yes. I didn't tell my extended family though because I know the cousins I stayed in touch with give my mom updates against my will, so I was withholding the info.
But I do like my cousins after all and so I decided to visit them last week and it was a total train wreck I wasn't really expecting mom to be present but there she was, I guess my dad or my brother was must have told them about the engagement.
I just freaked out when I saw my mom, like I wasn't prepared to handle that. I just couldn't stay in the room and I walked out and I thought my fiancée was with me but she didn't follow me she was in the room with them for like a minute or two and apparently my mom cried and all that and my cousins and everyone basically tried to corner her into trying to get me to forgive my mom.
She didn't stay there for long and she freaked out as well and came to me and we left immediately. Now those cousins are blowing up my phone saying it's "unfair" that I didn't tell them about the engagement and are pressuring me to invite my mom to the wedding.
They think its "time that I move on". I don't care for my mother. She is a distant memory now, if she showed up at my door tomorrow it would take me a minute to recognize her. I am NOT interested in having a relationship with her.
I don't want her at my wedding, she is a trigger that keeps re-opening old chapters of my life that I long closed. Even if I do decide to get past that it must come from me, I hate feeling I am obligated to just move on and forget about everything. I hate how entitled they all are to demand this from me. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
She didn't just cheat, she set off a chain reaction that desttroyed your childhood and you're allowed to be done with that chapter forever.
Of course, people act like cheating was a one time mistake, but for you it blew up your whole teenage life. You’re allowed to close that door.
Your cousins don't get to decide when you're ready to "move on" from a parent who caused you years of trauma and bullying. Your wedding, your guest list, your peace.
Dude, imagine cheating on on your family and then acting like the victim 10 years later because you weren't invited to a party? the entitlement is actually insane.
No obviously she should have thought about the consequences of the cheating part before doing this selfish move. She is the one who destroy your family, you got bullied because of her. You can forgive her if you can but you can't forget that things right. Is she with that guy still now?
throwRA5O3 (OP)
Thank you, it feels nice to be validated and no that guy got back with his wife a few months after the incident.
NTA. You don’t owe anyone a reunion just because you’re getting married. A wedding isn’t a family healing ceremony, it’s about you and your partner starting your life together. If her presence would turn that day into anxiety and old wounds, that’s reason enough not to invite her.
It would be best to contact a lawyer and have a cease and desist letter sent to her with the understand that if she breaches it, you will get a restraining order against her. I'm saying lawyer because the kind you can print off and send yourself aren't always taken quite so seriously.
Having a lawyer may make her realize she ruined any chance she had. It will also set the precedence that she won't show up at your wedding or try to insert yourself into your children's lives. You need to lay the legal groundwork now to protect yourself and your family.
As far as the cousins are, they are not loving, respecting or supporting you. If they can't have your back, then it's time to distance yourself from them as well. She traumatized your life, and they are turning their support from you to her. That's toxic for you.
I would let them know that because they have shown they can't be trusted to keep your life confidential, you didn't entrust them with the information. They are also not invited to the wedding, so they don't have info to give to your mom.
throwRA5O3 (OP)
Thats not such a bad idea its a shame that this is what it comes down to. I just wished my cousins would have had my back, I always knew they were sympathetic to her but still. I don't really have a large family.
I used to but losing them all just feels so weird, I have desperately tried to make it work with my cousins, It took some time to get used to the fact that they were updating her about my life behind my back but I didn't think they'd go this far.