'AITA for refusing to let my cheating ex wife spend her birthday with me and our kids?'
"AITA for refusing to let my cheating ex wife spend her birthday with me and our kids?"
I (40'sM) was married to Martha (40'sF) for over 16 years. We had two kids together in that time who are now teenagers. Our marriage ended after I learned of Martha's three year emotional affair with a man she was talking to online. This was not the only reason our marriage ended but it explained the problems we'd been having.
Martha and this man never met each other in person and that was mentioned in the hopes I would try to work things out. Yes they said a lot of things and she had developed strong feelings for him but they never met face to face. That was what I heard a lot of. Even without meeting or anything physical it was way too much. She still cheated and treated me awfully.
I couldn't do anything right. She complained I wasn't working hard enough to provide for us and if I passed up on overtime she'd give me hell for it. But she'd also complain I was working too many hours.
Then she complained when I wanted to go out for date nights and accused me of taking away from time we could spend as a family with our kids or wasting money. Yet she complained when we didn't do something together.
Our anniversaries were the worst. For the last two of our marriage she got mad at me for getting her gifts she loved and wanted. She'd say I was trying to show her up or make her feel guilty for not being as good of a wife as I was a husband.
Whenever I spent time with our kids she accused me of trying to poison them against her or win them to my side. At the time I had no idea what she was talking about and I told her. She said kids always have a favorite parent and I was trying to cement myself as theirs.
One day I asked her what she wanted from me because nothing I did was right anymore and she told me I needed to learn when I was wanted and when In wasn't. Because I was acting like a baby who wanted attention when I tried to make a big deal out of date nights.
More than once she called me lazy when I refused to overtime because we had something planned. The kids birthdays and my birthday were days she did not like me being there.
On my birthday the year before our divorce our kids wanted me to take the day off so we could go to this festival that was in town for that day only (at least that month) and I did. But she hated it.
The truth came out when her sister had confronted me over something Martha said and then I went to confront Martha and she was messaging him when I got there. She confessed and showed me everything.
I went through every message and she begged to save our marriage and she apologized for how she'd been treating me. Martha and this man were exchanging I love you's on a daily basis and she was talking to him at night while we were in bed together and I was asleep.
They wrote out very emotionally intense and graphic sexual situations that they imagined being in with each other. We divorced, Martha tried to fight it but I told her I would not stay and now we're a year out from our divorce and Martha has still not let go.
Our kids know about her affair (she confessed to them) and she apologized to them for the way she had treated me which opened their eyes to some things they never witnessed and as a result they don't want a relationship with her but they are still forced to see her one weekend a month. They do not, however, have to see her on her birthday or theirs or for holidays.
Martha's birthday was last weekend and our kids already had their visit done so they didn't see her. She wanted me to agree to a family day with the four of us for it and I refused and when she pushed I told her she needed to find her soul mate (what she called her emotional affair partner) and celebrate with him.
I told her I had nothing to celebrate about her anymore and she broke down and then her sister came for me for being cruel. She told me it was bad enough losing me and how I wouldn't even try but she didn't deserve to lose the kids as she did and my cruelty was wrong when she's still the mother of my children.
I feel like I had a very good reason.
But maybe I was cruel and it's not justified.
AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
She could have very easily planned a birthday day for herself and the kids when it was her time to have them. You do not have to agree to everything she asked. Still your life to control. I wouldn't lose any sleep over it if I were you.
Boring_Past_477 (OP)
That would've made a lot of sense but I suspect she wanted me involved which is why she didn't do that. Or she was hoping the kids would plan something for her.
NTA in any form. She broke the bond of trust with you & your children, maybe it can be restored one day, maybe never. One thing is for sure, you owe her nothing, please stop letting her manipulate you & the kids. She created this void in her life and must learn to live without attention from you, that ship has sailed. Best of luck to you, go create a life that makes you happy.
NTA. She's not just your cheating ex, she's your abusive ex. And she complained about every single thing no matter what you did because she needed you to be the villain in her story, to justify her cheating and all the other BS.
She was the one unleashing cruelty on you for years. Your decision is justified. If your teens didn't want to see her, you did the right thing. Can't you just block her sister at this point? Her Flying Monkey.
Boring_Past_477 (OP)
I have her sister blocked but we live in a small enough town that I will see her out in the world especially when I run errands. So avoiding her entirely isn't likely.
NTA. Martha made her bed (even if she never got around to laying in it with her 'soul mate'), and now she's alone. Actions have consequences, which apparently she and her sister aren't smart enough to realize. If your kids are teenagers, they're old enough to decide if they want to be with their mom. If they don't, too bad for her.