'AITA for refusing to let my daughter’s fiancé stay in our guest room because I use it for my hobby?'
"AITA for refusing to let my daughter’s fiancé stay in our guest room because I use it for my hobby?"
So I (M49) might be in the wrong here, but I honestly don’t think I am, and would love to hear outside perspectives. My daughter (23F) got engaged recently and came to visit us with her fiancé (24M). We live a few states away, so I get that traveling is tiring, but we were happy to host, for the weekend.
Now, I’ve had my guest room set up for my miniature wargaming for the past few years. It’s my space, where I go to decompress after work, and it's honestly the only spot in the house that's fully mine.
My wife has the sunroom, and the rest of the house is kind of communal. I’ve got thousands of dollars of models in there, custom terrain, a 3D printer setup, etc. It’s not just a hobby, it’s an investment, and frankly, a form of art.
Anyway, when they arrived, I had the office couch made up for them, pull-out, memory foam, decent blanket, very clean. My daughter seemed fine with it, but her fiancé kind of made a face and later asked why they couldn’t just sleep in the guest room. I told him plainly it wasn’t available because it’s not a guest room anymore. It’s my studio.
Later that night, my daughter confronted me privately and said I was being selfish and ridiculous and that it’s just for two nights. She said they felt unwelcome and like I was prioritizing plastic figurines over family. I told her that’s not fair, they have a place to sleep. It’s not like I made them sleep on the floor.
Now my wife is giving me the cold shoulder and said I could have just packed it up for a weekend, but again, it’s not like these are toys you throw in a box. Some of them are fragile. Some are half-painted.
I don’t want to spend days reorganizing and then undoing all that work just because they didn’t like the setup. They left a day early, and now I’m getting texts from my daughter about how I chose my hobby over her happiness, which just seems dramatic to me.
I might be the AH because maybe I could’ve moved some stuff around for a few nights, but I really don’t think it’s fair to expect me to dismantle my entire setup just because someone didn’t want to sleep on a perfectly good pull-out. I have a right to my space too, right?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
INFO: Is this hobby/guest room your daughter's former bedroom, repurposed?
LoveAndHappiness75 (OP)
No, it always was a guest room.
INFO: Why do you keep a bed in that room if you don't want anyone to sleep there?
LoveAndHappiness75 (OP)
I have AS so I sometimes need to lay down while working on my figures, and the bed was already there.
INFO: What was your wife's take on this before your daughter arrived; did she suggest you move the stuff? Are there any other rooms in the house that could've been used?
LoveAndHappiness75 (OP)
We didn't talk about it, she considered them sleeping in the room as granted.
lol. I haven’t finished reading yet but “it’s not a hobby, it’s an investment” cracked me up. Yes. It is a hobby. One you put a lot of money into and can rightfully be worried about, but it is not an investment.
By definition, an investment needs to provide some form of profit. Unless you routinely sell these figurines for money, then it is not an investment. (Speculating on what they might be worth some day in the future reminds me of Beanie Babies as investments.)
Edit: now that I finished reading it. My pet peeve of people using the word “investment” to justify expenditures doesn’t really factor into the core AITA issue here. You are entitled to have your own space.
If it was a sizable inconvenience to make room in there then a couch seems reasonable. Especially if it was just for a few nights. Definitely YTA if you had a fully functional king size bed and made them sleep on the couch.
So you made the decision about sleeping arrangements in a house that YOUR WIFE inherited (you said “we” before, it’s not we, she inherited it - not you) without consulting her and made them sleep on a sofa bed on THE FIRST VISIT when you have a room with a KING SIZED BED.
Yeah YTA. You could have moved your models elsewhere if it was that important to you, your wife even used the room more than you so why do you think you have more say on who sleeps there?
The compromise would be to keep their clothes in the office but they could sleep in the guest room. As adults and as my child I would trust that they keep their hands off of your items. Is it that you didn’t trust them not to touch your stuff? If that is the case then it’s a new issue than the sleeping arrangement.
YTA. You made them sleep on a pullout couch when there was a perfectly usable King size bed going unused. My husband is in the middle of painting his first 40k army, so I get it. It can be a lot. But you still need to balance it with your interpersonal connections.
You likely just assured that your daughter will deprioritize spending time with you. Be prepared for the fact that she'll likely spend time with her in-laws over you and your wife on holidays, since you lack the care to make them comfortable. Also be prepared that that fact is going to make your wife resentful of you. I couldn't imagine putting a hobby before my kids being comfortable.
Personally, I think it depends on if you even have a bed in that room. If you have a bed that they can sleep on in there, then you could just ask them to be mindful of your things and only use the room when they go to bed. However, if there’s not a bed in the room, then it’s not like they could’ve slept in there anyway.
Your daughter thinks you chose your hobby over her comfort and, let’s face it, there has never been a comfortable night sleep on a pull-out couch in a common area that anyone can wander through. And that’s exactly what you did. If you want your daughter to visit, make your house a place she wants to visit. You didn’t. YTA.