Bride refuses to let minister father officiate her wedding. 'The irony chokes me.' AITA?
"AITA for refusing to let my father officiate my wedding?"
My father has been a Reverend for 30 years. He and my mother are still married and they have two children - my sister and I. Neither my sister or I have good relationships with my parents.
They weren't downright physically ab*siv, but both of them are definitely narcissists and some things they did left deep psychological scars that I still deal with to this day.
It has always been a running joke for my parents that my dad would perform our wedding ceremonies and Christen our children. This was SOP for my sister's wedding and the birth of her child.
This, however, is not something that I want. I can't have my father preach to me and my husband-to-be about love when he has rarely shown it to me throughout my childhood.
So a few weeks ago, my fiancé and I were having dinner with them and we were discussing our plans for the future. My dad said something along the lines of "I wonder what message I should give at your ceremony" and I shot him down immediately, saying that I did not want him to perform the ceremony.
He got mad and asked me to explain myself, almost like I had told him I had just k*lled someone. I told him that I still wanted him to walk me down the isle, which made him blow up even more. I finally said that he could choose between being my father or being my pastor. That was the end of the conversation and the end of dinner.
Now he's demanding I apologize, because it's his right as my father to perform the ceremony. He's threatening not to pay for my wedding, and he's saying that if he doesn't perform the ceremony, he and my mother won't be attending. I am considering cutting all contact and eloping, but I'm scared that I would miss them when the big day comes. AITA?
Edit: Someone asked me, and we have had this discussion before dinner. It was a part of a larger discussion we had after my sister's wedding, where she said that he had basically forced her into him performing the ceremony, threatening to cut her off and not pay for the wedding. This is his go-to.
2nd Edit (sorry, I am bad at this): I am not planning on asking him to pay for the wedding. My fiancé and I both want a small wedding and have seriously discussed eloping before this happened. So he is down with running away and just letting them know after.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA but don’t take a dime from them. Pay for the wedding you can afford. And if that means eloping at the courthouse so be it.
I was in a similar position but without the complicated relationship. I told my dad I really needed him to be fully present in his father of the bride role and compromised by asking him to say a prayer during the service.
“Knew it would be an emotional day for all of us. Didn’t want the extra burden for him. Wanted to have a pastor that could be unbiased for our premarriage counseling” yada yada. Hopefully yours will come around because it’s totally reasonable to want the dad/pastor role to be separate.
NTA your father is emotionally and financially blackmailing you. If you allow this it will never stop. I know it's hard to cut someone off but keep in mind you won't be the one cutting them off, your father is the one that is drawing a line in the sand.
NTA. He blew up because the fact that he has no authority over you anymore, smacked him right in the face, from what he thinks is out of left field. He wasn’t prepared for it. And now he’s trying to use paying for your wedding to manipulate you into giving him back that authority. Moments like this are where we learn the difference between selfishness and self preservation.
You have to decide what makes your life work. If you let him win this argument, he will likely try it again on you if you have children, and he may try it ON his grandchildren. Only you can decide what is most important to you. I honestly don’t think you can be judged TA whichever way you choose, as long as you’re being true to yourself.
Your father has a right to dick-diddley. Him insisting on you complying is sad and speaks volumes to his need to control everything. EFF apologizing to him: It's not your job to sooth his anger.
You didn't really want money from them, did you? Please tell me you are grown up enough to pay for your own wedding, and not expect anything from them. Get some therapy and learn how to finally cut the apron strings from your parents. You'll be so much happier.
Edit: NTA, unless you expect them to pay for it after telling them you don't need their help officiating.
2nd Edit: How does your fiance feel about eloping? Doesn't *he* deserve his big day, too? Don't alienate your husband-to-be trying to get back at your parents.
Weddings bring out weird things in people…How important is it to you that your dad not preach at your wedding? Enough to do away with a wedding and not have them there when the time comes? Because, per their threat, preaching is so important to them that they’d rather miss their daughter’s wedding than watch someone else officiate.
I don’t know how old you are, but one great thing about being an adult is realizing you’re not obligated to spend time with toxic and abusive people. Yes, it sucks to not be able to be surrounded by a supportive family on your special day, but sometimes that pain is worth protecting your peace and special memories.
Or maybe sitting through your dad’s sermon isn’t so bad as not having them there for you: I don’t know the details of your relationship. For me personally, I wanted the special moments with family on my wedding day and was willing to drop my guard in the hope that they’d understand the weight of the day and behave.
Unfortunately, they didn’t and I look back on my wedding day with hurt and anger at myself for my choices. I knew better, I just hoped I’d be proven wrong. NTA. Protect yourself and your peace - whatever that looks like. I wish you a long and happy life together with your fiance.
NTA, but you need to start planning for him to make good on his word. Obviously, don't rely on him to bankroll the wedding, that's a non-starter. But you need to get ahead of him and seize the narrative with the rest of your family.
If the goal here is to maintain ties with the wider social circles (and it sounds like it is, judging by the fact that you seem to dislike and distrust your parents but still have regular dinner at their place), you need to have an ironclad narrative that positions you as the beleaguered daughter and him as the unreasonable party.
"You can be my pastor or my father but not both" is a good starting point imo, but maybe rephrase it so it sounds less like an ultimatum from an outsiders view. Or invent something new. The point is to get a story that will make anybody who hears it go "Oh so he's throwing a tantrum."
After that you can either get mad and say fine, don't come then, or you can announce that the invitation to walk you down the aisle remains open, and deny him the opportunity to play the scorned father. Option 1 ensures peace at your wedding. Option 2 gives you leverage in the relationship long past the wedding.