Stepmom called 'wicked' for banning stepdaughter who stole her underwear. AITA?
"AITA for refusing to let my husband’s daughter move in with us because she has a history of stealing from me?"
I already know this is going to sound harsh, but I really need some perspective. I (37F) have been married to my husband Mark (45M) for almost five years. He has a daughter, Emily (17F), from a previous relationship. I have no children of my own, though I always wanted them, and Emily lives with her mom across the state.
Let’s just say Emily and I have never gotten along. I’ve tried truly but from day one, she made it clear she didn’t want anything to do with me. She’s polite around her dad but cold toward me. I accepted that, gave her space, and tried not to take it personally.
Then about two years ago, things escalated. She came to stay with us for a week during summer break. During that time: My wedding ring went missing. We later found it in her backpack.
We had a bottle of prescription anxiety meds disappear. Turns out she was using them “to help her sleep.” My expensive makeup, skincare, and even underwear (!!) mysteriously vanished.
When I confronted her gently (and yes, I mean gently), she flat-out denied everything and sobbed to Mark that I was accusing her because “she’s not really my kid.” He took her side.
He claimed she was “acting out” due to divorce trauma and that I should be more understanding. After that visit, I told him: I am setting a hard boundary. I don’t want her unsupervised in our home.
Now fast forward to last week. Emily’s mom is apparently moving to another country with her new husband, and Emily doesn’t want to go. She asked if she could move in with us full-time for her last year of high school.
I said no.
I know that makes me sound heartless. But I told Mark I wasn’t comfortable having someone under my roof who has stolen from me, disrespected me, and clearly doesn’t like me. I said I’d support him finding a solution, even renting a small place nearby if he wanted to live with her there, but I won’t share my space with her.
Mark was silent for hours. Then he told me he was “disappointed,” that I “never truly accepted her,” and that I was “punishing a teenager for mistakes she made at fifteen.”
Now he’s been sleeping on the couch and barely speaking to me. His sister even messaged me and called me a “wicked stepmother.” I don’t think I’m wrong for protecting my peace and my space, but now that everyone is calling me the villain, I’m second-guessing.
So… AITA for refusing to let my husband’s daughter move in with us?
EDIT (NOT UPDATE): Hey, so I've been seeing some comments telling me to do an ETA, so here it is. Here are some points:
The house is mine. No, I did not pursue a father. I found out he had a kid a couple months after the marriage (crazy, I know.) No, she never apologized or acknowledged her behaviour. Most of my items I've never gotten back, and I've never one gotten an apology.
I’ll try to update as soon as possible. Thank you so much to everyone who's been kind, supportive, and generous with advice! I forgot to add that I did suggest therapy but they both refused.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Stealing prescription meds and a wedding ring isn't just "acting out." Your husband is the one who let this fester by not dealing with it two years ago. Now he's mad at you for the consequences of his own inaction. NTA.
NTA. My husband had a niece who stayed with us a summer at 14. She stole, or tried to steal (found in her bags) quite a bit of my belongings. I refused to have her back. Eventually, I was brow beat into letting her come back..."she was a child"..."she's changed"...."she was acting out" (sound familiar?).
Guess what happened when she visited at 25? MORE items went missing, including money from my purse. Again, her uncle found them in her bags. When you raise a thief, it does not change without PARENTING and consequences, neither of which appear in your husband's repertoire. This will probably kill your marriage, so you need to decide. Disrespectful thief or marriage. Your call. Good luck.
NTA. Your husband and his ex are terrible parents. She was stealing and ABUSING drugs and they did nothing about it. Honestly, the police and CPS should have been involved.
NTA. Wanting to feel safe and respected in your own home isn’t cruel it’s basic. You didn’t say Emily was unwelcome because of teenage moodiness or a personality clash. You said no because she stole from you, violated your privacy, and then weaponized your concern against you. Those aren’t small things.
I actually think your response was remarkably fair. You didn’t ask Mark to cut off his daughter. You offered alternative living solutions and maintained your boundary. That’s not heartless that’s emotionally mature.
It’s heartbreaking that her mom is leaving the country, but that doesn’t erase the harm she caused or the fact that she’s never taken accountability. You’re allowed to protect your peace. Hopefully, Mark realizes that it’s possible to support his daughter and support his wife’s right to feel safe in her own home.
How did your dumb husband explain your meds and ring in her backpack then? NTA and if your loser of a parent husband wants to blow up your marriage over it then that’s his prerogative, when that brat is living with you full time her stealing will likely be the least of your problems.
Mediocre-Assist3643 (OP)
She claimed to have bipolar disorder, which I am not sure if I believe because I've never seen any actual documents proving that statement. But she claimed to have bipolar disorder, which caused her to steal my stuff.
I think the solution would be that if she wants to live here. You move your stuff out. But if it is your house...Mark has to go. I would say to be polite. You could trial hidden cameras and a weekend visit to see how she behaves towards you.
On the condition she doesn't know the hidden cameras are there. I would take your most valuable stuff...items you don't want going missing...jewelery, clothes, makeup and keep them in your car or at another house. Then I'd buy basic underwear etc. Cheap foundation etc.
And see. Just see. Set her up to fail again. But let him know the deal breakers are rudeness, stealing and you being treated like a slave. You will not be cooking or cleaning up after her.