'AITA for refusing to let my mother-in-law hold my baby after she told my husband to get a paternity test?' NEWEST UPDATE
"AITA for refusing to let my mother-in-law hold my baby after she told my husband to get a paternity test?"
I (28F) gave birth to my first child, a beautiful baby girl, three weeks ago. My husband (30M) and I have been over the moon, but his mother has been causing nonstop drama. She never liked me.
From the start, she made snide comments about how I “trapped” her son, even though we’ve been happily married for four years. When I got pregnant, she constantly joked about how the baby might not be his.
I brushed it off as her usual passive-aggressive behavior—until I found out she took it way further. Two days after I gave birth, my husband got a text from his mom saying, "You should get a DNA test. You never know these days."
I was devastated when I saw it. My husband was furious and told her off, saying he had zero doubts about me and that her comment was disgusting. She tried to backtrack, saying she was “just looking out for him.”
Now she wants to come over and meet the baby. But I told my husband that she will not be holding our daughter. If she wants to question whether my child is even her grandchild, then she doesn’t get the privilege of bonding with her.
My husband understands why I’m upset, but he thinks we should let her come “just once” so she doesn’t play the victim with the rest of the family. Now she’s crying to everyone, saying I’m “keeping her granddaughter from her” and that I’m punishing her over a “harmless question.”
Some family members think I’m being dramatic and should “be the bigger person.” But why should I let someone who disrespected me and my child hold her like nothing happened? AITA for refusing to let her hold my baby?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
NTA she’ll find ways to play victim even if you’ve not done anything wrong so might as well set your boundaries.
Also just to add to that: that’s not a “harmless question” at all. She’s indirectly accusing you of cheating and asking her son not to trust you. Unless she has extremely VALID reasons, which she doesn’t in this case, that’s just so disrespectful.
If it’s such a harmless question, make a big deal of asking him to get a dna test to see who is father is.
"How about we do get a DNA test done. We let everyone know we are doing this because she feels it is necessary so she is sure our baby is yours. We also let everyone know, when it comes back as yours, your mom will be permanently banned from seeing our child or me. Or, at least, until your mom provides a DNA test proving you are your dad's son. This is me being the bigger person."
Commercial_East302 (OP)
Haha! That’s a genius idea. If she’s so concerned about proving family ties, let’s take it all the way!
For one, it wasn't a "harmless question" if a person was harmed by it.
I wouldn't be allowing her near the child because at some stage she will gather enough genetic material to do a "quiet DNA test to make sure.. nothing harmful there dear."
Let her play the victim but the moment any family member comments, point out that she has already expressed doubt that the child is in fact her grand child so what's the problem?
NTA.
NTA. Just tell everyone “I don’t know why she’s upset. She told
to get a dna test because she doesn’t even think our child is his. I don’t know why she would want to meet a baby who she doesn’t think is related to her.”
She wants to come visit so she can get a DNA sample and do her own test. Keep that b-word out of your house. NTA.
NTA, tell her she is correct, you are withholding your baby and tell the rest of the family that contacts you on her behalf exactly what she said. Offer to send them the screen shot of her text saying that to him. It will have a date / time stamp showing exactly when she said that.
Let the truth be told and see what happens! If you don’t out her publicly, she will get away with it and continue more stuff. If you out her ever time she does these things she will get away bad reputation and no one will believe her.
I mean tell her you would hate for her to bond with a baby that she didn't think was her grandchild and so once she pays for a DNA test then maybe you would allow it (get husband on board with never agreeing to a test) after all you are just looking out for her.
NTA. The baby is literally half of you. If she hates you so much then how can she have any love for your child. And what she did was not a little thing. People have divorced over accusations like that.
Why do you have to "be the bigger person" for someone who has no respect for you or your family? What about when your kid is older? What are you going to do when she says stuff like that to your child? Because I can promise you she will. Why would she stop when their are no consequences to her actions.
NTA. She disrespected you. If you don't respect the parent you don't get to see the child. That seems to be a generally accepted rule. This is not using the kid as a pawn.
NTA - I hate the "be the bigger person" trope. You can tell everyone that your MIL claimed that this was not her son's child, so why does she think she's the grandmother?
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
Well, I wish I could say things got better, but MIL made sure that didn’t happen. After my husband told her off, I thought she’d at least try to apologize—but instead, she doubled down.
She started calling my husband, telling him I was "turning him against his own mother" and that I was "overreacting to a simple question." She even pulled the classic victim act, crying to the rest of the family about how I was "keeping her grandbaby from her."
Then, things took a ridiculous turn. I found out from my SIL that MIL was actually trying to get a DNA test done behind our backs. Apparently, she was hoping to get a strand of my baby’s hair or some spit to "confirm the truth." When my SIL told me, I was absolutely done.
I told my husband that until she apologizes—not a fake “I’m sorry you’re mad” apology, but a real one—she is not welcome around me or my daughter. Thankfully, my husband backed me up 100%. He told his mother that if she can’t respect his wife and child, then she doesn’t deserve to be part of our lives.
MIL lost it. She went full drama mode, telling everyone I was "tearing the family apart" and that she "might never recover from this heartbreak." At this point, I don't even care.
She disrespected me, she disrespected my marriage, and she disrespected my child. Actions have consequences. So yeah, MIL still hasn't met the baby. And unless she does some serious apologizing and self-reflection, she won’t be anytime soon. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Tell her you want a DNA test on your husband as you don't think his father is the real father. She must be projecting from her own whoring days.
Win stupid games, get stupid prizes. She fafo. Glad hubby is behind you 100%.
Updateme!
NTA. This woman just dove off the deep end!! I am so glad that your husband is being supportive. Your MIL doesn’t deserve to be within 100 miles of your daughter.
Updateme!
I’m so very sorry. How F’ed up is this? Not only an apology- Mom also needs a full psychiatric work up.
NTA She’s the one tearing the family apart with her toxic behavior, not you. Stand your ground. Your husband’s backing you, and that’s what matters. She needs a serious reality check.
Six days later, the OP returned with an update.
Well, I wish I could say things got better, but nope. My MIL has somehow managed to make things worse. After I refused to let her hold my baby, she went on a full-blown smear campaign against me.
She told extended family that I was "controlling" and "keeping her granddaughter away out of spite." She conveniently left out the part where she accused me of cheating and demanded a DNA test.
The worst part? My husband is starting to waver. He still thinks what she said was disgusting, but now that some relatives are siding with her and saying I’m being “too harsh,” now he’s wondering if we should just “let her see the baby once and move on.”
I told him point-blank: “She questioned our child’s paternity. She disrespected me, and by extension, you and our daughter. If we let this slide, what’s next?” Now he’s torn.
I can tell he wants to back me up, but he also doesn’t want to be the bad guy in his family’s eyes. I don’t care about being the villain in MIL’s story, but I do care about my husband having my back.
So now I’m wondering—am I fighting a losing battle here? Is this the hill I should die on? Because right now, it feels like MIL is winning by playing the victim, and I’m the one being treated like the unreasonable one.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's second update:
Y'all need to tell your side of the story to the family. Don't let MIL be the only voice saying anything. Hell, send your first post to the family. Let MIL's lies or omissions catch up to her. If they still complain, they don't need to be family.
Agreed. If MIL isn't put in her place & keeps playing her fake victim card then it's never going to end until MIL completely destroys a family & by extension to those around them.
This is a hill you die on. Have your husband read this too. MIL accused you of cheating on your husband.....she doesn't get to meet the baby she genuinely doesn't believe is her grandchild. MIL is engaging in a smear campaign lying to everyone to get them on her side......she doesn't get to learn that the worse she behaves works to get her what she wants.
Your husband needs to tell everyone the truth. He needs to not care if anyone believes him. His mother trained him to be a people pleaser and worry more about her than anyone else. He may need therapy to help him navigate this.
A therapist will teach him strategies on how to deal with his mother and all the feelings that come up because of her antics as well as shore up his confidence. He lacks confidence from years and years of abuse from his mom.