'AITA for refusing to let my mother visit her grandchildren after she chose my sister over me?'
"AITA for refusing to let my mother visit her grandchildren after she chose my sister over me?"
Alternative-Rest3831
Background information first I’ll keep it brief, my sister is pregnant and I have two children who are basically ignored by my sister, she has never met them. I love my mum very much and she had always been problematic in her actions but until this point I had no problem with her seeing my kids.
My eldest son has a shunt, basically it takes the fluid from around his brain and takes it to his stomach. If his shunt gets damaged for any reason it would cause serious issues. He recently became very ill, and his doctors thought there could be an issue with it so I had to take him to the hospital. I was there for about a week.
During this time I asked my mother to check in on my youngest son who was being looked after by my husband and to spend some time with him. She initially said she would and then called me the day she was meant to visit and said she couldn’t do it. She didn’t visit my son in the hospital either even though I said she could.
I later find out she was with my sister via instagram and they were both out baby shopping. I was very upset with her that she couldn’t help me out at a time like this or check in on her own grandchild who was probably very confused about what was going on.
It’s been a few weeks since and my mum has asked if she can come see the children. I was still pretty angry and I told her I was surprised she didn’t have more shopping to do. I told her how much I had depended on her to help out while my eldest was sick and that I was disappointed she hadn’t bothered.
I told her no. That if she couldn’t be counted upon to be there when my kids needed her then I wasn’t interested in having her around them. I think I might have overreacted and might be projecting previous feelings towards my mother and sister into this situation. AITA for this?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Ok-Horror-1049
NTA. WTF? Helping you out when you have one child in the hospital and specifically asked for a little help trumps going baby shopping any day of the week. Why couldn't they have gone shopping the next day? Who does that???😡
Alternative-Rest3831 (OP)
My mother apparently, I was giving her a second chance too after a previous thing she had done.
extinct_diplodocus
I N F O: The timeline doesn't add up. You were away for a week, but Mother was absent "the day of". How about the rest of the week? Did she miss one day, or did she skip the entire week? ETA after reply:
NTA. She cancelled a firm commitment. That something one does only for an emergency. It wasn't an emergency. It was because she found something "better": shopping with your sister. That's both a social faux-pas and a really misplaced priority.
If she considers something trivial more important than seeing her grandson, then you're better off cutting her off now. Your younger son will be spared the many disappointments of her cancelling future confirmed visits at the last minute.
Alternative-Rest3831 (OP)
She skipped the one day. I didn’t ask her for the rest of the week cos she’d let me down on the day sorry 🙈 I always type quickly as my thoughts are racing and always leave things out.
SliceEquivalent825
NTA call it what it is, you are punishing your mom and rightfully so. She hurt you, so you hurt her. You also know you can never depend on her. Anyone would be pissed at that, your mom is selfish and I don't think it is the first time either.
dragonwillow75
NTA. I have similar grievances with my inlaws, and it's no less infuriating to see someone else going through a very similar issue. Your reaction is 1000% appropriate. I'm honestly angry for you.
For us, my daughter at the time had to go into the NICU after she was born due to breathing issues. It took a week for them to take us to see her (my partner and I were living together with the inlaws and we didn't have a car).
angelicak92
Sounds like her favourite kid is finally having a baby so essentially you're no longer needed. Baby shoppjng could happen at any time of the day, she made a choice and that choice has consequences. Honestly the fact that it took her WEEKS to contact you after your kid was in hospital for a week and she had bailed shows you exactly where you sit on her priority list. NTA.
Fancy_Introduction60
OP, NTA. I have 5 grandkids, if one of my kids asked me to visit, I would be there in a heartbeat! I'm gobsmacked that she chose shopping over spending time with your child! Ps, hope the little one with the shunt is doing much better!
agg288
NTA. Some of these commenters have normal parents and it shows. I had a mom like yours OP -- my big regret is letting my kids get attached to someone who would always fail to prioritize them.
KuriGohan0204
NTA. While I was having my first miscarriage and needed to go to the hospital, we called my MIL and asked if she could come stay with our daughter. She said she couldn’t because my SIL was hosting a poker game at her house and she’d promised to help her clean up and get ready for it. She was really surprised when this changed our relationship permanently.
Historical-Hall-2246
What you’re holding out for from your mom will never come. You’re trying to get her to care by creating low barrier high success opportunities for her to show up but she still fails to. You’re trying to make yourself feel better about how awful she really is.
Take her for who she is. Stop reaching out. If she really wants to be involved, you wouldn’t be going at such lengths. Your son has a serious medical condition that requires his parents to remain levelheaded and available at all times. Don’t waste any more of your time on your mom. You don’t want your kids to grow up and feel the same neglect you did anyway.