'AITA for refusing to let my son be ring bearer in my ex’s wedding to his affair partner?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for refusing to let my son be the ring bearer at my ex-husband’s wedding to the guy he cheated on me with?"

I (30F) was married to my ex-husband, Art (31M), for eight years. We had what I thought was a picture-perfect marriage and share a wonderful 6 year old son, Jayce. However, everything fell apart when I discovered Art had been having an affair for a year with Ray (28M), the younger brother of his best friend, Nick.

Ray had grown up in a different country, so none of us had really met him until New Year’s Eve five years ago. That was apparently the night they hit it off. A year later, I found messages on Art’s laptop text after text, full of romance and explicit photos. When I confronted him, he didn’t even try to deny it. He just paled and said, “I guess we need a divorce.” No apology, no attempt to fix things, nothing.

Our divorce was finalized a year later, and we now share custody of Jayce. Since then, I’ve had to watch Art and Ray not only stay together but also integrate into our tight-knit friend group and family. It’s been brutal, but I’ve done my best to keep things civil for the sake of my son.

Fast forward to last month February at one of our occasional brunches with our friends and Art’s parents. Art and Ray announced their engagement. Most people were excited, but a few gave me awkward looks, probably wondering how I was feeling. Then, as they started discussing wedding plans, Ray casually said he wanted Jayce to be their ring bearer.

I didn’t even think before I reacted. I just blurted out, “Hell no.” The whole table went silent. Then, years’ worth of bottled-up emotions just spilled out of me. I snapped, “I will not have my son be the ring bearer at your wedding, Ray.” And then I stormed out.

One of my friends followed me, but the rest just sat there, stunned. Since then, I’ve been getting messages saying I shouldn’t have “caused a scene” over something “so trivial” and that I should apologize to Ray. Now that I’ve had some time to cool down, I’m wondering if I overreacted. Was I the @$$hole?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

AnIntrovertedPanda said:

NTA. If anyone should be apologizing, it should be coming from Ray ans your ex. They should have discussed it with you so you wouldn't be blindsided. It really sounds like this was done on purpose to cause drama.

Your friends suck. You did not overreact or anything. You don't owe anyone anything. The friends that defend your ex should be tossed away. Make some new supportive friends who will care about your feelings.

Cute_Instruction733 said:

NTA It was tasteless of them to bring this up with others present. Ray should have kept his place. Respectful distance from you and let Art take it up. Just the two of you. Ray has no say over your son. However keeping your no a no might be by an @$$holish move since your son might really want to do this.

Ask your son if he wants to. Reach out to Ray and Art and establish a clear boundary: anything concerning your son goes between you and Art. If Ray wants to be involved Art always needs to consult you and there will be no appolgies from you side. You will reconsider your no if Ray heartfully appolgizes for his tactlessness and will accept his place in this arrangement.

DangerNoodle1993 said:

No, Hell No. You are not the AH in the slightest. Ray can go to the lowest rungs of hell with your idiot ex. I suggest cutting off or at least limiting communication with some of your friends who are morally compromised

OP responded:

Thank you for the advice. I'm planning to talk to Art about their plans with Jayce, as for Ray no matter how tactless his casual comment is I will be sending him an apology text tonight (I'm not sure if I can talk to him one on one without my emotions bursting).

And thequiethunter said:

NTA. Ray clearly stepped into and caused severe damage to your relationship. Adultery is a consent violation. That is on the husband. Ray clearly understood that Art was cheating. That is also a consent violation. They have no right to expect any civil discourse or courtesies.

She later shared this update:

Thank you for the thoughtful advice in the replies. Some of these points I had already taken time to consider over the past few days before posting, but I just needed a second opinion :)

1 I’ve reached out to Art, and we’re planning to sort out the ring bearer situation, as well as have an important discussion about what happened in the past on Monday.

2 I haven't sent a text message yet to Ray to apologize about the situation and nothing else(I'm assuming Art is gonna bring him on Monday anyways so might as well discuss it live)

3 Forgot to add: I knew Art was bi back in our university days, but as far as I know, he hasn’t been in a relationship with a man.

4 usually join these occasional brunches because they’ve become a tradition with friends and family, even before Art and I were married.

5 And yes, I might need to rethink some of my friendships.

She later shared this second update:

A semi update I guess: I had a chance to talk to Jayce about the ring bearer situation and wanted to get to know his feelings on this before I met Art and Ray: (and tried to explain me and his dad's situation as much as I can as metaphorically as I can and as he can understand)

Told my son that sometimes stories take unexpected turn like when a knight thinks he’s going to fight a dragon but ends up befriending it instead. Explained that Daddy and I thought our story would go one way, but his heart led him to Mama Ballerina (Jayce calls Ray this since he's a ballerina) instead. My son then said, “So they’re like the knight and the dragon who decided to be best friends forever?”

Then I told him Daddy and Mama Ballerina are getting married and want him to be the ring bearer. His eyes lit up: “Like a real knight carrying magic rings?!” And now he insists on wearing a knight costume. (Well suffice to say he wants in and hopefully I've relayed the situation to him in a way a kid would understand)

She then shared this third and final update:

Again Thank you everyone for your advice. Instead of Monday we decided to move our meet up just today as there are a lot of stuff going on at work on Monday for all of us (and we want to get this over with). So here's how it went:

Met up with my ex (Art) and the man he cheated on me with (Ray) to clear the air after last month, when I snapped at Ray for suggesting Jayce be their ring bearer. I apologized to Ray for snapping. He just nodded and said he "probably shouldn’t have sprung it on me like that." No real emotion, no real concern. Not that I expected any tbh.

Art took the opportunity to apologize for hurting me not just the situation last month, saying that in finding the love of his life, he had to hurt me. I just nodded. Nothing left to say there.

Ray, looking completely uninterested in being there, said their wedding is in Italy and they’d understand if I didn’t want Jayce to go. I told them my brother can take him (I'm not planning to go I'm not that masochistic). Art looked relieved. Ray barely reacted.

The rest was small talk. Art tried to keep things light, talking about Jayce and how he and Ray plan to take him to an amusement park after watching one of Ray’s ballet performances. Ray spent most of the time stirring his coffee and looking like he couldn’t wait to leave.

The conversation went as I thought it would Art (trying to be jovial) and Ray (Looking like he'd rather face an asteroid to his face rather than be there). Suffice to say what's done is done I'm considering looking for a psychologist or a support group and keeping more in touch with the friends I have separate from Art's and I's circle. I think I'm gonna be okay, hopefully 🙏