'AITA for refusing to let my roommate’s boyfriend live with us after he 'tested' me?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for refusing to let my roommate’s boyfriend live with us after he 'tested' me?"
WholesomeArio
I (19F) live with my roommate, let’s call her “Ashley” (20F), in a small two-bedroom apartment. We’ve been friends since high school and decided to split rent when we both started college. Things were fine at first, but then she started dating “Jake” (22M).
At first, he was over just a couple of nights a week, which I didn’t mind. But over the past few months, he’s basically moved in—eating our food, using our stuff, and not contributing a single dime to rent or bills.
I finally had enough and told Ashley that Jake either needed to start paying his share or stop practically living here. She apologized and said she’d talk to him. I thought that was the end of it.
Fast forward to last week. I was getting ready to head out to a late-night study group when Jake cornered me in the kitchen. He told me he wanted to “test” me to see if I’d be a good person to live with full-time.
I was confused and asked what he meant. He said that if I wanted him to pay rent, I had to prove I was “roommate material” by showing I could handle sharing the space with someone like him.
He then gave me a list of rules he’d want me to follow if he officially moved in—things like doing “my share” of the cooking (even though I already make my own meals), not bringing any guys over (I’m single, but why is that even relevant?), and being “respectful of his gaming time” by keeping the Wi-Fi free during his streams.
I laughed in his face and told him there was no way he was moving in. He got pissed and told Ashley I was being unreasonable. She confronted me and said Jake was just “testing the waters” and that I should’ve been more open to the idea.
She accused me of being jealous because I’m single and suggested I was trying to sabotage their relationship. Now she’s saying if I can’t “be supportive,” then maybe she should get a new roommate—one who “respects her relationship.”
I think this is completely insane, but Ashley and a couple of her friends are siding with Jake. They’re calling me selfish and controlling. AITA for refusing to let him move in after his ridiculous “test”?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
No_Cod3515
NTA. Jake's behavior is a major red flag. His "test" shows controlling tendencies and lack of respect for boundaries. The apartment is yours and Ashley's - he has no right to set rules or "test" you. His demands about cooking, visitors, and Wi-Fi usage are completely inappropriate.
Your original request was reasonable - either he pays rent or stops living there rent-free. Most leases have guest policies limiting overnight stays. Ashley is being manipulated here. Jake moved in without permission, uses resources without contributing, and now tries to establish dominance by setting rules in an apartment where he doesn't even pay rent.
Stand firm on your boundaries. Document everything. Check your lease about guest policies. Consider talking to your landlord if this continues. Remember - you signed a lease with Ashley, not Jake. His attempt to "test" you is just a power play to establish control over your shared living space.
WholesomeArio (OP)
thank you for the advice. I will start to document everything from now on! Any other advice I should do as well?
IvyCeltress
If you don't already have one, put a lock on your bedroom door.
gorillaboy75
So, he thinks he can come in as third wheel and start making demands and stupid rules? Sounds like he's not the "roommate material." Tell ashley that if he's paying one third, that doesn't mean he gets priority. How dare he make demands when he's an equal partner in expenses! Especially for gaming for crying out loud.
Past-Minimum-7632
NTA. Go to your landlord and explain the situation if Jake continues to live there. He will be forced to pay rent or leave. Also, remove your name from any utilities. If you pay for the wifi, change the password and they can buy their own wifi.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
WholesomeArio
Hi everyone, it’s been a wild ride since my original post, and I wanted to give an update because a lot has happened. First off, I want to thank everyone who commented…it helped me see things in a completely new light.
Honestly, I didn’t even realize how much I was being gaslighted by Jake and Ashley until I read some of your insights. I thought they were my friends, but now I see how manipulative and toxic their behavior really is.
Maybe I just hated the thought of not having any friends but who needs enemies with these kind of friends… ngl it still breaks my heart to realize this and I cried a lot. But that doesn’t change anything haha I don’t know why I’m saying this it’s just been a really emotional days please forgive my rant.
Since our confrontation, Jake has gone full victim mode. He’s been telling mutual friends that I’m trying to "ruin his life" and "kick him out of his girlfriend’s apartment." (Let me remind you: this man doesn’t pay rent or contribute to any bills, so calling it "his girlfriend’s apartment" is already laughable.)
He’s been painting me as some controlling, jealous monster who can’t handle his “straightforward personality.” Meanwhile, Ashley is eating it up and defending him, saying I’m overreacting and “causing unnecessary drama.”
What’s worse is that I’ve started noticing just how much control Jake has over Ashley. She’s completely bought into his narrative and is now acting like I’m the enemy. For example, she told me last night that my “attitude” is making it hard for them to feel comfortable in their own home. THEIR home.
This apartment is 50% mine, but suddenly,I’m being treated like an unwelcome GUEST. I’ve decided I’ve had enough. I’ve already documented everything. his constant presence, his freeloading, and now his smear campaign… I’m reaching out to my landlord this week. Most leases have clauses about long-term guests, and Jake has definitely overstayed his.
As for Ashley, I don’t know if there’s any saving our friendship. I’m heartbroken because I thought she cared about me, but now I realize she’s supporting Jake’s abusive behavior.
Thank you to everyone who opened my eyes to what was really happening. I’ll post another update once I’ve spoken to my landlord and taken further action. For now, I’m just trying to reclaim my space.. and my peace of mind.
Also I really want to thank you for just… caring and being there. This is what I needed to hear and you all were honest and fair with me. I am very grateful for the support I got that I couldn’t get anywhere else. So thank you 🙏
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
curiousjosh
Good for you on standing up for yourself. FYI… a 22m should almost be graduating college, not freeloading off a 19f girlfriend, demanding no one uses internet during his “gaming time” This guy’s a walking red flag.
WholesomeArio (OP)
and he’s not even a good player (haha I m joking I have no idea but he gets angry all the time and screams at his screen and throws stuff across the room)
CummingInTheNile
This isnt just an abuser, this is an advanced abuser.
peter095837
Advanced abusers know how to really get into the controlling of the victim. It's quite scary to think they are out there.
Testing someone is basically the abuser method to get control. It's a massive walking red effing flag if someone tests you in a relationship. Good for OP not taking any of this nonsense.
beckstermcw
Ashley picked a guy over you. Get out. She’s going to eventually realize who he really is, but that’s going to be her problem.
9 days later OP came back with this "final update":
Hi everyone! I wanted to come back with a final update now that everything has been resolved. It’s been a whirlwind, but I can finally say that I’m in a much better place—and I’m so grateful to everyone who supported me along the way.
After my last update, I contacted the landlord and explained the situation. Turns out, Jake had violated the guest policy in our lease by staying over so often. The landlord was understanding and firm: Jake couldn’t stay overnight anymore, and if Ashley wanted to add him to the lease, we’d need to renegotiate everything, including his share of the rent and utilities.
When I shared this with Ashley, she was furious at first. She accused me of trying to sabotage her relationship and even said I was acting “petty.” But as the reality of the situation set in, something shifted. I think for the first time, she saw how much Jake’s presence had disrupted our lives—and how much it had hurt me. To my surprise, Ashley apologized.
She admitted that she had been blinded by her feelings for Jake and hadn’t considered how unfair her actions were. She said she needed to reevaluate things with him and asked for some space to think.
Over the next week, Jake stopped coming over. Ashley and I had a long, heartfelt conversation, and for the first time in weeks, it felt like I was talking to my old friend again. She admitted that Jake’s controlling behavior wasn’t sitting right with her anymore and that she felt like she’d been losing herself trying to please him.
And here’s the best part: Ashley broke up with Jake. She realized he was manipulative and toxic, not just to me but to her as well. She thanked me for standing my ground and helping her see the situation clearly.
We’re still working on rebuilding our friendship, but things feel so much lighter now that he’s out of the picture. The apartment is peaceful again, and I’ve even started redecorating to make the space feel more like home. Ashley and I are taking things one day at a time, but we’ve both agreed to prioritize communication and respect moving forward.
I know not every story ends this way, but I’m so grateful mine did. Thank you to everyone who encouraged me to stand up for myself—it made all the difference. Without you I would be living in hell now. PS: I kept the lock though.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
It's wonderful that your friendship with Ashley has been salvaged, and that you're both committed to building a healthier and more respectful living environment. Enjoy your peaceful apartment and redecorated space! :))
And that friendship saved Ashley from a relationship with a dark future. OP took a stand for themselves and didn't go quietly.
I'm so happy for u! It's amazing how things can turn around. U handled the situation with grace and strength. Wishing u and Ashley all the best!