'AITA for refusing to let my sister use my wedding venue after she didn't come to my engagement party?'
"AITA for refusing to let my sister use my wedding venue after she didn't come to my engagement party?"
So this happened last week and my family's been blowing up my phone since. I (28F) got engaged in August and had a small engagement party at my parents' house in September. My sister "Maya" (25F) didn't show up.
She texted me the morning of saying she "wasn't feeling it" and that engagement parties were "kind of extra anyway." I was hurt but didn't make a big deal about it because that's just how Maya is....she's flaky and thinks anything traditional is performative.
Fast forward to now. I'm getting married next June at this gorgeous vineyard venue that I booked over a year ago. It was NOT cheap and I had to put down a huge deposit. The venue only does like 15 weddings a year so it's pretty exclusive.
Maya got engaged two weeks ago (sudden, they've been dating 7 months) and she called me yesterday asking if she could "borrow" my venue for her wedding in April. She said it would "save her so much stress" and that since we're sisters, the venue coordinator would probably give her a discount if I vouched for her.
I said no. She got upset and said I was being petty about the engagement party. I told her that's not even the main issue, I don't want my wedding venue to be "our" wedding venue. I want it to feel special and mine, not like we're sharing. Plus she literally called engagement parties extra and now she wants to have her wedding at the same place as mine???
She started crying and said I'm making her wedding planning harder for no reason. My mom called me later saying I'm being selfish and that "it's just a venue" and Maya's younger so she needs more help. My dad hasn't said anything but I can tell he thinks I should just let it go.
My fiancé says it's my choice but honestly even he seemed surprised I said no. Now I'm wondering if I'm being weirdly possessive over a building. But also like...it's MY wedding venue that I specifically chose and paid for? And she didn't even come to my engagement party? AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA, living in the shadow of the babied golden child sucks. Stand firm in your decision, your boundaries are valid.
Round_Patient_3419 (OP)
Adding this ...the venue isn't some chain or hotel, it's a family-owned vineyard with a specific aesthetic that I fell in love with. I literally drove 3 hours to tour it.
And yes, Maya could book a different date there if she wanted, but she specifically asked if I'd "help her get it" for April because she doesn't want to wait. She also mentioned she'd probably use some of the same decor ideas I showed her which...yeah, that's part of why I said no.
You should call the venue and let them know that she is trouble, in case she tries to book it herself.
Ok, well it is a venue and you cannot stop her from booking the same venue in April. You however have no obligation to help her book it, and if they are that exclusive, they may not even have an opening.
It is however a little tacky that she wants to use your same venue, and before your wedding no less, and it IS really crass that she wants to use your same decor. Your mom says that she is young and needs more help? Then tell your mom to help her. You have your own wedding to plan.
Sounds like you're the family scapegoat, and you need to grow a backbone and put in some boundaries with your whole family. I say this because your husband to be was shocked that you said no. That tells me you're kind of spineless when it comes to your family.
Congratulations on growing a spine.Now.It's just time to hold that spine in place and put those boundaries down so that they no longer feel the need to suck everything good out of your life.
NTA, but she really doesn't have to ask your permission to use the same venue on a different date (as you stated). Sounds like she just wants to use you to save some $$$ and get an early time. She's definitely wanting to ride your coat tails on this. Stand firm.
Wait.. she's younger and needs more help but she's mature enough to become a wife??? Someone make this make sense. No, she cannot hijack your wedding venue. She can go out and get a different one since traditional weddings are "kind of extra".
And tell your Mom to butt out or she can stay home. Someone needs to stop enabling little sis and it starts now. That's why Fiance is surprised. Because no one has apparently said no to this selfish little snot.
I love how you're all of a sudden selfish because you refuse to cater to little sis. Someone has a problem processing the word "no" and it's not you. And that's what little sis needs to wake up to: No is a complete sentence.
Family helping family has nothing to do with it. You don't give up something you worked for and paid for because little sis thinks she's entitled. And no, you're not being selfish. I think you need to rethink your drink on toxic family members and who gets the pleasure of an invitation to your wedding.
So you got engaged, your sister had her little hissy fit, then rushed into an engagement herself and now wants to marry two months before you (talk about rushed) AND wants to use the same venue.
No one can convince me she is not extremely and deeply jealous of you and that she is not the golden child. Don't vouch for her, in fact tell the venue the opposite but ask for discretion, also make sure all your vendors are password protected. If she is old/mature enough to get married and be a wife she needs no extra help. NTA.
You don't own the venue I take it? Then Maya can use it if she can book it and pay for it like any other bride. I don't see how a venue that exclusive would care if you "vouch" for her or not. Tell Maya you don't have any pull with a venue you don't own and she will need to book it and pay for it like you did.
I assume you'd feel the same way whether she attended your engagement party or not, so conflating that issue with the venue issue is muddying the waters. Also, if she can't manage to book a venue, she is not at ALL prepared to be married.