Father stands firm against ex-wife’s request to hide her affair from their children. AITA?
"AITA for refusing to lie to my kids for my ex?"
Sorry-Produce8656
My ex (31f) and I (30m) have two kids together (10 and 9). Our marriage ended when I learned she was cheating on me. The guy she was cheating with is now her husband.
They had been "together" since before our first child was even conceived and when I learned this I paid for a DNA test to make sure our children were mine. They're mine biologically.
That was confirmed. And once that was confirmed and we had attended 3 co-parenting classes we were shared physical and legal custody. This means the children spend 50% of the time at both mine and my ex's house.
In June of this year my kids told me that their grandmother (ex's mom) had told them that their mom and her husband are cheaters and broke up our family and that's why they (their mom and her husband) hate me.
I didn't lie to the kids and say it wasn't true. But I did talk to them and assured them they didn't need to hate anyone on my behalf and I told them it didn't have to change things.
But it has. The kids have brought it up to my ex repeatedly since they learned this and they call my ex's husband mean now. The kids didn't have the greatest relationship with him before this but now they don't want to spend time with him and they say he's really mean.
My ex was furious with her mom when she realized what her mom had done. She had blamed me for telling them beforehand (though not to my face). Now they she knows what happened she has been telling me to lie and say they never cheated and they met after we broke up.
I refused and she said I'm a failure as a parent, I'm hurting our kids, ruining their family and that I should love our kids more than I hate her and make sure they can love and respect her again.
I said I won't lie and that I have already talked to our kids and I refuse to cover for her. She has fired more and more accusations of me mistreating our kids.
AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
charmer143
NTA. You didn't tell the kids yourself, and you did make it clear that you don't want them to hate your ex and his husband because of it. But kids aren't dumb just because they're young. They can form their own opinions and determine what's right or what's wrong for themselves.
Your ex just has to accept that her actions have consequences and that you won't be doing her any favors by covering up something she did (which was her betraying you and ruining your marriage, by the way).
SDstartingOut
NTA; let's face it, the kids are 10 & 9, not 3 & 4. I'm pretty sure at this point, they would be old enough to realize "dad's lying to us at this point". Your ex's mother let the cat out of the bag; you only confirmed to the truth to your children. You are 100% not an asshole, and your ex is an asshole for thinking you can undo it.
Ok-Acanthaceae5744
Honestly looking at how the kids worded things:
"grandmother (ex's mom) had told them that their mom and her husband are cheaters and broke up our family and that's why they (their mom and her husband) hate me"
It makes me think that this wasn't just Grandma casually interfering to hurt her daughter and make her look bad. It looks like ex and her new husband were either intentionally trying to poison OP's relationship with their children, or simply just talking bad about OP.
Grandma was trying to put a stop to it. Because the revelation appears to stem from on conversation on why their Mom and her new husband apparently hate their Dad.
SultrySecrets69
NTA!!! Never lie to your kids for anyone. Keep Some thruts from them for which they are too young but never ever lie. It is a bond of trust for life or misstrust for life…
fiestafan73
Your ex wife sure is projecting. She’s guilty of everything she accused you of. Frankly her problem should be with her mother. You did the right thing by not dragging your kids into her mess and assuring them they don’t need to hate anyone on your behalf. The cat is out of the bag, and you attempting to lie to them now is only going to make them distrust you too. NTA.
angry-always80
Nta here is the thing about secrets they always come out. Your kids respect and trust you enough to not lie to them. If you do your ex’s bidding and lie the kids will realize they can’t trust either parent. Your kids need therapy. Not to make them reconcile with mom but to let them talk through their feelings.
In a short amount of time they lost the family they had, had a new person become part of their life, and now found out their mom is the reason their world got turned upside down. Tell your ex instead of doubling down on the lie, which won’t work, try putting in the effort and time to rebuild trust with her children.
Having-hope3594
NTA because your kids would figure out sooner or later that you’re lying if you do what your ex wants. You did not make that revelation, their grandmother did. But your kids need to know they have a parent they can trust to tell them the truth. Also, if you don’t make a big issue of it, the drama may die down.
TaisharMalkier69
Lol.... Didn't your ex love her affair partner more than her kids? Isn't that why she broke up their family? Isn't she the reason they are children of divorce? Isn't that why they have a broken sense of what parents are? NTA. But keep all communication in text. Do not call or talk without a lawyer present.