'AITA for refusing to make amends after my ex best friend reached out to me?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to make amends after my ex best friend reached out to me?"
The other night I got an Insta message confused I thought it might have been a mistake. Turns out it was my ex best friend from high school. Someone I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years. She was hoping to meet up and talk about catching up.
Hannah, we went to kindergarten together and we’re friends on and off throughout our school years. Our moms were friends which made it easier. I thought she was my person.
At least until the summer before senior year, and my mom got sick. She got real sick and passed away from it pretty quickly. Entering Senior year I was in a very dark place. Hannah, was my rock her and my other friends at the time.
I was starting to feel better about myself and when prom rolled around. I asked if we could go as friends. It felt right and things were really starting to feel OK again. Until she ditched me at prom. I guess her and a couple of our other friends had agreed to a slumber party without me. I felt so embarrassed. No goodbye. No sorry we left you at the prom by yourself.
It was even worse when I had to call my older sister to give me a ride home. I mean, I can still see her disappointment. Even worse, the principal walked me to the car because I had asked him to check if my friends had left prom.
When I ask Hannah for an explanation at school, all she could say was she was tired.” You’ve become toxic with your sadness.”” Every day you cry and whine about missing her.”” I loved your mom too, but you make it so hard to be around you.” Honestly, I couldn’t breathe after that. How does a Kid respond to that?
I ended high school with no friends and it wasn’t made easier that she never told her mom. Graduation day, Hannah’s mom gave me flowers and thanked me for being her daughter’s friend.
I told her the truth about prom and walked away before I began to cry. I left those things behind me and now she has the audacity almost 10 years later to try to patch things up. I can’t.
At least I don’t think I can. We spent so much of my childhood being together that I just don’t know. She looks like she’s done well for herself. So maybe she’s changed but I was really hurt and I don’t think I recovered from it. This turned into a really long vent post, sorry :)
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
NTA. Doesn't sound like the message was an apology. Unless the message was a complete apology showing self reflection and with no obligation on you to give her closure.... Don't open the door to your heart. She'll hurt you again.
Sea_Needleworker161 (OP)
It was a short hello. A Gif from Friends of Joey saying “How you doin” and would I be up to meet up for lunch to talk? You can see now why this surprised me out of nowhere.
NTA. she abandoned u when u needed her most and said cruel stuff that stuck w u for years. u don’t owe her closure or a reunion. if reconnecting hurts more than it helps, u have every right to keep that door closed.
Six days later, the OP returned with an update.
I made a post about a week ago regarding an old best friend(Hannah) trying to make contact with me. We were close growing up in school together but after losing my mom at 17 we had issues.
I was apparently too much to deal with because my grief was toxic and I would cry too much for anything. The post was removed but I was hoping to still give an update since people had given feedback on how to approach the situation.
Hannah messaged me Friday again, asking if we can meet up at the local mall food court on Saturday since we used to hang out there all the time. I thought, I had to go to the mall on the weekend anyways to pick up a order I might as well hear her out.
Of all the hypothetical scenarios that my anxiety and stress had popped into my head, I didn’t expect her to actually be there. Worst of all with Christi. Another one of my friends from school that was cold to me after my mom’s passing. I hesitated to even approach the table once I saw them together. They were older, which makes sense. It’s been years since high school and we were all adults.
I gave myself a hypothetical 30 minutes. Only 30 minutes, and I never have to see their faces again. I approached the table. We sat down and talked. Hannah talked and she talked a lot.
Apparently, our old high school teacher, who ran the club that we were all in together wanted to do a reunion with us. She apparently couldn’t get in contact with all of us and was curious if Hannah wouldn’t mind getting my info.
Christi mentioned that I was the only one that she couldn’t get in contact with.” That’s it.” I anticipated some kind of catharsis to come, but all I felt was rage.” What else is there?” I broke.
I mentioned what happened after my mom. I mentioned how lonely I felt after being ignored and called annoying for grieving. I mentioned how it took me so long to trust again after the people, I considered friends just left me.
That I would come home to an empty house after school instead of my mom cooking dinner or talking to me. Both Hannah and Christi were quiet while I stood there at the point of tears. I can’t even remember standing up. I felt childish crying but seriously!?
You send me a message wanting to meet up to talk to make amends. Just to tell me that you’re only doing this because a random teacher who we sat in a classroom with for 30 minutes every Friday told you. I composed myself. I wasn’t about to have a mental breakdown in the middle of a damn food court.”
I needed you then and I don’t need this now.” Hannah shut down I could tell my words had done something to her. Christi just got mad. She reprimanded Hannah and said that there was no point in finding me and this proved it. Christi chalked up everything that happened in school to kids being kids. That it was past.
“ Ok.” Grabbing my things lightly excuse myself and left. I cried once I made it back to my car. They have changed, but it’s clear that they haven’t changed how they felt about how they treated me.
Never once did they say sorry. They clearly expected me to just get over it. Again, sorry for the long post but I hope putting this out there will give me the clarity I needed. Thank you, for listening.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
Sounds like you’re better off without them. I hope you have an amazing support system now. I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending internet hugs.
What was the point of setting up a meeting? That whole thing could’ve been in a message.
People's willingness to forget their own failures will always astound me. Thats the kind of nightmare that would keep me up at night.
Honestly, sounds like just kids. she didn't abandon her, she stayed close for a year of grieving, that gets hard. I had a similar tough year like that, and it was terrible for my girlfriend. She'd be have these really complex feelings that she couldn't even express to me, who was supposed to be her person.
Her dad that left when she was a kid was trying to work things out. She got into the 3rd school on her list, which she was happy about, but also sad because her family laughed at her inability to get into a top 10 school. And then a bunch of other little highs and little lows that she just couldn't talk to me about.
People always point out the grief circle, which is good to keep in mind, but it has the unintended effect of blotting out anyone else's grief. If you are that first layer, you can get worn down.