'AITA for refusing to meet my bio mom after I signed up for a DNA testing site?' UPDATED

"AITA for refusing to meet my biological mum after in person I signed up for a DNA testing site?"

I'm a 24M who was adopted when I was 6 years old. I’ve always felt incredibly lucky because my adoptive parents, who were in their late 20s when they took me in, have been nothing short of amazing. They’ve loved and supported me as if I were their own flesh and blood, and I’ve never felt like anything was missing in my life because of being adopted.

Growing up, I had very minimal details about my adoption. I know that I was removed from my biological family by social services due to neglect and abuse, but I don’t remember anything about my life before I was adopted. It’s not something I’ve dwelled on much because I’ve never felt like I needed those missing pieces to feel complete or valued.

Recently, out of simple curiosity, I decided to sign up for one of those at-home DNA testing kits. I wasn’t looking for a reunion or any deep connection; I just wanted to know more about my genetic history, like why I was removed from my biological family, and if there were any medical issues I should be aware of.

Honestly, I didn’t expect to find anyone closely related to me, so it felt like a low-stakes way to get some answers. About eight weeks after sending off the kit, I finally remembered to check the results, and to my surprise, I matched with my biological mother ("BM").

She had sent me a message saying she was overjoyed that I had done the test and that she desperately wanted to reconnect with me and the rest of my biological family. She mentioned that she’s thought of me every day, that I was always loved, and even that I have a biological little brother who is very excited to meet me—something I didn’t even know.

Her message was really emotional and, to be honest, overwhelming. To me, she’s a complete stranger, and reading those words didn’t stir anything in me other than discomfort. I spent a lot of time crafting a thoughtful response to BM, explaining that while I appreciated her message, I wasn’t interested in forming a relationship with her or any of my biological family.

I made it clear that my reason for doing the DNA test was purely informational—I wanted to understand my past, maybe get some medical history, and learn why I was removed, but that was it. I apologized if my actions gave her the wrong impression.

BM read my message and replied, saying that she’d be willing to give me all the information I wanted, but only if I agreed to meet her at a cafe to discuss our relationship further. I refused, telling her that I wasn’t comfortable with a face-to-face meeting. I offered a phone call as a compromise but emphasized that I just wanted the information and then for both of us to move on with our lives.

She outright refused to provide any information unless I agreed to meet with her in person and discuss our relationship. I talked to my best friend about this, and she sided with BM, saying that I was being unfair. She argued that by signing up for the DNA site, I had essentially opened the door to this kind of situation and that refusing to meet with BM now is like playing mind games and leading them on.

So, AITA for not wanting a relationship with my biological mum after I signed up for the DNA testing site?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Queen_of_Meh1987 said:

NTA. She's holding your info hostage to get you to meet with her, which is her being TA. You were removed for a reason, and she probably wants to fill you with her version. Since you know her name, can you contact the agency that removed you to request the information?

rosyred-fathead said:

She sounds like a pushy lady. I wouldn’t agree to meet her. And she already told her son he’d be meeting you??

And baka-tari said:

NTA. As an adoptee, you have good reason to need information about your genetic background, so it makes sense to do genetic testing. Getting the testing done carries no implication of wanting to meet your bio family, however.

You were removed from her care as a young child. In her selfish behavior now, you can see echoes of who she was then. Her unwillingness to provide info you could benefit from, graciously and without demanding quid pro quo, is a solid indicator that she’s still someone you shouldn’t be around.

Nine days later, she shared this first update:

Hey, everyone. It’s been about 9 days since I last posted, and I thought it was time for an update. I really want to thank everyone who took the time to comment and offer advice. I’ve read through everything, and it’s been both helpful and eye-opening.

So, after all the advice and some serious thinking, I decided to talk to my biological mum again, hoping that maybe if I explained myself better, she’d understand where I was coming from. Unfortunately, things went downhill fast. Instead of trying to meet me halfway, she just got more manipulative, insisting that I was being selfish for not wanting to meet her in person.

She refused to give me any information unless I agreed to her terms, which was a hard no from me. I’ve come to realise that I was pretty naive to think that my biological family might be decent people after everything. I mean, I was removed from their care for a reason, but I guess a part of me wanted to believe that people can change.

Looking back, I feel kind of dumb for even starting this whole journey. It’s brought up a lot of emotions that I wasn’t really prepared to deal with, and to be honest, I’m feeling pretty down about the whole situation.

And as for my best friend… well, that’s another disappointment. She didn’t just side with my biological mum initially—she’s been unsupportive throughout this whole mess. Even after I told her about the latest conversation, she couldn’t really understand why I was so upset.

She kept saying that I should just “give them a chance” and “not be so harsh.” It’s like she doesn’t get how hard this is for me, and I’m starting to feel like she never really did. It’s tough because I’ve always considered her one of my closest friends, but right now, I’m not sure she’s someone I can rely on.

After all this, I decided to sit down with my adoptive parents and talk everything over with them. I hadn’t really opened up to them about how deep this was affecting me, but they were amazing, as always. They were upset when they heard how my biological mum was acting, and they reassured me that none of this is my fault.

They reminded me that there’s a reason I was removed from that situation, and it’s not on me to fix it or make things right with people who’ve clearly not changed. Talking with them made me realise just how lucky I am to have them.

They’ve been there for me every step of the way, and they made it clear that whatever happens, they’re my real family—the ones who’ve loved and supported me no matter what. It’s hard not to feel down after everything that’s happened, but having them in my corner makes it a bit easier to cope.

Honestly, I regret even starting this whole DNA journey. It’s brought up more pain than I expected, and I can’t help but wish I’d just left the past where it belongs. But at the same time, I’m grateful that it’s reminded me of how blessed I am to have my adoptive parents. They’re the ones who’ve always been there for me, and I couldn’t ask for a better family.

So, that’s where I’m at. I’m going to focus on the people who truly care about me and let go of the rest. It’s not easy, but I know I’m on the right path. Thanks again to everyone who reached out—it’s really helped me feel less alone in all this. Take care, everyone.

She then shared this second update:

Hey everyone, I’ve been thinking a lot about my family today, especially after everything that’s been going on lately. It got me reminiscing about some of the best moments I’ve had with them, and there’s one memory that stands out—something from when I was still a kid that I’ll never forget.

I must have been about 8 years old, just a couple of years after I was adopted. It was around Christmas time, and I remember feeling nervous because it was only my second Christmas with my adoptive parents. Holidays always make me feel weird, even now. Anyway, my dad's friend owned a Christmas tree farm and that year, my mum and dad decided to take me to pick our Christmas tree.

We spent what felt like hours walking through rows and rows of trees. My parents kept asking me which one I liked best, and I remember feeling so much pressure, like I had to pick the absolute best one or else I’d ruin Christmas. But they were so patient, letting me take my time.

Finally, I pointed out a tree—honestly, it looked like every other one to me, but my parents made a huge deal out of it. My dad knelt down to start sawing, and I remember him pretending to struggle, saying, “Oh no, I think this tree might be too strong for me!” My dad made me come over and help me, saying he couldn't do it alone.

So, there I was, this little 8YO, pretending to help my dad saw down this tree. Of course, I wasn’t actually doing anything, but they made me feel like I was the strongest kid in the world. When the tree finally fell, my dad swept me up in his arms and spun me around, saying, “We did it!”

After we got home and set up the tree, my mum brought out these old boxes full of ornaments. She told me that we were going to start a new tradition—every year, we’d each pick out one new ornament to add to the tree, something that represented something special from that year.

That night, they handed me my very first ornament—a little wooden bear holding a heart with the word “Family” carved into it. My mum said, “This one’s for you, because you made our family complete.” I remember holding that ornament, feeling this huge wave of love and belonging that I’d never really felt before.

At the time, I don't think it even hit me how impactful that was. How that moment defines the way I look at myself today. I was part of a loving family. I was their family.

Every Christmas after that, we’d pull out that little wooden bear and hang it up first. It became our tradition. The reason I’ve been thinking about this memory today is because it’s a reminder of how lucky I am to have the parents I do. They didn’t just give me a home—they gave me a sense of belonging and they gave me love.

Even with everything that’s been going on, I know that I’ve got something really special, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share this. I just needed to remind myself how amazing my family is, and I hope it brings a smile to your face like it does to mine.