'AITA for refusing to meet my mom’s fiancé after she lied about her affair?'

"AITA for refusing to meet my mom’s fiancé after she lied about her affair?"

My mom divorced my dad last year after over 30 years of marriage. During the divorce, my dad accused her of cheating, and she denied it, saying she was just done. I defended her to him, insisting he accept that she was unhappy, which put a strain on my relationship with him.

A month later, she told me she was going on a date. I was genuinely happy for her and supportive from a distance..I even said hello to this new guy over FT. Over the next two months, it escalated quickly. Casual dating turned into trips, meeting his family, and planning a trip next year. Then it hit me.

My mom had been having an affair long before leaving my dad. The man she was seeing had been married and left his wife for her. When I initially confronted her about the affair, she denied it, saying they only knew each other and talked now and then. I had to press her repeatedly before she admitted the truth.

After she apologized that slowly turned into her framing it as me needing to forgive her, telling me how unhappy she had been in the marriage, how she had been such a good mom, and that I could not understand what she had been through. That emotional manipulation, being forced to justify her actions while feeling guilty for questioning her, was even harder to process than the affair itself.

I have been living abroad for and have not seen my mom throughout any of this (we talk though) One year later and they are now engaged, and she expects me to meet her fiancé, actively embrace him, and attend the wedding. I want her to be happy, but my boundaries around this are firm.

AITA for refusing to give my mom the active approval and participation she wants, even though I support her happiness from a distance?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

lapsteelguitar said:

"You used me to lie to my father. Of all the shit you pulled, that cannot be forgiven. I will not be attending your wedding." Then make plans to be elsewhere. NTA.

New_Seesaw_2373 said:

I hope you apologized to your dad and are trying to improve your relationship with him.

OP responded:

Oh I absolutely did! My dad and I are good. I should’ve included that in my post.

dobbykenobi said:

NTA Your mother made her choices on what she wanted her current family to be, and you are allowed to do the same, and if that doesn’t include her fiancé, that’s fine!

The_Ghost_Reborn said:

NTA. I would tell my mother "you betrayed my father and your marriage, and now you're in a relationship with your accomplice. You lied to me because the truth is so shameful. I am disgusted that you are my mother. Don't contact me again."

JTBlakeinNYC said:

NTA. You don’t need to forgive her or have a relationship with her (or her affair partner). I (54F) don’t know anyone who has maintained a relationship with a cheating parent, regardless of how old we were at the time of the affair, and that includes friends now in their 70s.

We didn’t attend their weddings, didn’t invite them to ours, didn’t let them meet our children, and have zero regrets about never reconciling with them. Assuming the parents live in a nation where divorce is legal, there is no excuse to justify their behavior. A parent who cheats on their spouse is betraying their children as well.

And Comfortable-Focus123 said:

NTA - As someone who is divorced, this hits home. If things are not going well in your marriage, either do counseling or file for divorce before starting an affair. As OP's mom is finding out, your loved ones will be affected greatly, and that will affect your relationship with them. Someone told me once to never leave your marriage for someone else, leave it for yourself.

OP later shared this update:

I have apologized to my dad, I felt HORRIBLE and right when I felt intuitively something was off I called him. Sorry I should’ve included that in the post..I want to add, My dad today is thriving..he’s still sad at times but he became one of those glow up after breakup types. Back into shape, full of life, truly..he has had a hot girl summer for those wondering! Lol

I wanted to say thank you to everyone for the feedback. I’ve thought hard about whether I might be overlooking something, whether it was pride or if the situation was smaller than how it felt. I’m not meeting the guy nor attending the wedding. Thanks again, take care.