'AITA for refusing to move across the country after my husband's aunt died?'
"AITA for refusing to move across the country after my husband's aunt died?"
My [36F] husband's [37F] very close aunt [51F] recently died after a year-long battle with a horrible disease. His parents [76M & 72F] are devastated — the aunt was my MIL's much younger sister, who was more like a daughter to both her and my FIL.
My husband didn't necessarily see her as a sister—he has an older sister [40F] who he is much closer to than he was his aunt, who had a lot of problems with alcoholism and emotional instability—but he acknowledges that his parents feel that way and feels IMMENSE guilt for not being in closer contact with her over the past few years.
He has some resentment of me as well, since his aunt and I never got along (for lack of character count: she was not nice to me and he acknowledged this previously.) He has implied some blame on my part for the wedge between them.
In the wake of this devastating loss, is parents and sister want us to move back to their area, which is directly across the country from where we live. My husband is also wracked with guilt for not having been there during his aunt's final months (other than a few visits on weekends), so he is inclined to do what his family asks.
I am opposed to this move for a few reasons:
My husband's job is here. He is in a specialized field and it wouldn't be easy to find a new job, especially in a different state. Meanwhile, I am a stay-at-home mom of our daughter (7F). If my husband quits his job, we'll have zero income.
We have robust savings that could get us through ~6 months, but using them to upend our life seems potentially irresponsible. Part of why I'm still a SAHM is because our daughter has social-emotional struggles. She's suspected ADHD, with a diagnosed panic disorder.
She has finally settled into a nice routine at school and at home. I'm very concerned that a sudden major move, ripping her away from her known routine, friends, and safe places will set us back months in her progress.
His family is obviously devastated, but they don't have an acute "need" for help that we could provide. They want the comfort of their son nearby, which I sympathize with, but I don't think it's a good enough reason to, again, upend our life. I've always heard you shouldn't make big changes during the first year of grief.
My rejection of this idea has really upset my husband, and he's barely speaking to me right now. He's been withdrawn and cold. And at the same time, my SIL sent me a harsh text message, ripping me apart for being so selfish in the face of their overwhelming grief.
She says my parents have gotten enough time with us (they live in the same city we do now), and it's my husband's side of the family's "turn." But my reasons for not wanting to move across the country have nothing to do with my extended family; it's for my nuclear family's stability. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
yago1980
NTA—this does not even make sense. Adults do not drop their lives, uproot kids from school, or quit their jobs in emotional times, especially during tragedies. Death is a natural part of life, and we will all have to deal with it. Though no one will handle it stellarly, guilt and pain are the worst relocation advisers I can think off.
Aggravating-Pain9249
Ideally, after a tragedy, as sudden loss, a divorce, do not make major decisions for a year if you can help it. The person, in this case OP's husband, needs to process the loss but also how moving will affect his family. Keep to the normal routine, and give OP's husband space to process his grief.
NTA and OP should tell husband that they can revisit this decision in a year, but they shouldn't make rash decisions. My own personal take, is that the child seems to be doing well right now. Some kids are resilient but not all. A big change affects children.
Having-hope3594
NTA this seems a knee-jerk reaction born out of grief and guilt. The best thing for your daughter is stability. It seems your in-laws are wanting to use your husband as sort of a replacement for his aunt.
lostrandomdude
I agree that it is a bit of a knee-jerk reaction. I'm thinking that due to the parents' advanced age and the fact OP and her husband live on the opposite side of the country (I'm assuming USA), they don't see each other regularly or maybe just a couple of times a year.
And OP's husband probably holds a sense of guilt that he wasn't there when his aunt passed away, and OP's in laws want their children closer in case another suddenly passes away.
Remarkable_Duck_2714
NTA. Advocate for your daughter. My condolences to your husband's family but life is for the living. Your husband priority should be his daughter not his parents or his sister. It's in your daughter's best interest to stay where you are. Full stop. She's the priority.
UnhelpfulCounselor
NTA. If they want their son closer, they can move to where you are. It's not like they have a job or school that is tying them down.
_wanna_be_anemone
NTA but you need to start looking for a job. Now. Your husband is blaming you for his distance (physical and emotional) with his family. His family are blaming you. This may just be grief, this may be something more. For your daughter’s sake, you need to establish some stability, now. Plan ahead for what you’ll do if he declares it’s his way, or divorce.