"AITA for refusing to move?"
My (f42) husband (m44) and I have been married for 21 years. We have two adult children (m22 and m24), one is in college out of state and the other is in the navy. When we first got married, my husband was in navy, and we spent the first 10 years of our marriage moving from place to place, wherever his new duty station was.
I found it hard to make friends, and I could not keep a job, so I made a difficult decision and decided to be a SAHM. When he got out of the navy eleven years ago, he took a job and we moved. Three years in, he got offered a job in another part of the company, however, it was in another state, so we moved again. We stayed there for six years. I went back to college and got my degree and began looking for work.
I found a job I liked in my field, and six months into working, he said he was offered a job with a new company and wanted to take it, but that would mean we would be moving almost 2,000 miles from where we were in a new state. I reluctantly agreed because the new state would have more job opportunities for me and we would be closer to our family, which is something that we have not had in many years.
Last night my husband came up to me and said that there was a job opening in his company and he wanted to apply for it. It would mean a pay raise and better hours, but the caveat would be that we have to move again. We have been living in our new state for three years. I love it here. I have an amazing job and I am making great money. I finally have friends and am able to socialize.
I told him that I am not moving again. Any time we have to move, he always leaves first and I end up being responsible for selling/packing the house, and I am not doing that again. Our sons college is only 2 hours from here, we can see him twice a month. If we move, that means we would have at least a days drive and would only be able to do that once or twice a year!
Now my husband is upset with me and guilt tripping me because he claims I do not support him. I told him that was BS because I spent most of my life moving from place to place to support his career.
He told me that I am selfish and he is just trying to provide for us. I told him that we are more than comfortable where we are now, and that if he truly wants to take the job, he will be going alone. AITA for refusing to move again?
What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:
shak1071 said:
NTA - you gave yourself already the answer. You supported HIS career for 21 years, you gave everything up for HIM, your social Life, your Family, even postponed your education. And now, everything is settled, your doin finaly fine too - he accuses you of not supporting him. He should start supporting you for a bit. You did your part, now its your time to shine!
poochonmom said:
NTA! Your husband should be discussing each move with you and it should be a combined decision especially now that you have a job. His job and offer does not automatically have preference over yours. Did he ever discuss a move with you after he left the Navy? Or was it always "we are doing this"?
I was still on the fence given the history with the Navy (totally understandable needing to move and being used to it) but the fact that he expected you to sell and pack the house every time is what made up my mind on the judgement. For the post-Navy jobs, I can't believe the companies didn't give him time to settle his affairs and then move.
It seems like he took it for granted that you would sell and pack the house every time. That too with little kids when they were younger!! I could never imagine being in that situation alone.
Stand up for yourself now. It is not too late. Have a conversation about the pros and cons. About long term plans. It is ok if you end up deciding to move. Just make sure you have a say in it.
PiewacketFire said:
NTA. He’s become accustomed to always getting it his own way with very little pushback, now that’s not just happening he’s trying to guilt and flip it around on you. Stand your ground. It’s going to be tough because there’s been a pattern over years which he will be loathe to give up, but it’s now or never for you. Polish that backbone.
TypicalManagement680 said:
Moving is so easy for him because he’s not doing the hard part. You’ve sacrificed and moved around for him and he has the nerve to call you selfish and say you don’t support him. He’s selfish and emotionally manipulative. It’s okay to put your self first for once. NTA
**Update**
Thank you all for your kindness and replies. To answer some questions:
1.) My husband and I have been together since I was 15 and he was 17. He joined the navy right after graduation from high school when he was 18 and I was 16, but had to wait two years before we could marry.
2.) He works for a company that has plants in 15 states. He is currently in middle management, but if he wants to advance his career further, he would need to go to another plant out of state.
3.) Financially we are more than comfortable. We do not need anymore money.
4.) My son plans to stay in the place he is after college. We have a great relationship with him and he comes home one time a month and we see him one time a month. My other son comes home on leave whenever he can and stays with us. We are very close to both of the boys.
5.) I talked to my husband again tonight and told him quite firmly that moving again was not an option for me. The area he wants to moves has very little jobs in my field and specialty in that area and I would need to commute more than an hour one way for a job versus the 20 minutes I have here.
We are sandwiched between two major cities, and if we move we would be an hour from the most major city. I would also have to take a massive pay cut and work a menial job to build a new network to find employment in my field.
6.) My husband is disappointed in me for not wanting to leave. He left to stay with a friend because he “needs to think.” He doesn’t understand why I would force him to turn down an opportunity to advance his career further. I told him to take all the time he needs, but I am not moving again. I said I would revisit the possibility when I am ready for retirement in 15 years but no sooner.