'AITA for refusing to name my daughter after my husband's dead wife?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to name my daughter after my husband's dead wife?"
I (39f) have been married to my husband (45M) for 3 years now. It's an extremely healthy relationship and I couldn't wish for anything more.
He was previously married at 35 for a year and a half before his wife sadly passed away of severe hypoxia from pulmonary edema. They were dating for over 4 years and according to the way he talks about her, they were straight out of a fairy-tale.
His late-wife was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy a year into their marriage and was given medication to manage her symptoms, however she was always expecting her death even though doctors have assured her she could lead on a normal life.
She was later again diagnosed with pulmonary edema, which is where she started to prepare herself for death. She assured my husband that he could marry later on and she'd want him to lead on a normal life.
She just requested that if he ever gives birth to a daughter, as she's always wanted one and was unsuccessful with having any children, could he name the daughter after her.
Before we got married, my husband of course let me know all of the above however he failed to mention his late wife's request. I deeply empathized with him and I was there whenever he needed support.
Anyhow, I'm currently pregnant with our first child and we're both over the moon. When we came to decide for baby names for our daughter, he stood firm on naming her on his late wife.
As much as it was expected, I refused. I told him I couldn't put that burden on our unborn daughter. She'll always remind him of his late wife and he'll fail to see her as his daughter. That's when he let me know of the "pact" he made with his wife and that he feels as if that's the only way he could pay her a tribute.
Now I haven't given him a response, I haven't told him how I felt about it. I just told him we'll see as it's still early to decide. I genuinely can't help but feel hurt as it feels like after all these years, he'd still choose his late wife over me.
I somewhat feel as a "rebound" and all though I can't victimise myself in this situation however the way he insisted on naming our daughter made me feel inferior. I also just can't let him pay tribute like that as our daughter will always feel like his first wife to him, if that makes sense. What should I do in this situation and am I in the wrong?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You can’t make a pact on someone else’s behalf. He knew when making the promise to his wife, that any daughter would have another parent, who also would have to agree to the daughter’s name.
Sounds like he needs some counseling to deal with the unresolved grief having a daughter is bringing up for him. No rational person would think this was a fair or reasonable request.
The daughter deserves her own identity.
As the daughter of a woman who passed when I was very little, please for the love of god don’t do this!
The next day OP came back with this update:
First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for the support and encouragement. I wasn't expecting the post to gain the traction it did.
Some points I would like to clear up before I update; I do not bare any resemblance to his late-wife as some suggested. He has not had any counselling, His deceased wife's name is never brought up unless I ask.
I decided to stand my ground and give him a firm no. This was my daughter that I was birthing and I could not burden her with the ghost of his late wife. I questioned the authenticity of his wife's request, I asked him to tell me exactly what she requested of and turns out he misunderstood what she had said.
His wife had asked the request as a question not a statement, she asked him whether he'd name a child after her and my husband understood this as a pact, rather than a rhetorical question. I called him out for it but he said that it somewhat felt like a responsibility forced upon him and that might've been her way of asking.
He said that he was never willing to actually fulfil it and did not bring it up previously as he found it of no significance, it's only during the announcement of my pregnancy it felt like he was reliving the grief all over again.
He however did tell me that It's our child and I get more of a say in the name as he does, yet I don't feel like he truly meant it and was just trying to get the situation over with. Many of you have suggested a compromise by either a derivative or a middle name but I'm not willing to associate my child with a tragic memory of any sort.
I suggested counselling to my husband as it feels like he still hasn't moved on yet except he's firmly rejected the idea as he doesn't believe in "shrinks".
I've sought guidance from my mother in law and thankfully she agrees with me, she told me that she'll have a talk with him.
She let me know that she'd never thought that he'd ever move on from the passing of his spouse yet him dating, getting married and having children shows her that it's his way of showing acceptance of the situation. He could be just relieving the memory which is way he suggested the pact.
On the plus side, it wasn't an intense discussion and all though he didn't show that he fully meant it at least he was willing to compromise. Thank you all once again, I truly appreciate it!
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
It's almost always people who "don't believe in shrinks" who need them most. That and possibly a brain transplant. Good luck with this genius you've shacked up with. You'll need it.
Should’ve told him he can name it when he gives birth!
FickleTime4717 OP responded:
Haha, your comment honestly made my day I should've said that you're right 😂
Great job with standing your ground and communicating your concerns in a thoughtful manner. I hope your husband takes your advice on getting counseling because he certainly needs it. Good luck to you and congrats on your pregnancy!!