"AITA for refusing to pay a bribe to benefit my daughter?"
My daughter is in secondary school and is very serious about physics and computer science. She builds small robots at home, does coding projects on her own, and her teachers say she has real potential.
Recently she wanted to apply for an international robotics competition. It is quite prestigious and could help her with future university applications. To participate, students here have to register through a designated national body.
We submitted all documents, recommendation letters, project details, everything properly. After that, an officer from the institution indirectly conveyed that if we “cooperate” things will move smoothly. Otherwise, the file may face “delays” or “technical objections.”
It was very clear what was being implied. Without extra payment, her application will likely go nowhere. With payment, it will be processed quickly and without issues. I can afford the amount. It is not something that will break us financially.
But I feel very strongly that this is wrong. If my daughter qualifies, she should go on merit. If she does not qualify, that is also fine. But why should I teach her that success comes from under-the-table payments?
My wife thinks I am being too rigid and idealistic. She says this is how the system works and by refusing I am only harming our daughter. She says I am sacrificing her opportunity over a technicality when practically everyone does it.
My daughter is upset. She says everyone who gets selected pays something and that without it no one moves forward, and that she knows she will be selected otherwise and that the institute basically confirmed this.
According to her, I am the only one insisting on being different and she feels she is being unfairly disadvantaged because of it because many people do this in India. AITA for refusing to pay the bribe even though I can afford it and it would probably secure her place?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA if the robotics competition requires bribery to enter, it’s already teaching the wrong kind of engineering.
NTA. Report this person to the board of directors immediately. Screenshot and save all emails/communication. Play dumb to this email if you haven't already replied and ask for them to spell it out to you what "cooperation" means to them.
Is it a bribe or is it a required part of the process? Cause I feel like paying for this is a very reasonable thing to be expected. How does the company that does all of this stuff function if they are not making money?
"But I feel very strongly that this is wrong."
There are other competitions. Find one that isn't accepting bribes. Also, report them. Take it to a news station. Maybe they'll have a reporter pose as a parent.
There was a fairly large exposé on parents paying premium fees at some schools so their kids could do well. Find other parents that agree with you. Start a Facebook group. Whatever. Doing nothing just promotes its continuance. NTA.
If the officials are requiring a bribe to process the application there is no 'get in on her own merit'. Her spot will just go to someone else who paid instead of someone who deserves it.
NTA, although I think culture is pretty important here. In the US, I would immediately contact the oversight board and/or go to the media. But it's hard to know what's appropriate in another culture.
YTA, Unfortunately, this is how the system works. Whether it is right or wrong is not really the question here. Of course, bribery is not morally correct, but when a system is already operating this way, refusing to participate in it can place your daughter at a disadvantage compared to everyone else who does.
There is an important distinction to make. If you genuinely cannot afford it and feel distressed because you are unable to provide this opportunity, that is one situation. But if you can afford it without hardship and choose not to because it conflicts with your personal morals, then you are effectively prioritizing your principles over your daughter’s potential opportunities.
Right now, you support her financially, but this could be seen as an investment in her future: better academic credentials, stronger career prospects, and higher earning potential. Those opportunities could shape the rest of her life. In the long term, her stability and success may also benefit the family as a whole.
The reality is that in many places similar dynamics exist in driving tests, university admissions, professional licensing, and more. It may not be ideal and it may not be fair, but it is often normalized within the system.
So the real question becomes this: when a system is flawed, is it fair to let your child fall behind in order to consistently preserve personal moral principles, or is it your responsibility to maximize her opportunities even if the system itself is imperfect?
Why bother? She'll get to the competition and they'll expect another bribe to win. Highest payer wins, not highest achievement? Its not a competition, its a money grab!
If you are aware that the process includes bribes and that everyone else participating does indeed pay them then yes, YTA. You are punishing your daughter for a failing in a system that you don't like and that she had no part in making corrupt. I totally understand feeling that this is extortion, because it is.
But the only thing you change by not paying this is your child's future. You aren't doing anything to actually dismantle this process or change it for future applicants. You might be morally right not to pay this, but your daughter won't forget it. Is this really the hill you want to die on?
If I was the kid in this situation (and your daughter clearly understands what's happening) I'd want you to pay it if it really would help my future. What are you teaching if you pay it: sometimes systems are awful, but you gotta pay along?
And if you don't: your morals to do "the right thing" are worth more than however getting accepted matters for her future. I get the CONCEPT here, but acting like you not paying it = she gets in on "merit" is just not true when everyone else pays it. It just moves her application to the bottom of the stack.
There's ways to talk about how this idea is not great and communicate that to her without just saying "well you don't get in then". It's like disagreeing with how voting booths are set up and then refusing to vote, doesn't help anyone. Paying it NOW then reporting later (anonymously) is the best course of action to not harm your daughter.