"AITA for refusing to pay for a $1000 coat?"
I’ve been casually seeing a woman for the past couple of months. A few weeks ago she came over to my place, took off her very expensive down coat with real fur, and left it on my couch while we hung out. It stayed there for hours.
I have a cat. My cat has never peed outside the litter box, but her coat must have smelled like her dog (our pets met once and didn’t get along). While the coat was sitting on the couch, my cat peed on it.
I apologized that night and told her she should treat it with a bio-enzymatic cleaner since I’ve owned pets my whole life and know that’s what works. She told me not to worry and took the coat home.
Fast forward a couple weeks. She messaged me saying the coat is ruined and asked something like, “How do we handle this? Should I buy a replacement and bill you?” That was the first time she brought up money.
I told her I’m sorry it happened, but I can’t replace a $1,000 coat. I said I could help treat it properly if she wanted to drop it off. After that, she started saying things like “cat pee is forever,” “If my pet ruined something of yours I’d make it right,” “Remember I paid for your rug,” and “you should hang your guests coats”. I was taken a bit aback tbh.
For context about the rug, she spilled red wine on it once because she jumped during a scary movie and kicked the tray table, spilling red wine all over my rug and couch.
I didn’t react negatively at all, I told her not to worry about it. She insisted on sending me $50 for it even though I didn’t ask her to (in fact insisted she didn’t send me money and got a bit upset when she did), but that situation felt totally different.
What bothers me is that she left a nearly $1,000 coat on the couch in a home with a pet, and now wants me to pay for it. I didn’t do anything to her coat, didn’t mishandle it, and had no control over where she put it.
Also, I’m struggling financially. Rent is due, bills are overdue, and I’m taking care of my kids. There is no scenario where I can afford a $1,000 replacement coat, especially for something I didn’t directly cause. I told her again that I’m sorry it happened, and I can help treat it if she wants, but I can’t replace it. She’s upset and says I’m responsible because “it’s my pet.”
Edit 1: I don’t think she’s coming after me because she can’t afford it. She works as a nurse and makes close to 120k a year, lives with family, and pays very little in rent. She’s just really bad with money.
I’ve actually been trying to help her out as a friend, helping her consolidate her debt to save her money and setting up a payment plan with the IRS because they were threatening to garnish her wages when she wasn’t paying her taxes.
Edit 2: I live in a small apartment, but I do have an area by the entryway where the household coats and hoodies go. I also mentioned during one of her previous visits that laying things on the couch might not be the best idea because of cat fur. I even tried to vacuum the area and she said, “Don’t worry about it, I have a dog, I’m used to the fur.”
Edit 3: I’m seeing a couple of comments saying I should have offered to hang up her coat as a host. For what it’s worth, this wasn’t a formal visit or a dinner party, we’re casual with each other.
And where I live (big city), that honestly isn’t the norm. I don’t think I’ve ever gone to someone’s apartment and had them take my coat for me. People usually just put their stuff wherever they want. Maybe the culture here is different. She took it off and put it on the couch herself.
Edit 4: Right after she left that night, the very first thing I did was message her asking how much it would cost to take the coat to a cleaner. I also offered different solutions based on my experience as a pet owner and someone who worked in the pet industry for over a decade. I feel like there are a lot of small details that can’t fit in one post, and I wish I could post screenshots to show the full conversation.
For the people mentioning lawsuits, where I live, I wouldn’t be legally liable for replacing the coat anyway. Not that I think she’d actually take it that far, but just clearing that up.
Edit 5: A lot of folks are mentioning she left the coat hanging on the back of the couch. That was not the case. She laid her coat down flat across the seat, where I had mentioned to her in the past of there being lots of fur because it was where my cat specifically would lounge on the couch.
Again she said something along the lines of “I have a dog, I’m used to fur” seemed nonchalant about her placing her stuff there.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. She put an expensive coat down in a spot where an animal had easy access to it. Who just throws a $1000 coat on the back of a couch?! Do you know that it’s actually worth $1000?
I had a friend who used to wear white to my place consistently. At the time I had big dogs, cats and horses. I made it clear that if she wore stuff like that to my house SHE was the one responsible for it.
I'm kinda opposite of the comments. I would never say that my pets peeing or ruining someone's stuff was their fault. Even if they left it on the floor, I would feel so bad I would still try to replace it. Even if that meant slow payments. But maybe its just how I was raised.
ETA: I would also take it as my fault for not getting it up from somewhere my pets could bother it. I will always at least hang things over a chair back.
If I had a $1,000.00 coat, I would make sure I put it somewhere safe or ask my host to do so. She’s a grown up and grown ups need to be responsible for their things that might need extra care. NTA.
Are you even 100% certain your cat did pee on the (apparently $1000 value) coat? She took the coat away, won't let you try and treat it, won't take it to professional cleaners... it sounds a bit sus to me. Especially when she didn't respect your not wanting her to send you $50 for the wine spill - is it possible that she was setting a precedent? It's just... strange.
Also, I'm assuming she's got a vague idea about your financial situation and commitments. To ask someone who needs to pay rent and care for kids to divert that money to pay for a replacement luxury item might be within her rights, but it's lacking in grace and compassion. Kids first, always. NTA.
Financial-Radish316 (OP)
She’s aware I’m a single father. I recently had a traumatic event where I lost a very very close family member who was terminally ill, just a few months ago. That crippled me financially. I lost my job because I was caring for this family member for so long. She is well aware of my financial situation.