'My brother called me selfish for not paying for his private funeral. AITA?'
"My brother called me selfish for not paying for his private funeral. AITA?"
My mother died a month ago due to cancer. Her main caregiver over the past year was me who could feed her, assist with medications, take her to her appointments, stay overnight with her when she could not fall asleep, in other words live with her.
My brother T does not live in the same city, and he did not want to assist in any way. He hardly made a call and told him that he could not spare work. I attempted to request him to do even minor things, to arrange a nurse, to assist him financially, but he replied that it was too much trouble.
At the time of the death of Mom, I arranged the funeral. It was modest, but dignified. I covered most of it myself. Then T rang me 2 days after the funeral, and was very angry that I did not consult him as to his share in the funeral.
He set conditions that I would pay him a personal, costly funeral so that he could attend it on his own. He replied it is his right to mourn and I am denying him his right to closure.
I told him no. I told her that I had already paid and made all the arrangements. He was able to join the funeral service we conducted and he would have us all mourning but I would not provide a private memorial on his own.
And he burst, and said I was cold, and controlling, and selfish. Even he, he stated I did not care enough about Mom because I had no desire to pay thousands to have my own event.
Other relatives are divided. There are some who say that I am doing the right thing where he declined to assist when my mom was alive and therefore he cannot be demanding after death. Others say I ought not to be petty, grief must have the precedence.
I am guilty, yet I am angry that he attempts to take advantage of my efforts and care, and make a profit out of them, on an emotional level. So... AITA to refuse to pay my brother to conduct a private funeral on behalf of Mom?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
To anyone who agrees with your brother, thank them for their opinion and tell them you will pass him their names so he can coordinate with them to pay the bill.
NTA. I wouldn't even follow up with a response. He can pay for a costly funeral if that's his desire.
Honestly he sounds so entitled. You literally carried the weight of her care and he wants a VIP pass after the fact??? Nooope, not your job to fund his guilt trip.
He had every possibility to mourn. And he doesn’t need a funeral to do it. He chose what he chose, and he can go get stuffed because he wasn’t there for his mom at all because he couldn’t be bothered. If he wants it, he can have her brought up from the Earth and reburied on his own dime. But either way he’s a monster. NTA.
And don’t feel an ounce of guilt for him. He made his choices he can grieve in his own way. You are not stopping him from grieving at all. You are just not going to financially enable it either. He should’ve been there to take care of his mom either a little bit, but he couldn’t be bothered said it was too much for him so he gets to demand nothing.
You do what you can afford to do he had pretty much it sounds like nothing to do with her while she was alive and dying with cancer so he shouldn't have a problem now with whatever you plan for your mom.
Brother can pay for whatever he wants. And those who side with him can assist him in paying. Seriously don’t respond in any way other than “if you contributed at all to her care when she was alive, you would have a say.”
My condolences on your loss. My mom passed over twenty years ago and I still miss her. She had several long-term incurable illnesses and I held her PoA and was named to carry out her advance directive.
When she was basically hospitalized on her deathbed, her brother crawled out of the woodwork (he hadn't seen her in years) and threw a fit because we (my brother and I) were "not doing enough" "lawsuit" and we were "letting her die" blah blah blah.
So he did in fact get his way (because the hospital freaked out at 'lawsuit'), she was put on a ventilator (against her stated wishes), and her death was extended by a few miserable weeks.
After her death, he throwed another conniption fit because we didn't plan a funeral (she didn't want one and she had already pre-paid her cremation). Since I was weak, guilt-stricken, and grieving, I went ahead and planned a small service at the funeral home chapel to make him happy. He didn't even show up.
So, no, you don't owe your AH brother a second funeral or anything else. If he wants to have a service for her, he can pay for it. Don't let anybody run over you during this awful time.
If they can't be at least minimally supportive, kick them to the curb and protect your peace. There will never be a better time because now you know which flying monkeys won't make the cut to stay in your life. And again, I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. What is wrong with that man? Did he have a wife or did someone say something about how he never even visited his mom before she died, and he just feel guilt now? or does he just want to make it look to friends and family he has $$? Makes no sense. Why on earth would you plan a separate final and pay for it for him? Send him an invoice for half of the funeral you set up already, and he can pay for that.
He obviously won't, but then when it blows up with other family members, you have proof he refused to help pay for the funeral, and you did a funeral that was respectful and affordable on your own. If they have an issue, they can cough up the money for him to have his own private service!