'AITA for refusing to pay for my brother’s wedding after he kicked me out of the bridal party for getting engaged?'
"AITA for refusing to pay for my brother’s wedding after he kicked me out of the bridal party for getting engaged?"
Naughty_Nici
I (41F) have always been close with my brother, “Tom” (38M), and we’ve had a great relationship. When he got engaged to his fiancée “Sarah” (38F), I was honored to be asked to be a bridesmaid.
They’ve been planning a big wedding for over a year, and I’ve been heavily involved in helping organize things and even offered to cover some of the costs since my brother and his fiancée were on a tight budget.
A few months ago, my partner proposed (I already refer to him as my husband, but we weren’t officially married) to me, and I said yes! We kept it low-key to not take away from Tom’s upcoming wedding since we have been together for years and have an established marriage like life together.
However, after announcing our engagement, Sarah became cold towards me. Tom later told me that Sarah was upset, feeling like I “stole her spotlight” by getting engaged before their wedding.
A week later, Tom and Sarah called me and said that, because of the “timing” of my engagement, it would be “best” if I stepped down as a bridesmaid. Sarah wanted the focus on her, and apparently, my new engagement was “too distracting.”
I was hurt but agreed to step down to keep the peace. Here’s where things escalated: Tom recently asked if I was still willing to help cover the wedding costs I had previously offered to pay for (a significant amount).
I was shocked! I politely declined, saying that I didn’t feel comfortable contributing anymore since I was no longer in the bridal party and felt hurt by the situation. Tom got really upset and called me selfish, saying I’m ruining his big day. Sarah even accused me of “holding a grudge” and trying to punish them.
Now, my family is split—some think I should still help since I initially offered, while others agree that it’s unfair to expect me to contribute after being kicked out of the wedding party. So, AITA for refusing to cover the wedding expenses after being removed from the bridal party?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
ChallengeFlat7795
NTA. Why would you announcing your engagement have any influence on their wedding. Does everyone have to pause their life until the highly exalted Sarah gets married? You have no obligations to pay for anything for your brother, other than what you yourself want. Them expecting money after treating you like this for no valid reason is absurd.
4tinyinches
NTA. You don’t need to put your entire life on hold because someone else’s wedding is a couple of months away. You weren’t stealing her spotlight, and she was being petty.
Famous_Specialist_44
I thought you were going to say you announced your engagement at some part of the wedding but you just got engaged in the proximity of their wedding. Your brother is ridiculous and he shouldn't be surprised you are irked by his snub. And an irked person doesn't pay for the wedding. NTA.
Individual_Ad_9213
NTA. I anyone precipitated this, it was your brother and his fiance by getting upset that you got engaged "so close" to their wedding. I shudder at what would have happened if you had the temerity to get pregnant.
AppropriateRip9996
You don't have to honor a commitment to someone who has stepped out of their commitments to you. Circumstances have changed. They want you out, so you not paying is respecting their new boundaries.
Nester1953
Your family doesn't get a vote on how you spend your money. Period. And Sarah needs to figure out that behavior -- especially nasty, self-centered, crazy-ass behavior -- has consequences.
What, during the year of wedding planning, no one in the wedding party is allowed to get engaged? Or, God-forbid, pregnant! Or, how about married!!! They'd be wearing a different rign to Sarah's Big Day, how distracting!
Sarah and Tom have, how do I put this nicely, kind of lost their minds over what's important in life and the precedence of their wedding over everything else in everyone else's lives. They've treated you terribly with respect to the wedding and now they think you should subsidize them? No thank you. NTA.
rudbek-of-rudbek
When did it become normal to have other people pay for your wedding.
EmceeSuzy
You are NTA and I am worried about your brother and his fiance. Their actions are wholly irrational and so self-involved that I'm having a difficult time believing your story. There is absolutely no reason for you not to get engaged in advance of their wedding and there was no real reason for you to downplay it. Well, there was but the reason was that your brother and his bride are monsters.
Please tell the family members who question your decision that they are welcome to pay. You might also mention that it was disappointing enough when your brother removed you from the bridal party, and that his decision to complain to others about your decision to let him pay his own wedding expenses is just gross.
chastirina
Honestly, what is wrong with Sarah? Girl when I tell you she is jealous of you! You were put in a tough position where you graciously stepped down from the bridal party to keep the peace, even though it was unfair to ask that of you in the first place.
Being engaged should not be seen as “stealing someone’s spotlight.” I can’t believe Tom and Sarah expect you to help with the wedding costs after what they did, it’s diabolical. I hope you and your husband have a happy married life and pls don’t even second guess yourself about this, you absolutely are NTA!!
lenajlch
Lol.... NTA. These people are in their late 30's and acting like this. THERE IS NO HOPE FOR THIS WORLD. You are 41 and you've waited long enough to have your "moment" (whatever the eff that is). Sarah needs to get over herself and she and your brother can pay for their own wedding.
Both have been unnecessarily rude to you. You're allowed to be engaged and your life cannot be on hold for them and their wedding. You're too old for that crap. Stand your ground. They shouldn't be getting married if they can't afford it.
Also, UGH! I am so mad for you. You are not some wallflower made to retreat so they can shine. You are allowed to shine too! You're already being cognizant and sensitive to their needs by not making a fuss.