'Am I the jerk for refusing to pay for my brother's wedding after he exposed my secret relationship?'
"Am I the jerk for refusing to pay for my brother's wedding after he exposed my secret relationship?"
This happened two months ago, and my family is still split over it. For context, I'm a 28-year-old woman, and my brother, "Jake," is 30. Jake recently got engaged to his long-term girlfriend, "Laura."
They’ve been planning a big wedding for next spring, and since I have a higher-paying job, I offered to help cover some of the costs, including the venue deposit, which was a hefty $5,000.
Here's the thing: for the past year, I’ve been in a relationship with one of Jake's best friends, "Tom." We kept it secret because we didn’t want to cause any drama in the family or the friend group until we were sure about our relationship.
Last month, during a family barbecue, Jake noticed that Tom and I were being a little too friendly. He pulled me aside and started interrogating me. I admitted we were dating but begged him to keep it quiet, as Tom and I planned to tell everyone when we were ready. Jake seemed annoyed but said he’d keep it to himself.
Fast forward two days, and Jake decided to tell EVERYONE. He made a big post on social media about it, complete with a snarky caption: "Looks like my best man has been busy. Congrats to Tom and my sister for keeping us all in the dark!"
This caused chaos. My parents were furious that I hadn’t told them, Laura was upset because she felt like it took attention away from their wedding, and even some of Jake’s friends started giving Tom grief. Tom was mortified, and I was humiliated.
When I confronted Jake, he just laughed it off and said he was “helping us rip the Band-Aid off.” I told him he had no right to share our personal business and that he’d made things ten times harder for us. He shrugged and said, “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have kept secrets.”
That’s when I decided I was done. I told Jake I was pulling my financial support for the wedding. He thought I was bluffing until I called the venue and canceled my payment.
Now, Jake and Laura are scrambling to come up with the money, and my parents are furious with me for “ruining the wedding.” Jake insists I’m being petty and that I’m punishing him for “telling the truth.”
But I feel like he crossed a line by exposing something that wasn’t his to share. My parents think I should still help because “family is family,” but I don’t see why I should. So, am I the jerk for refusing to pay for the wedding?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Not the Jerk.
There's a saying, "Don't bite the hand that feeds you."
NTJ. The family is family that’s BS. Sometimes family causes you the biggest heartache . And since JAKE and Lara can’t afford the venue, they need to downsize their wedding. And Laura can thank JAKE for trying to stroke his ego and having a big mouth.
And tell your parents since they want to your brother’s wedding to go ahead as planned, they can come out of their pockets and pay for it. And reinforced to take your brother that actions have consequences.
Laura is mad that the attention was pulled from her wedding, and that’s your fault not the fault of the person who made the attention seeking post, her literal fiancé? Looool do not give these idiots a dime.
NTA, but why does everyone in your circle care? Like, I could see noses being out of joint a bit at being kept in the dark (especially parents and/or if you lied at times) but ‘caused chaos’ sounds like these people are way too enmeshed in what you are up to. Sans a horrific rap sheet in Tom’s background or something they all need to take a good look at themselves and realize they need a hobby.
NTA, if family is family then why was it okay for him to blast you on Facebook? He knew what he was doing, he was trying to hurt you both. Unfortunately for your brother, his future wife, and your parents, he is now experiencing the consequences of his own actions. Maybe he should have respected your wishes and privacy.
You clearly asked him to keep it to himself and informed him that you and your partner would inform everyone on your own time. He was being petty with outing yall especially with the snarky comment. I don’t think you’re being a jerk. You didn’t have his support and I don’t think he deserves yours.
Yawn. What’s with 28 year olds who need mommy and daddy’s permission to date whom they choose. Since when does a sibling pay for another’s wedding? Every day it seems I’m reading this stuff. FaMiLy. JFC can’t anyone’s fiction at least appear to have a grain of truth in it?
Be sure to tell your parents and especially, Laura, that you asked brother to keep his mouth shut for the time being. That you had every intention of telling people at the right time as to NOT overshadow the wedding. He deserves everything he gets.
NTJ. If family was family then he should have minded his goddamn business. It wasn’t his place to expose your relationship. I hope Tom also backed out of being his best man or groomsman.
With friends like your bro, who needs enemies? As for your family, if this is so important to them tell them to pitch in and pay for their wedding. It’s not your problem anymore. Maybe this will teach Jake a lesson in learning to mind his business.
NTA - He has no right to divulge your secret relationship. If you want to keep it a secret, that was up to you are your partner - not for your brother to decide. Your brother decided HE was God.
Laura should be upset with your brother - he decides to tell everyone, not you. I have heard the excuse "family is family" so many times in reddit. It is merely an excuse for one family member to screw over another family member and the rest of the family hopes it blows over with no repercussions. It is NOT a excuse or a justification.