Man refuses to pay for brother’s wedding after ex-girlfriend invited; 'I feel like I'm in a soap opera.' + UPDATE
"AITA for Refusing to Pay for My Brother's Wedding After He Invited My Ex?"
TheGramarNasi
So, here’s the situation: My (28M) younger brother (25M) is getting married soon, and I was excited for him, until I found out he decided to invite my ex-girlfriend (27F) to the wedding.
Now, let me give you some background. We broke up over a year ago, and it was pretty rough. She cheated on me with his best friend, and it took me months to get over that betrayal.
When I found out she was invited, I was furious and reached out to my brother to express my feelings. I told him that I would not attend if she was there. Instead of being understanding, he got defensive and accused me of ruining his big day.
He insisted that he wanted her there because they’ve become friends since the breakup and that she’s "changed." I told him that if I’m not welcome, then I won't be attending, and therefore, I won’t be covering my share of the wedding expenses, which I had already agreed to pay before the invitation fiasco.
Now, my family is pulling me in every direction, saying I'm being petty and ruining my brother's wedding for no reason. They’re calling me an "a-h0l3" for not supporting my brother and for potentially putting a financial strain on his wedding plans. Some even suggested I should just suck it up and attend for the sake of family.
I've now decided that I’m not paying for a single thing and that if he wants to have a wedding with my ex as the guest of honor, it’s on him to cover the costs. Am I the AH for standing my ground and refusing to fund my brother's wedding under these circumstances?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
AcidReign25
NTA. But what is the deal with all these people paying for siblings’ weddings? When did that become a thing????
TheGramarNasi (OP)
Honestly, I don't know why my brother and his family expected me to pay for the wedding.
RingadingBatWitch262
So don’t. It’s not the law, tradition, custom or fashionable thing.
Individual_You_6586
Why is this “paying for sibling’s wedding” even a thing? If he’s old enough to get married, he’s old enough to cover his own expenses. Why are people adamant about throwing a party they can’t afford? If your family thinks you are ruining it, they can chip in.
External-Medicine331
NTA this woman betrayed and hurt you and now your brother is friends with her and she's "changed". Don't pay, don't go. Hold strong and give your brother a "I told you so" when she cheats on his best friend. You're brother is showing you how important you are to him. Believe him.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
TheGramarNasi
Okay, so I wanted to update everyone because things have escalated, and it’s even crazier than I expected. After my last post, I thought maybe my family would come around to my way of thinking. Instead, they absolutely lost it!
My brother called me crying, saying I'm ruining his happiness, and my parents have taken his side 100%. In a fit of rage, I ended up posting screenshots of our conversations in our family group chat. You know, the ones where he called me "selfish" and "petty."
Yeah, I regret that decision, but it felt like a "let’s air this dirty laundry" moment. My extended family saw the texts and now half of them think I'm justified, while the other half is calling ME the family villain.
To add fuel to the fire, my ex-girlfriend reached out to me directly. She said it’s unfair that I’m acting like she’s some monster when I should just be “mature” about the situation.
I told her she would always be a reminder of my brother’s betrayal and that I won’t ever see her in a positive light. She then had the audacity to say my brother might reconsider his whole wedding if I’m not there!
Now, my parents want us to have a family meeting to discuss this drama like we’re some sort of reality TV show. I told them I’m not showing up if it’s just going to be him whining while my ex is basking in it all. Call me dramatic, but this whole mess has made me feel like I’m in an episode of a soap opera.
So now I’m considering throwing some cash into the mix for an epic weekend getaway instead of funding his wedding. His wedding is becoming about my ex and not about him! Honestly, I feel justified in saying no. I’m still standing my ground, but part of me is genuinely worried this might tear my family apart.
Edit: I'm overwhelmed by all the replies, and I appreciate them all.
I'm sorry if I'm unable to reply to them all, but I read every single one.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
TheGramarNasi (OP)
Just to clarify, I’m not trying to ruin my brother’s happiness. It feels like everyone is more concerned about my ex’s feelings than mine. I’m genuinely confused about why my life choices are being judged when his choices directly impact me. I made reservations for a cruise and will be away during all the drama. Honestly, I think it’s the best way to escape this mess!
xmowx
This is not even about your life choices; this is about basic integrity and decency. Your ex cheated on you with your brother's best friend. You dumped her. Which any reasonably intelligent person would have done.
Your brother decided to invite your ex to his wedding without even considering that you may not be comfortable with it or asking you if that would be OK. Your family is blaming you for putting a financial strain on his wedding. Your brother accused of running his happiness?! What?!!
If your family keeps bothering you for contribution to his wedding, tell them that he is not entitled to your money, nor your presence at his wedding. OP, have a nice trip and enjoy your vacation. Hopefully with your phone turned off.
a__random_stranger_
Go to the vacation, post it on facebook/social media and then enjoy the circus. On the other hand, I don't understand why is the ex's attendance to the brother's wedding is so much more important to your brother than your happiness.
Y'know since you would've been paying for the wedding. But if the ex is so important, maybe tell your brother to ask HER to pay for his wedding. That would definitely go down well lol.
Kmia55
If the ex-GF had "changed" or had any integrity, she would be embarrassed to be part of the family drama and excuse herself from the invitation list.
camkats
Ok bottom line - if people want to get married they need to figure out how to pay for it themselves. It’s ridiculous how many people expect others to underwrite big bills like weddings, vacations and other expenses. NTA.