'AITA for refusing to pay for my son’s wedding after discovering he’s excluding his stepbrother from the guest list?'
"AITA for refusing to pay for my son’s wedding after discovering he’s excluding his stepbrother from the guest list?"
anon76336
I (52M) have two sons—Alex (28M), my biological son from my first marriage, and Jake (26M), my stepson from my wife’s previous relationship. I married my current wife (48F) when the boys were teenagers.
We blended our families the best we could, but Alex and Jake never really bonded. They were civil, but there was always tension, mostly from Alex, who felt like I was replacing him when I remarried.
Over the years, I’ve tried to treat them equally. I paid for both of their college tuitions, helped them with their first cars, and supported them in their endeavors. I’ve always seen Jake as my own son, and my wife has done the same with Alex. We’ve done everything possible to blend our family, even though we knew the boys would never be best friends.
Fast forward to now, Alex is engaged and planning a big wedding. He asked me months ago if I could contribute financially, and I happily agreed, setting aside a significant amount of money to cover most of the costs. We’ve been having regular planning meetings, and everything seemed to be going smoothly until last week when I noticed Jake’s name was missing from the guest list.
When I asked Alex about it, he shrugged and said, “I just don’t want him there.” I was shocked and asked for an explanation, but Alex wouldn’t give me one. He simply said it was his wedding and he didn’t feel obligated to invite anyone he didn’t want there.
I told Alex that Jake is part of the family and that not inviting him would create unnecessary drama. Alex was adamant, saying they were never close, and he didn’t want to “fake it” on his big day. He said he’d rather have a smaller, more intimate event without any awkwardness, and I could either accept it or not.
I told Alex that I wasn’t comfortable funding a wedding where one of my sons was deliberately excluded without any clear reason. He got defensive and said it wasn’t fair for me to hold the money over his head as a form of control. He accused me of never putting him first and always favoring Jake, which I found completely unfair considering everything I’ve done for him.
My wife is devastated. She feels like this is Alex’s way of punishing us for marrying and blending our families. Jake, on the other hand, is trying to stay out of it, but I can tell he’s hurt. He’s acting like it doesn’t bother him, but I know it does. He’s never caused any problems and has always been respectful of Alex’s space.
Alex’s fiancé called me and tried to mediate, saying that weddings are stressful and that Alex is just feeling overwhelmed. She begged me not to pull the funding, as they’ve already booked venues and vendors with the expectation of my support. She said she understood how I felt but also reminded me that this was Alex’s day, not a family reunion.
Now Alex is barely speaking to me, and my extended family is split. Some think I’m justified for standing up for Jake, while others think I’m overstepping and should just let Alex have his day the way he wants it.
I’m torn. I don’t want to damage my relationship with Alex, but I also feel like this is a slap in the face to Jake and our entire family. AITA for refusing to pay for the wedding if Alex insists on excluding his stepbrother?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
some1105
YTA. I know I’m in the minority here, but someone should stand up for Alex here. This is his day. Just for once. Let him have it. He did not choose your blended family. You know how he feels about it. For him, it did not blend, and now he is an adult, and you cannot force it.
You cannot make him feel about Jake the way you do. And if you withhold this money, you are, for all intents and purposes, saying “there are strings on my love for you. If you don’t love the way I want you to, I don’t support you.”
And in a way, Alex is right. You have chosen your blended family over him. When in reality, it can be both. You can both love your family with your new wife and Jake, and love Alex and try to understand that he has his own pain that you can’t just force into your little box of happiness that you have created for yourself.
If you pull out of this wedding, you continue to force your choices on him. And everybody will tell you you have the right to, because you hold the checkbook. Of course you have the right to. But you could make a better choice as a father.
Who accepts that you have decades of relationship to go, where you can have a relationship with Alex that isn’t just about what you want it to look like but about what actually is. And how he feels as well as how you feel. This is going to be a turning point for that, choose wisely.
Life_Lettuce_180
I agree it’s YTA. If Jake was such an important guest it should have been made clear on day 1 that he needed to be invited. Pulling the funding now just looks like a petty power move because Alex doesn't accept the blended family. If OP wants a relationship with Alex he needs to understand that Alex doesn’t want one with Jake.
Mzszandor
He should be able to have his day how he wants it. Obviously you’re not obliged to pay anything towards it but to only help under YOUR terms when it’s a wedding is controlling if I’m honest. Especially when you’ve already offered it THEN decided later it’s conditional.
Ehy350
YTA. Perhaps Alex is right and you didn’t put him first when he was younger and probably needed your support more and didn’t want to share you with a ‘stranger’. Sounds like you weren’t such a great father since you never noticed. How he felt. You shouldn’t offer money and then attach strings to it at a later date.
itsminimes
YTA for choosing your stepson over your son. It's clear it's not the first time you did this. If you decide to keep your position, you will lose your son. The boys are not actual brothers. They should not be equal. The wedding will happen with or without your help or presence.
Stop trying to force a family bond to grown up people. The blending you hoped for didn't happen. Accept the reality and stop trying to punish your son for not feeling how you wanted him to feel. He is entitled to his feelings. Don't turn this into a classic case of man choosing new family over his own blood.